Damn its a shit pot!

Yours for the taking

2010-03-12T14:25:00.000-08:00

While I was browsing through random pictures on flickr, I came accross a not so impressive image. But something caught my eye. A dull green sketch was overlayed with words so true that I couldn't stop writing about it.

"Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated" - Lamartine.

Some survey shows that almost 6% of population between 18-35 yr is suffering from depression. While there are many causes of depression, one of the prime cause is loneliness. A sheer lack of anyone close to you who can understand or emphathize with you.

Unfortunate it is. But then a lot of the folks are unfortunate. You can't change your destiny. It is yours for the taking.

Beginning of the End

2009-11-26T13:26:00.000-08:00

Why would I choose this title? At the moment I believe that if I begin contemplating in this direction I know I would reach the end. Sounds trite!

I, like many other people in my age group, find myself in a state of wasteful youth. Doing what everyone else is doing. Always choosing to flow with the river. My mind wants to revolt some times but then revolution is not easy when you are living easy. Revolution is always born out of sheer pain. The impetus required for a revolution is not found yet. But my gut says it won’t be far ahead in time when this impetus is met and the need for a revolution embarks on.

Human mind is juvenile. Believing in god/karma/etc when scared or when in pain and not believing when in joy. The reason for that is simple no human being is sure of the existence of an almighty. Everyday I want to give myself 100 reasons why I should believe in god and I do that. It is not that those reasons are not strong enough; I would say most of them prove the existence of god by rejecting the reverse hypothesis, but then the problem with human mind is that it can’t stop thinking. It would come with another 100 reasons to not believe in god.

Free will

2009-11-26T13:23:00.000-08:00

Freedom is one of the most sought after virtues. My soul always seeks liberation from the shackles it is tied in. My thoughts are like a free bird. They fly so high such that no one can see you. But the moment they come to someone Else's sight, more often than not, they are shot down. That’s how cruel the society is to my dangerously free will. These monsters defend the killing by justifying growth of civilization or existence of elements which may not have existed.

Crazy winter night & Insomnia

2009-11-15T14:02:00.000-08:00

"Its freaking cold today and I can't get no sleep. Reason, lack of love. Love is beautiful. Each one of you reading this must should fall in love. To be loved is astoundingly crazy. To lose love is really sickening. Cause of my insomnia. But that's how life is. Fall in love, but at this risk and never make a mistake more than once."

Mary Jane

2008-08-03T22:41:00.000-07:00

And I thought I will be the first guy in the history to die like this.

The entire day I just wanted get over with my work, and at last have a peaceful sleep. Two days lots of work, highly laborious with lots of caffeine I was stretching my body to limits. Then you have funny friends around you. They play a highly respectable role in the stressful office environment; they will take you out for a smoke, you will laugh with them over some funny chick, or crack a few super stupid jokes. They make your best buddies in the office.

But then fun mostly comes at a cost. Cost could be time, remember time is money, or cost could be money itself. Often this cost is your health. With friends you would want to do things you wouldn't normally do. You will drink as if you were a fish. You race your bikes/cars to limits. You would just go overboard stretching your limits in almost everything you do. But then that is all fun. These days you will never ever forget, so it is worth paying that cost.

Likewise, I and my dear office pal were having a busy though fun involved good day. "Bro you want to smoke some shit", is the punch line when ever any of us wants to smoke (this isn't smoking up, just some tobacco). "Sure bro! Let’s do it", I replied. Well we went to the balcony on our office floor, letching at almost every second chick who came across the two of us (by the way I completely loathe doing it, but unfortunately I was born with this disorder/sickness what so ever you may want to call it). It is completely dark, 10:20 pm at night, two of us, I take out a joint out of my cigarette pack, no technically it wasn't a joint, it was pure marijuana, ok may be not pure marijuana by quality but it was 100% marijuana with no tobacco in it. Then thanks to my loving woman, she loves me more than the number of finely grinded marijuana particles in that roll. Yes she grinded it in a mixer, so as to save the time involved in rolling a joint, aren’t she a creative genius, I bet she is!

Next thing, I plucked out the filter of the cigarette with my grippe teeth, quicker than usual, I must add. I made a small roche, plugged it at the filter's place to build a fine spliff. Without wasting much time, I lit the spliff and started inhaling the smoke. THC is absorbed quicker than most of the other substances by the blood. As it enters the lungs, it is absorbed by the blood, which takes it to the brain. THC acts by binding or activating specific receptors in the brain. These receptors affect your memory, concentration, coordination of movement etc. So, if THC binds with these receptors your brain is going to be f***** up. And here comes the role of your best buddy in the office. "Dude, I don't feel the hit, I think this stuff is shit", why not, here we are to kill ourselves. Honestly it would have different levels of impact on different people, he didn't feel the hit, and I was just blinding or stonily believing his words, as a result I was taking a large amount of smoke with every drag. After 3-4 minutes, perhaps lesser, we were through with the entire stuff. We walked into the office lobby. I was slower than before.

There was a feeling of mild Euphoria. I was happy and looking forward to get back to my work. But wait a minute, my buddy tells me, "Dude I am feeling good, I think I am stoned", I reply, "Huh...Are you? Nice!" He looks at me and makes a funny expression, "Dude what happened to you eyes, why they are so red?" And this wasn't a streak or two of red lines, my both eyes were blood red, only thing apart from red was black. I moved to loo, I concurred with his opinion. This was the first I sensed fear. Well I have smoked a lot of junk in past, far more than this, but my eyes never went red. This was surprising as well as scary. First my buddy made funny comments, "Dude you are f*****, you stoned man, what did we smoke man", but soon I scare the shit of him also. We walked to our desks. I sat down on chair right besides him. I could feel that something was wrong with my heart. And that was making me anxious. Next worst thing, 15 minutes back I was feeling cold because of the air conditioning, but now I was sweating like anything. I sweat at least half a glass of water in 3-4 minutes. What was happening to my muscles, I don’t know. But this never happened before. My buddy tried to calm me down, but I was telling him to stay with me for some time. I even told him to take me to the doctor in the campus. He told me relax for some time. Everything will be fine. Then I might my senior. He took pity on my condition and told me to leave for home and work on the next day. Gracious! Thank god he didn’t ask me the reason for my f***** up situation.

Now the next effect, my lips became brown. They already half brown because I am brown man and I smoke, but then they so brown as if they were drained out of blood. Why would this happen? I thought and my stoned head gave me this answer, “may be your heart cannot pump sufficient blood; is it a heart attack?” That thought made me paranoid. I told by buddy to call my pal at home. I was unable to talk to him, he explained him something and my pal immediately came to office. But by the time he reached my condition improved. All this happened in 10-15 minutes of time. I walked out of office, I had no faith in my driving capabilities (not to mention that I have an experience of 1000s of km driving after getting sloshed) so he took me in his car. I busted his balls by telling him that I might have had a heart attack. We immediately went to the doctor. And the f****** up doctor without much inspection said you are fine. He asked me twice or thrice, did you take alcohol, I refused. He asked me did you take anything else, I said food. I told myself, “I am not gonna tell you, I did marijuana”. He said you are fine. I asked him so many times are sure. Ultimately he said, ok! You get an ECG done for your satisfaction. ECG is a scary process. They put so many small leads on your entire body that the first thought you get is that you are going to get an electric shock. As he pointed ECG was also fine, no heart attack. The doctor was a sarcastic bastard. He told me do want to get a CT scan done! May be it is a stroke! No thank you for you cooperation. Perhaps he came to know that I was high, and no one suffers from a heart attack after doing marijuana.

We walked out of the hospital. I came back home. Ate a lot of kheer and then slept.

Hedonsim --->

2008-02-02T08:28:00.000-08:00

Though segmentation of various sects of society has already created many problems; nevertheless I propose another one. Like all other segmentation philosophies this one is also based upon a premise which would want to boost social welfare. Without digressing much, I shall jump to the critical points.

Well, why do we need this philosophy? I don’t think we do. Let us not argue upon why we need this philosophy, let us talk about when we need such a philosophy. Segmentation is done when there is some kind of homogeneity present in smaller groups, contrasted against other smaller groups. Thus, I would say color amongst people wearing red, blue & green caps; I would want to segment them on the basis of the color of their caps. I can go another step further and say that I want to segment them on the basis of the color of their skin. Possibilities are limitless; you can go on refining your segmentation criteria to get more and more segments. One such criterion is morality.

Someone said morality is universal. It has to be same and true for all beings. I do not refute that, in fact that is what I believe more strongly in. But we shall not forget that when your views are presented against a wall, you feel that the wall is stronger, unless the views are allowed to diffuse from the sides, so that even they can show that they have capacities to impregnate the walls of the common high held notions of the society. Hence, a new thought in the air.

Today is a very different world compared to past, but still there are few things common. The world still has people who have power, money and desires with which they seem to conquer this world. It is difficult to explain the segmentation I am proposing but the basic rule is to contrast them on the basis of different morality. Consider a section like film industry. For an average individual the values hyped there are futile and shallow. People live their lives maturing in these values. For them enriching their pockets, lusting for fame and power is considered reverent. Individual possessing any of the above is more or less worshiped. And that is their culture. For most of the individuals in this sect this is nothing morally wrong. They have cultivated such values within themselves, which are considered to be their way of living. At the same time an individual living in an entirely different sect, per say some one like me, who still believes at least if not follows in entirety, the values of an average Indian society man, these would be considered lowly. Because my parents never taught me to run after money, they never taught me to praise people possessing power/money, they never taught me to act as a social butterfly. And yes these are never my priorities in life.

Well I can be a little less harsh and instead of using morality I should use the word values. So, it is basically value segmented society. And yes values vary largely from one sect to another. But after all we wanted to talk about moral values so I will be calling it moral values now. Moral values are relative. That is why it is so difficult to form a universal civil code. Born as free human beings, we have all the right to behave in a way that we want. But are we really born in a free world? We are born in a civilization. And civilization is bound by a code. A code which has been refined over ages by the experiences and learning of mankind! So, we say we are born in a free world, if our country is not ruled by some other country, but the truth is that in any case we are ruled by someone. We are never free. You are not allowed to murder, hunt, do drugs, and free sex. So considered evils are unacceptable. Hence, here we are slaves of the modern free world.

Different sects of society tweak these constraints according to the prevalent moral values.

Thought for the day

2008-02-02T08:10:00.000-08:00

A seed is sown. A stem appears with little leaves. Along with these leaves grow tiny buds. A visionary very keenly observes each stage of growth of this plant and sees the future beauty yet to appear. This visionary pictures the future of this plant on a piece of paper using a palette of colors and a brush.

And finally bud grows into a full fledged flower, sprinkling the beauty of its color, brilliantly into the environment. Each passing day registers another tiny little advancement in its size. Visionary captured this entire beauty in the painting, and was happy with the progress and waited for more.

Until one day when the path of growth of this flower is obstructed. Lack of anticipation baffles my visionary. Since, this is not something that was expected. Visionary was stuck in strange situation, where the prediction of the flower’s growth had gone wrong. So, visionary decided to observe for more time and draw another real time picture. And thus compare them for true beauty.

The flower tried to force its way, but failed after a few tries, and it bended its path. Suddenly the visionary realized that the beauty of the original picture was no where seen. It wasn’t hard for our visionary to realize what had gone wrong, neither is it difficult for most of us to realize that, but then when we are not in observation mode we tend to ignore this just like the flower. Because being a part of the system we know how things are from our perspective, but a universal perspective is also something that is with us alone. And from inside we know what is right and what is wrong! What we should be doing and what not!

From being someone who respected values and followed them religiously to someone who compromised once and then just went with the flow is trivial. There is a very high likelihood of finding such people in your vicinity. More or less everyone is like that. But then so is the loss of beauty.

It would be highly immature to think that your entire life will witness absence of compromises, but when it matters the most, one should not bend their rules.

Full and Finals

2007-08-25T21:29:00.000-07:00

All your FnF’s are done here only. You hit someone with a stone; someone else will hit you with a stone, just that these events would be dislocated in time, so that you don’t realize that you were paying back for that particular misdeed of yours. Not that it is just related to misdeeds but your goodwill is also rewarded in a similar fashion. The laws remain the same.

We humans have a tendency to crib when things don’t seem to go our way. We tell every one our sorrows. We share the opinion that god has been rude to us, really mean. But we forget when we are being mean to other human beings. Let us talk about me only, because this is more of introspection rather than a preaching talk. I crib a lot when some shit happens to me because of some other person. And I keep on cursing that person and god (poor god always takes shit). It is true that this person is to blame for what he/she did. But did I ever wonder why this event occurred to me. Yes I did. And I could exactly see a parallel event in my past. It seemed the same story, only the roles were reversed. And yesterday’s tyrant was today’s atrocity bearer.

So, how am I supposed to behave when I find out that reason for the havoc of my life? Easy said, but once identified the cause should be pursued. Time machines have not be invented as of now, so you can’t go back and set that thing right. The best you can do is accepting it. Accept that you deserve a punishment for your past follies. And take is gracefully. I don’t say that I repent on what I did, because remorse is never a suggestion I would want to give, but take it indifferently. Try cutting the cribbing part. That will help you regain the peaceful state of your mind. This is one of those small line equations which have too much theory in their background and too much of ground work has been done for them, so that you can’t derive them every time. So, like those few formulas that you just have to cram only, do for this law as well.

Morality tells me for every wrong deed there should be a punishment afflicted. And there is no better justice than tit for tat. Only then you would know how it is like, to be, in someone else’s shoes, who has been a victim of your atrocities in past.

Self realization and self control are two modes of relieving the pain one is entitled to!

Wise Guys...

2007-08-25T21:18:00.000-07:00

Unpredictability in love is one of the most delicate intricacies of life. These emotions impart a beautiful feeling when two minds are in coherence, but they create fear and insecurity when incoherent.

It is something in which you have absolutely no control over other person’s emotions. You cannot, just cannot force things on anyone. In a clearer tone, you cannot cultivate love in someone’s heart for oneself; neither can you destroy the love you have for someone. The mechanics of love must be very complex, and at least, presently out of human comprehension. Though attempts have been made by predictive psychologists, but most of them have been to explain the already happened phenomena rather than to predict future behavior.

There are two types of learning, organized learning and experience learning. Well, the distinction between the two is somewhat like this, organized is something that is taught to people by regular courses, and experience learning is something that a person learning through the environment he/she goes through. And then, taking a perspective for love, human beings can be categorized into a set of two; viz. the ones who have taken society standardized courses in love/marriage and others who were a little more fortunate in terms of chance that they got opportunity to experience love before marriage as well.

When I make this categorization I want to see how one of these people’s is different from the other one. A person who straight away marries, without prior experience of a relationship is a less learned man, I assume experience adds to learning, compared to a person who has had relationships in past as well. Set aside the learning, there is a pertinent question in my head, which constantly asks me about the positives of the first person in above lines. What is the motive of love? Is it happiness? If so, then who is a happy man? The person one or person two? And how is happiness proportional to love?

Love definitely means happiness, but the converse might not be true. For the first person the happiness comes from love. His/her case is fairly simple. This person always thought he/she has to be the only love of her/his life. This is the universe for them, once in, they never thought of going out of it and they never actually did (assumption for this case). So, whatever experience they gain in their post marriage love life, they are smug with it, because they didn’t have any prior exposure to love, so they don’t have a bench mark to compare to. And they our society defines rules; they would be too hesitant to go beyond these shackles and explore. So, for person one, love is happiness and the converse also holds true.

Person two has a slightly complicated case. This person has had relationships in past, he/she knows what problems they had in their past experiences. He/she knows what to expect from a relationship and what not to. This person is like those wise guys who would want to ponder over every little thing before action. With experience this person has defined rules for himself/herself. With experience he/she has realized that all these rules have to be followed religiously, else the consequences could be detrimental, since each of these rules, have punishments associated with them, which enable their enforcement. Now, for evident reasons, once a person starts thinking so critically about the consequences of each step he/she is going to lose some charm in life. After all, there is more fun involved in breaking the law! So, this person stops repeating the actions that had caused trouble in past. Remember this person has experienced all this in past, as in he/she had already seen the consequences of breaking a law!

Love is a sweet fluid, you take one sip and you want to finish the whole bottle, alas it is intoxicating at times, and you never know when you might suffer from an overdose.

In reminiscent of their experiences, I rove into this person’s mind and I picture a soul wading through the oceans of constant pain and agony, with the hopes that this turmoil would cease one day.

This person makes a note of this experience, every time it happens to him/her, so that he/she learns from it. If you were lucky enough to survive once you would not risk your life again, since you might not get another chance. This is what life is like; learning from experiences and just dying one day. That is all to it. There is nothing beyond that we can see and there was nothing before visible to us.

A Skeptic

2007-08-20T22:09:00.000-07:00

If you let others govern your life you are going to get hurt. The entire idea of living for someone else or for others in general is hurtful. Because of its extrinsic nature, it is going to be unpredictable. The way you think about a person today might not be the way that person is in future. By living for others you are naturally privileging them with the power to play with your emotions. And believe me they are not mean or rather I would use a more generic term, they aren’t bad at all. Because had you not been doing what you are, you would have been doing what they are and thus in your own vision you wouldn’t have been bad.

Love and affection are beautiful when they go the way they are expected to. But like Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle puts a limit on how you know position and velocity, it perhaps also puts a limit on prediction of thoughts and feelings. Attachment is a state of high risk. Because it is state of stake involved, which one wouldn’t want to lose! It is the state of your commitment or rather the emotions that your body produces. If I grow really skeptical about attachment and if so does every one on this planet, life would become more predictable, and yes more mechanized as well. Because then you would know what is good for you and you would know which path to choose. However, life would lose its charm of suspense i.e. the unpredictability we were talking about; we would attain a state of altogether elimination of this factor from the society. And life would become like one of those predictable dull movies. Every human being would want to follow detachment because that is a state of less risk and thus less chance of emotional trauma.

As mentioned before, this is really a disenchanting way of living, since humans are used to living in crests and troughs, they would never want to be something like this, a life of a flat-liner. States of human mind are temporal, so is the risk taking capacity of human mind. Today’s jarhead is tomorrow’s smooth criminal, an example that with time wisdom grows. And thus to the delight of a skeptic the state of least risk is a choice of wisdom.

Sex livelihood

2007-07-17T21:58:00.000-07:00

A girl walks by me while I was standing at the bus stop waiting for the next bus to arrive. There was something strikingly peculiar about her. She wasn’t any girl from next door. The way she was dressed up, was provoking enough for any man to turn heads. It seemed as if her body was screaming, paint me red. It didn’t take me long to identify that she was one of those unfortunate ladies of the night. I could use all kinds of bad words describing her, but I want to refrain from it.

How unfortunate she could be that she resorted to these means? Or are these means really used by those who are unfortunate? That’s was precisely the topic of debate, 3 years back, when I came up with a paper on anti-prostitution. The underlying idea that I had built in was that it was exploitation of women that we must stop in the form of prostitution. Prostitution in it self is not evil. It is like any other job. Every thing boils down to how lowly or how pristine you think sex is? If sex is really an ordinary thing then there is no problem with using it as means of earning money. However a lot of us think very lowly about sex. We think it is something even worse than the job of a sweeper. But still lots of people think that this job should be banned! We are totally confused, since if we go by this logic tomorrow we will have to justify the job of a peddler. All kind of relationships that involve exchange of money for services should be justified.

See, human beings have a survival instinct. And the society we have developed, here every one has to earn their bread. Different people use different means to do that, but on moral grounds they are justified.

Some people might argue that prostitutes are forced into this kind of business. Then I would say I was forced to become an engineer. We are actually slaves of the situation that society presents us with. We are slaves of the environment engulfing us.

Problem is not at the front of morality of prostitution as an occupation, but from the point of view of the extent of exploitation that is involved in it. I would say exploitation is present in all kind of jobs. The jobs where least exploitation happens are the high end jobs. Surely prostitution qualifies as a low end job. Doesn’t necessarily mean that we eliminate them on the basis of their being low end jobs, since, they surely are means of livelihood for someone.

If someone asks me would you like it to see your own daughter or may be your own mother working as a hooker? I would say yes. Given no other option for bread they might have to resort to this. Sex as livelihood would never be the first choice. It’s asking oneself this question. Would you like to see your daughter as a sweeper? No man, I would want her to become a doctor, may be a scientist, because I believe that these are jobs which require intellect and they from psychology point of view are healthier than the job of a sweeper or a prostitute. Choice of jobs at times is not in your hands. That’s what happens with people doing low end jobs. Who wants to do something that offers lesser returns, but nevertheless it is a JOB.

Crux, here is that the job of prostitute is morally correct, but may be a low end job. We should not hate them for doing that job. No one has the right to look down upon anyone who is at least self-reliant.

8 Wierd Things about me!!

2007-06-28T09:49:00.000-07:00

PS tagged me with this one. I'm supposed to reveal (hold your breath)-- eight random facts about myself (you may breathe now!)

1) I have an urge to do something which others don't do, or think is bad! Evil attracts me.

2) I seem to go to any extent for friends. Friends come first for me.

3) I have a penchant for the supernatural!

4) I wish to know all about the dark world. I watch gore movies! I love to see the darkest mysteries of the real and imaginary world.

5) I am a nice person from heart.

6) I have a fetish for mature women.

7) I have a kissing fetish.

8) I hate corporate world, I like the world as it was, without sophistication, though I am a bit hypocritical in this case.

Hallucinogen

2007-05-27T03:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder what true reality is.

There is a list of 600+ drugs available in the market (prescription or underground) that can cause hallucinations. These drugs modify our brain in such a way that its normal (or the so perceived normal) functioning is distorted, resulting in viewing those things which a normal brain cannot view.

Every person under the influence of these drugs sees a separate reality associated to him/her self. It is incoherent with what a normal person sees. But then what a normal person sees is not necessarily true. Because it is a piece of hydrocarbons attached together and secreting other hydrocarbons which govern what we see! Now what secretion takes place is governed by these drugs.

There is coherence in what we all see, when we aren’t on any drugs. But when two people sitting by each other take these drugs, they tend to see different worlds. Now, essentially these are only signals generated by our hydrocarbon brains and their processing, but why this incoherence between two people’s responses under the influence of drugs.

Today I somehow feel that there is some reality associated with these hallucinations. There is a different world that normally our brain is incapable of seeing. But these drugs momentarily impart the capability of shifting to another reality! I called it reality contrary to the normal belief, since I believe that we human beings are kind of incapable of comprehending right now what is real and what is not! May be we need time and more research to know what real is.

I don’t want to end up without a moral so I add one. No thoughts are crazy, they are a glimpse of what could be revolution.

The Wannabes

2007-05-26T22:26:00.000-07:00

Since last few days I have started ‘wannabe’ hunting. Or rather, I must say, I have started giving a name to few people’s very pestering attitude towards life. They live a life by an image that they create in others vision. What I mean to say here is that their actions and at least there talks are so evident of their fake-ness. They would say what ever gives you an ‘aaw’ or may be they will form an image using a few words and then try to live up to that image by any means.

The annoying part is that they don’t live for themselves, in a way they do, but their actions are governed by their false images which are a result of their constant faking in different conversations with different people. And in that pretense, they kill natural behavior. Now here there is a catch, what is natural behavior? Natural behavior of one person could be different from another person. The thing I am trying to explain is little difficult to put into words, but I shall give my best shot. Imagine that the natural thing for a wannabe is being a wannabe! So his wannabe nature is natural for him. Now an analogy that could closely fit here is black people. I would say that the natural color of human body is white, but then it is not because for black men it is black. They don’t suffer from a disease/deficiency. Thus, even a wannabe doesn’t suffer from a disease; it’s his/her nature that makes it a wannabe. Since black people are evil and most people don’t like it, so are wannabes. Thus, finally an addition to human hate, hate on basis of behavior, categorization on basis of behavior. Well it is not a new thing though, Hitler did it! Hated Jew’s for what they were. Even the biggest moral court also discriminates on the basis of behavior. Punishing a murderer? That’s also discrimination basis behavior. Now, matter of prime importance here is to see if wannabe behavior qualifies for being a felony? To me it at least generates hate if not punishment.

Now how this person gets identified? Well I am no moral police, but still I mention. You lie to one person but you forget it. And you tell a different lie to another person. And this cycle keeps on going on and on. Ultimately, this wannabe is trapped in its own cobweb. But the true character of a wannabe makes him stubborn. When a wannabe is caught red-handed of its pseudo projection, it still doesn’t accept it, and it still fights to lie more and more, to defend its first lie. But it doesn’t continue till eternity, it ends with a loser statement like, “why should prove a point to you?” “Ok I don’t care what you think! I know I am right” “Get lost!” And finally, one that I really find funny, to put the ball in other’s court, “You are a loser!”

Wannabes are complex creatures in their thinking. They are very ambitious. They don’t take steps without brooding over it. It is just that they don’t’ realize that mayhem they cause while crapping from their mouth. Wannabes are like bad artists who does really sick imagery just to please the viewers, but he ultimately he receives no appreciation, because art isn’t an act of fake-ness but a pristine result of one’s true feeling.

What other things a wannabe does? A wannabe always wants to talk about his/her own-self. At times wannabe creates pseudo problems in his life just for the sake of attention. Then every body, thinking that it is some major mishap in our wannabes life starts asking him things and yes his/her purpose of life is fulfilled. Wannabe fakes about its possessions and its experiences. Wannabe acts like Mr. Know it all, sadly with a little knowledge. That’s why you can always beat or rather affirm wannabe behavior by getting into details. But beware wannabe gets really pissed if you get into details of things. But wannabe’s are clever and egoistic they would try to modify the path that you intend to take them to, that is of retribution. Exposing all the fake-ness of a wannabe! Wannabe is badly resistant to it. Once a wannabe realizes that its time for death, he or she just makes an exit. Its like a virus, who sucks on to you till the time you don’t take antibiotics, once it is on, the virus just exits you body to find another source. Thus, lived the wannabe!

पगान् (Pagaan) - Close to Nature

2007-05-07T13:17:00.000-07:00

There is very little that we know about the universe as of now. Even if know it all we will still not be sure if there is more to know or not. Tell me one fundamental field in which no further research is possible? There are no ways we can reach the ultimate truth; with every step taken further we are one step closer but never there. It seems, theoretically only that it will take infinite time to reach the ultimate truth.

Take the example of human understanding over last 500 years. From rejecting the premise of earth being flat, stationary and what not, we have arrived at the level of explaining black holes. Just imagine how one would think when they first found that earth was round and the whole universe was revolving around it. They would perhaps consider it to be the ultimate discovery of all time, but still it was wrong.

There is an inherent nature of this problem that we are right now a part of this system. And to study it accurately we perhaps need to go out of it and see. An ant moving on a ring never realizes if she is moving in a circle (given a large curvature) for her it is just a straight line.

Infinity by its definition is not achievable. Hence a lack of certainty in universe is the only truth.

Fuckin Up

2007-01-30T14:37:00.000-08:00

"To forget one's purpose is the commonest form of stupidity." Nietzsche

Sadly, I never knew what it was! I'm still struggling to find that purpose, striving to live till then, till then, in stupidity.

The Beginning of the End

2006-12-16T03:59:00.000-08:00

Let us start with the roots. They say we evolved from monkeys. In monkeys, though I am not sure, but I presume that they do not follow single partner rules. They copulate with multiple partners. We are an evolved species, but they are the roots, the ancestral species. Genetic adaptation over time has ultimately resulted in a lot of ambiguous modifications in physiology and psychology. If we strongly believe that the physiological change is governed by genetic change and up to an extent psychological change as well (if we overlook the effects of environment), then we can club all these changes under one heading, that of mutation (I love to choose this word, even if it is not exact here).

So, over the years monkeys got mutated and became human beings. And one mutation led to the loss of promiscuity in the major chunk of human beings. Let us go back to ancient times. Whatever proof we have says that in some regions of earth polygamy was prevalent, in some polyandry and in others monogamy. This is about marriage only, to simply things, I assume that copulation only took place after marriage or if before marriage then it resulted in marriage, but they were inseparable. So, humans were always confused what to do? They pondered but then they had multiple partners. In some societies powerful men were polygamous, but not all men. So, there was no clear cut rule defining this human behavior.

There was a formation of a societal institution called marriage, because of which free sex was hindered. There was no free sex in the world, man and woman entered a relationship before having sex, which was recognized by the society. This was a part of civilization. But still they were not sure about whether a man should have multiple partners or a woman. This thing continued for long, and then with multiple factors like awareness, social revolutions things changed. Now, we have a society where we believe in one marriage!

A lot of people think that copulation cannot be had without feelings. That is true. But feeling of attachment is not a must. You can copulate without affection. It is a physical need related to psyche. But that psyche need not be affection.

Essentially we still are unable to prove what is wrong with copulating with multiple partners. Apart from lame reasons that we give about AIDS and all, well these can be good reasons but still not strong enough. I believe has to be psychological bent towards this need analysis. What exactly is it determined by?

(In complete! First of the letters exchanged with a lovely contemplator)

My Own Star Chase

2006-11-15T20:02:00.000-08:00

This is a story when I lived far away from earth, on a distant planet. One night I came out of my den and gazed at the interstellar space. There were millions of scintillating stars. I decided to take a voyage towards planet earth, because the light coming from there had a spellbinding effect on me. I wasn’t sure what it was doing, but curiosity served as fuel for my voyage. I had a hunch that my voyage would be full of difficulties and my destination, far out of reach. But every time I looked at that star I wanted to reach it even more. Every light year I traversed through the empty space, I was alone and that was the beauty of this voyage.

It simmered slowly and its warmth traveled across the ether to entice voyagers like me. As I kept on getting closer to this star, it became even more beautiful. Finally the voyage was complete and to my amazement the star was far prettier than my expectations. I was honored by the star to have reached it.

I set an observatory close to the star so that I could know more about the beauty it kindled. That day onwards I could do nothing else but appreciate the beauty and thus I had a new 24/7 job. I started converting this beauty into text, because I wanted the moments of amazement to prevail till eternity. I craft this star into a lady, so that the world close to this star empathizes with me.

This lady had the prettiest eyes in the world. No doubt I was drowned into the unfathomable depth of her eyes. The freshness of a garden pulp and the radiance of a sunny day flower compared to one look on her face. There was elegance in every movement she made. The curvaceous shape of her body had an orgasmic impact on every observer. The elegance of the expressions of her radiant face made me spell bound and generated a thought process towards her for ages. The impact of her presence made me a slave bowing to her pulchritude. I lost all my senses but one, that incessantly appreciated her splendor.

Like every voyager I wanted to see the star from as close as I could, alas the burning sensation would kill me. My continual signal transmission at last yielded some response. I was overwhelmed at my success and I wanted to glorify it. There was joy in everything.

But sadly, stars keep on moving in the ether where everything that doesn’t collide or gets annihilated by the star moves further away from it at a speed faster than ever before. Soon I ran out of fuel to survive in the orbit around it, and we moved apart, with memories of gold.

One voyage can change your life. My quest for this beautiful star had a life changing impact on me. And that impact still persists, and will continue to persist eternally, that is the power of her attraction.

Fuck the name

2006-10-04T08:21:00.000-07:00

Fuck the name (FTN) rocked the insides of Mezz, when I was checked by Mahaveer. “How many beers for you sir?” I smile and bring my hand forward to greet his hospitality. “None! I am out of cash, and friends are on the way.” I tell him about my fucking condition of being broke! Well couldn’t help money is always in shortage, no matter how much you have; moreover it was already 20^th of the month. I just fortunately happened to find this gig at Mezz, reached just in time, not to miss a single string. I consumed all the cash that I had, eat momos cheap and filling, bought a 10 cig pack, and paid 100 for my entry.

Well, inside the pub, slowly and slowly, the weird crowd was gathering. I checked out a few hot chicks in there, yeah they were literally dressed to kill. Smoked a few cigs till the time Stanley arrived and funded the beer. The harsh, ear-drum wrecking music, with all that smoke and alcohol was taking everyone high. I found my self a peaceful (didn’t mean it by noise, but crowd) spot besides the speaker.

Alcohol has a patented effect on me, unlike few others it is not a thing of euphoria for me, but depression. I get into a state of sublime emotions; sadness zooms in front of me. Longitudinal pressure waves traverse through the smoky ambiance creating a holocaust for neurons of my brain. The rod cells transmit a fading glimpse to my optic nerve, which generates electrical impulses to be sent to my brain, which through complex chemical activity determines that it is a white skin. This brings me back to reality, but yet, not completely.

I see a foreigner, a middle aged man, waving his arms in sheer ecstasy. He was accompanied by three little chink girls, who from no angle seemed to be related to that man. I couldn’t resist my inquisitive nature and went on to explore the scene slightly deeper.

The old man held her from the waist and made a move towards her. He treated her like a toy, and touched her in a lewd, yet insulting way. She was one among those millions, deprived of justice and respect she deserved in this ruthless men’s world where women hold a position of pleasure objects. She smiled time after time and the plasticity of her gesture was not obscure.

Money can’t buy everything but sure sex. Men of reckless riches are ones who buy women to satiate their undying libidos. Sex for money is not difficult to obtain, and sex as a business is good, as sex sells a good deal. But same is true for kidneys, heart, narcotics, and all the evil shit. In some of these businesses it is the customer who pays the bigger price, and in others it is the client who pays the bigger price and yes here I am talking about price in terms of morality and not the metal-implanted paper.

I am an analyst, I go to office, I don’t wish to work, I detest my bosses, I feel I am doing injustice to my moral self and I quit the job. I could betray my soul for money so I quit the job. I find a new one which is better. I like the work; I respect my bosses and work hard to yield good results. I love it; I do moral justice with myself.

But where is this scenario in business of sex workers? They don’t like there customers, they don’t like their bosses but still they do their job. There is an absence of moral satisfaction. They don’t do moral justice to themselves. They live by selling their soul.

Making love is a beautiful thing; and beautiful things are priceless, don’t buy them.

Resonance Effect

2006-09-13T10:53:00.000-07:00

There was a transfer of thousands of bacteria as she rolled her tongue inside his enormously salivating mouth. She rested her back in his arms, folded around her breasts. There was feeling of unmatched peace. The peace was accompanied by a thrill of possessing him as well the moment. There was no one around, no one to disturb the freedom they shared. Their solitude was unperturbed.

As they together sat on the sofa and looked out of the window at the eleventh floor, they could catch a splendid view of the dimly lit city in bright orange color. She couldn’t have felt better, one of the glorious moments of life. With time the heat of the moment increased, leading their passionate souls to achieve the pinnacle of bliss. Her hands went into his hair as she bent her face to comfort her lips on his. With a spurt of serotonin in his brain he grabbed her butts with his hands, pushing her tightly towards himself. They pressed their bodies against each other to increase the level of friction. Still, there were a few layers of fabric between them, but their heated bodies could not resist them for long.

Her head felt beautiful, so did her body; she knew that it was a pristine feeling. They moved to the bed so that there was more fun and less injury. Their genitals were already wetted by the natural outflow of love juices. So, it didn’t take him long to enter her and take her to the sublime states of copulating.

As she laid her head on his hairy chest, she was marred by post-coitus thoughts. She asked him the old question that every lover asks their partner, if they love them or not? And the guy burst into laughter. Perhaps he understood the innocence behind that question. Well true, you aren’t expected to be smart in love! But a stupid fool!

Love has to be felt but not said. Languages can be misleading, but vibes cannot be! Feelings cannot be right or wrong, but their interpretation. Our biggest misery is that we use language as a tool to communicate, which in itself is not complete and thus is misleading. I don’t what the right way to communicate is, but at least for sure that at least for myself I am more cheated when I took somebody’s words for granted than their vibes. So, need I say trust the vibes?

Living somebody else's life

2006-08-07T10:13:00.000-07:00

Lament first…some things are just not meant to happen and when you run after them they run farther away making you believe more strongly in the existence of a mysterious celestial force conspiring against your what you want. For instance I had been trying to put down something on my blogspace for last one month without any success. Today while I started scribbling down (I regret the usage of this word here, analogous for typing, without much help) the power went off, and sadly my UPS no longer offers surviving potential. Anyways thankfully I got another chance to scribble (Repeating mistakes is not my habit) down and yes hopefully by the end of this article I might also feel good for materializing this chance well.

Well the article is about the work. Long time back when I was in college (2 months back) people around, used to say a lot about the difficulty of the nearing professional life. Though I was not oblivious to what they used to say but I never thought it would that different. Surely every one misses the spirit of freedom one has a student but then there are a few unprecedented detestable things associated with the professional life, and they are the responsibilities which follow.

It would stupid of me to say that I cannot take responsibilities lest of some fear. I am not talking about the responsibility of work, neither am I talking about the responsibility of finances, but something else. Now, I tried to figure out what this is without much success. Though I have a slight idea of what they are. At least I know the instances of these unjustified responsibilities. I find myself getting trapped into all this, all the time being unaware of what is happening, then one day I realize that what is happening is not what I want but something that is a result of my current state of life. I will tell you the difference, there were so many times when I was in college I could say no to people because I didn’t want to do what they asked me to but now I find exceedingly difficult to do so. It happens in both professional as well as personal situations and believe me had it been only for the professional bit things would have been tolerable but personal issues just freak you bad.

Either I will become bad in their eyes, or I will feel bad for doing what they want me to. This situation is really terrible, it is just like bottling the steam one day it will break bottle with burst and things will take a bad shape. I wonder if I can afford to be a SAY NO kind of a person again or if I will have to compromise for the rest of my life. The thought makes me quiver.

Another change is happening in my head, I am unable to think free, my thinking cords are sagging, bearing the load of other-hood. Killing this other-hood is what I need to figure out how. I guess I need solitude to figure that out.

Trivia

2006-07-05T19:10:00.000-07:00

Long time no interesting story to tell. Alas I retort to my favorite topic: women. I must say a few words about the women in my office. Well most of them are respectable dames but some seem bitchy. First let me brief you about the scene of my office.

Six of us, IITians, joined this analytics firm, with two of us including me in pharma team and the rest four in finance team. Well the most interesting thing is that this sextet we form is nothing but a group of snobs. Our company doesn’t have many IITians before us that gives us obvious reasons to look down upon others. I confess that we are being haughty bastards here, but we can’t help it. Though, we might be less capable than what we presume to be, but still, we have enough big a reason to have a condescending eye for others. We do nothing more than cracking silly jokes on everyone. If we run out of people, we start bulling each other.

Women in office, there is one female I am really attracted to, but as usual, my bad luck is too good, and she always goes out with another guy, who in all terms seems better than me. I envy him! Never mind! She has an amazingly cute smile, and she has the delicacy that a female must posses. She is attributed with a good dressing sense and off course in uniform she seems more provocative than anything. She is a perfect blend of cuteness and sexiness. She is in a different team, and I have always been too shy to say hi first.

Well that’s where it closes actually, there are other females as well in fact a lot of them but none of them is as appealing as she is, neither is their charm as appealing as her to occupy my blogspace.

Well such women keep coming to your life, time after time, and they leave an impact which is fast but temporal. And there is another set of women who make your life; their impact is slow but eternal. You can get fun with the first set of women, but never satisfaction. Because when it comes to rest, you cannot sleep on a bed of diamonds, but a bed of flowers.

Not my piece of cake

2006-06-30T05:58:00.000-07:00

Third day into real life, things don’t seem to be at all fun. In three days I have realized that I am not among those who find work exciting, interesting or inspiring. It totally sucks ass. I get up at 6:30 in the morning, and it feels awful. I go through morning ablutions. I take all pleasure in dressing up in formals; they surely look good, but are uncomfortable to wear, the so called corporate look is not easy to carry. Polished leather shoes surely add to the grace of plain dark colored trousers and bright colored shirts, but one foot in soil and they are fucked. The dark pants are no good; they get mottled with every stint of alien body touch. My left foot dirties the lower right of my pants and the right one with full compliance to Newton’s third law of force does the left one the same favor. It sure feels disgusting when you have to constantly keep brushing the dust off.

To add to it, talk about the shirts; they get dirty without doing anything at all. Collars, cuffs, and where ever there is an opportunity.

Perhaps I don’t know how to carry formals well; I just hope that I learn soon, or may be I no more stay corporate.

She is a lady

2006-05-29T02:05:00.000-07:00

At times she is gloomy, at times she is gay. But she always dwells on rhythm. A rhythm, that compels you to dance with her. Many words of praise from the praise worthy are bestowed to her. She is deeper, the deepest ocean, only to be matched by the incessant space. Once you start adoring her, you can never get out of her love. She is a freak head, yet she is the most sensible woman in the world. She is mystic, but she is truth. She creates illusions, yet beautiful and so close to the world we are and the world we wanted to be in. She was born out of creativity.

I spend most of my time with her, and that is all quality time spent. She teaches me a lot of things; at times I think she is the most intellectual female of the world. She has opinions on everything; if not solutions. She is benevolent; she is considerate of poor hearts. She feels the pain; she knows how to party hard.

She has no semblance, no shape, yet she is the most beautiful female of the world. Once found, you can never lose her. She commits to you forever. She is the one love who never gets angry with you, and never bored of her, because, she is vivid. She is not ordinary. She is music to ears, and that’s what she is called.

PS: - Inspired by the words of Mikael Akerfeldt, “If music was a woman, I’d desperately want to fuck her”.

Nocturnals - One night at Pilot Plant

2006-05-09T04:18:00.000-07:00

This is my first post which I am writing without any motivation. So perhaps it would be radically different. Since I don't know what I am about write, so this just might not make any sense at all.

Lets have a look at the events that made my day today. I woke up pretty late, 3 pm in the afternoon, which has been the usual trend for past few months. But thats ok, if one considers the fact that I went to sleep at 7 in the morning, 8 hrs of sleep, fairly nice. I wake up, and immediately call my sir, he tells me to have my lunch at his place. Saves my energy of wondering what to eat in the terrible heat. I plan my schedule that after lunch I ll go to the lab and work. I took a hot water shower, because nothing better was available. Though this experience was bad, but it has been a habit, also, atleast I got sterilized.

I walk my way to Sir's house. I buy some coke on my way, most of which I finish before I reach his place. Pretty cool room, tasty lunch served, and I didn't miss the opportunity to hog like a pig. A good lunch should always be followed by a good sleep. I fell on the bed...aah blissful state. Seconds later the power goes off. Gawd! Not so nice!...Its like he slaps and tells me...huh...you asshole! you had to go and work and you are bloody sleeping here. Get your ass up. I had no choice but to move, I gave myself consolation that th lab AC is better, take slight pain right now and go and sleep in the lab.

I reach the lab, nobodies there, perfect. I flip through a thesis for some while and get the stuff I needed and plan my experiment for the day or rather night. But then there is small information missing, which only my sir could tell me. I thought of giving him a call and wake him up, but then I thought it is not right. This man stays awake for 20 hrs a day, his average sleep has been 4 hrs for last 3 months. So, I just reject the thought of stealing a few moments from that precious sleep.

For next three hours I do rummage on internet, lissen to music, talk to friends over phone, the time just whizz passes. Meanwhile I show my smartness and prepare all the chemical reagents needed in my experiment beforehand, and then I feel clever without any reason.

Sir calls up, a couple of other friends appear, and together we go out for dinner. There is an inner pain, that I feel when I have to waste time commuting from one place to another. I can waste 23 hrs of the day sitting or sleeping or doing nothing but I feel terrible when I have to waste time travelling, then it doesn't matter if the time interval is as short as 5 mins. My usual pain appears and I start discussing my experiment with my sir, in a couple of mins, I extract the information that I needed from him.

Okie bloody hell, its 3:45 am and I have to stay awake for another 4 hrs. I am happy because that ways, perhaps after 5 months or more I ll eat breakfast. Well, out of breakfast I miss milk most. Though I don't like it much but still there is something about it. Things which have been a part of your life for long, when they are no more you miss them, irrespective of weather you like them or they you are indifferent to them. Things or people, true it is for both.

Shit it is 5:45 am..well all this while I did some of my work in fact took me one complete hour and then went to nescafe, had a choco muffin, maggy with ice tea. Morning time is beautiful, perhaps the most pleasent for any summer day. Cool breeze rejuvenates you. And yeah smoking in such a weather is an awesome experience, neverthless one should avoid smoking.

I will have to spend another couple of hours before my work is complete. Things always take more time than expected. But atleast, the work will be over when I go back to my room. I know if you have done the mistake to read all this crap, you must be regretting by now. I apologize for boring you, though I never intended, it just happens, shit happens you know. And now I see the sun too. Bloody time for me to go to bed, though I ll be slightly late today.

Solitude

2006-05-06T11:56:00.001-07:00

Once again, I find myself falling to my own weakness. The reason I see, is that I never thought this weakness as a weakness rather I believed it to be my magnanimity, which for obvious reasons was considered as a positive trait. Has it paid anyone, having a big heart?

Once bitten twice shy. But I didn't learn. My folly, perhaps. Well, let me put some light on what I am talking about. I am talking about making people your life or rather friends your life. You make sacrifices, you make compromises, you kill your pride because once attached you believe that things should carried forward in good spirit. Because you don't bind easily to everyone, so you continue to believe that there is something special about that person. But there is a limit to everything, limit to the extent you can kill your pride, limit to the sacrifices you can make...And when the water goes above your head you think it is good for you to just get out of it.

We need friends to take care of us, because now and then they are the ones who understand you the best, they are the ones with whom you have all your fun. But, all along with this there is a certain degree of respect that you demand, if thats missing there is no strength in the bond.

Happy are those who don't care. Who never get attached. Who will share the happiness you have, but never bother to offer help when troubles engulf you. Life for them is very simple, rather they are the happiest folks around.

I have a few embedded traits, which I cannot lose, my amiable nature, my magnanimity. So, I believe what is good for me is to just stay aloof. Oh wonderful, guess whats the next song on my playlist: Solitude by Cathedral.

Jo ho Wahi Rahoge!!

2006-05-02T04:05:00.000-07:00

Source

A Reflection of Beauty

2006-04-29T01:38:00.000-07:00

Black is the color of evil. At the same time a saying goes, "Fine mine surrender to black". Her eyes gracefully adored black Kajal. Without a province of error, her face was an epitome of beauty. You could just sit bemused, wondering over the effort god must have put in creating her. You could just get lost in every little bit of her, because she encompassed the pulchritude of various forms. Innocence dripped from her face, at the same time their was a hidden danger,to which the whole world witnessing her was oblivious.

She was the object of my keen and constant observation for 15 minutes or so, and not once we made eye contact. She was alone, lighting one cigerrte after another, slowly but surely kindling the beauty she had. She does nothing extraordinary, still she is very special. She always looks occupied by some wasteful thought. She has many friends, and probably a lot more admirers than friends. She always has a book, into which she is deeply engrossed.

Someone said, women have more than two eyes. Even if they are not looking at you with their visible eyes, still they can see the person who is looking at them. She lifted her eyelids and she knew she was killing me, and she did it again and again. Stealing now and then a glare, and embarssing me again and again, but I am one hard hearted fellow. She found me guilty of examining her without her permission, but I think she must be taking my appreciation as another feather in her hat. Or may be she was not, because I would merely be like any of those hundreds of secret admirers she has. I was slightly sad over that, but still, till the time you are trapped in the worldly deeds, you must realize the importance of sadness as a parameter to gauge the happiness in future.

She dressed elegantly. Very contemporary, very good. She knows very well how to carry herself. She has a slight mole on her upper lip, which is somewhat like a black dot on baby's face. She carries it well though, and it is disappearing fast, perhaps she got a surgery done. She talks gracefully, I overheard her while she was talking to the barista guy.

She is one little soul who believes in the words, "Change is another name of life". She recently got a new hair cut which just intensified the looks she wears. She never wears the same clothes again, I never saw her wearing the same attire twice. Well, when the whole world wears hoops, she adores similar rectangles in her ear lobes, and they don't look good on any one other than her.

Well, their was something special about the way she moved her eyes. Her face never moved much, but her eyes did, strong eye muscles I must say. Some women have this capability that they can turn you on without doing much. Such women are exquisite, and she surely falls in that category. I see, in her, all the attributes of a powerful woman who can rule men.

When I was a kid, one day I visited this place which had large number of mirrors. In every mirror you look different, you look the way that mirror projects. Your reflection is just a myth, though it carried the true image but it distorts it the way it wants to. And yes, I am skeptical.

At times I think she is a nihilist, advocating her strangeness with her peculiar actions. Well then I think a little and say, may be she is not truely beautiful, but just a reflection of true beauty...

Have a look....

2006-04-14T00:55:00.000-07:00

Finally, my thought of converting my beer belly into abs was put into action today. Getting rid of that obscene pot belly and instead getting sexy abs. I just hope that I am regular with exercise and do not mess up things in between.

Looks play an incredibly big role in this world. Makes me slightly sad, but then I wonder if discrimination on the basis of looks is fair or not. Well before I move on I must recognize this fact that all of our attributes are god given, which include wisdom and looks both.

Well, every one wants to look hot, every wants to be wise too. Both these things ultimate do good to our confidence. Two equally well qualified men appear a technical interview, the interviewer gives them same marks for everything, but one of them is handsome compared to the other one. The interviewer has a natural bias, to take the handsome one, fair enough! Right? I mean these are very trivial inherent prejudices that we have, and they are very much human nature.

But the problem comes in case of faking the truth. We don’t find it bad to discriminate on basis of wisdom. This guy is more intelligent take him. But at the time hypocrites, we think discrimination on the basis of looks is unfair. Black and white, whites think they are superior, and they commit hate crimes based upon the looks. Though very little or not at all, at least never heard a hate crime based upon wisdom.

The thing is that truth shall be disclosed. Fakeness is provocative to contemptuous actions. Reality shouldn’t be tempered with. Some things are said and exist in the society, others are not said but they also exist.

Reservation, a hot topic of the moment also provokes hate crime, creates man made walls.

Apartheid is disgusting. I just wonder what would have happened, had the blacks developed more prior to the whites. I don’t how they would have treated the white men. But lot of this discrimination is based upon socio-economic scene.

Now a very different personal point of view, a person gets up in the morning, he has things like I need to learn this today, Ok! I need to go to gym, workout, Ok! And his life is very much based upon a protocol, increase your wisdom and enhance or maintain the sensuality of your looks. Well these are very basic things apart from the details of how we achieve all this, but they are the primarily identified deeds. I don’t see anything wrong with that.

Well, answer would have been easier had we known the purpose of our life. But still I am confused. I think with time this might become clearer, and I might be able to justify it with some rationality which is missing right now. Nevertheless, I shall not quit and keep working on abs. hehe

Once again...humane

2006-03-24T01:58:00.001-08:00

This one is again about the premarital relationship of a man and woman. Well over the last few years I have seen a lot of relationships being made and broken. Many of them were successful, in the sense that they continued longer than others. Herein I present a story which focuses primarily on the sad part of this kind of bond.

Let us see how a relationship starts and shapes up. One of the sexes, predominantly the male, makes advancement towards the other and this other who is vulnerable to love, responds affirmatively. And thus, a couple starts going around, and are called to be in a relationship of love.

The story is actually not that simple. Rather there are complications added by inequality of devotion, commitment, interest and responsibility. I shall give these vital ingredients a single name of love. In 90% of the relationships that I have seen in my life this has been the case. In rather fortunate 10% cases the couples are actually unanimous in their love towards each other. In rest, one or more of these ingredients is missing.

There is an inherent flaw, and the answer follows from the study of fundamentals of human nature. Principles of competition and ambition, very much apply here too. Let us take the case of couple Rahul and Soumya. Rahul proposed Soumya telling her that he is crazy about her, he loves her from the deepest core of her heart, doing a lot of flattery, impressing her with his dedication and sincerity before she finally said yes to him. They happily go around, have fun. One day Rahul met another female Monica and finds her exceedingly pretty. He goes back home thinks about her only. She doesn’t get out of his head. He compares Soumya and Monica. Soumya’s beauty no more appeals to him. Monica seems smarter than Soumya. On the other side Soumya sleeps thinking about his beloved boy Rahul, planning for the coming Sunday. They meet and Rahul tells her that he no more likes her because she is not her type or giving her all kind of reasons telling that he is no more interested in her. She is speechless, she doesn’t know what to say, the guy who loved her so much yesterday no more likes her. Where did she go wrong, where did she fail to keep up the relationship? All these queries were waste, because that guy was gone.

They broke. Whose fault was it? No ones. Rahul found someone better so he moved to her. Don’t we shift jobs when we find a better one? Don’t we change houses to move into a new better one? Just that jobs and houses don’t have emotions like Soumya. But does it matter for Rahul. No a person who is leaving never cares for that. He/she doesn’t see what is left behind. What shape would it take when they are gone? Isn’t it a part of our ambitious character that we want to move to better things in life? I guess it is, very much. Similitude analysis will tell that this was a part of growth for Rahul. Yes, along with ambition it also shows the selfish character of Rahul, for the sake of his own pleasures/fun, he is indifferent to the pains of Soumya. Transformation of Love --> Hate, Love --> Selfishness

I was never a feminist, for some time in the years of haze I did become one. Don’t think that its only men who have this so called dog character. Women are equally crooked. Another similar story, based upon the lines of lack of availability of good products. This female, Aarti starts going around with this guy Mohit. Aarti was never interested in Mohit, but it was his increased persuading and lack of availability of good opportunities that made her say yes to him. Under such circumstances as soon as the good resources are available naturally Aarti would feel vulnerable towards them. And Mohit, just being lagging behind in the race won’t be the best of options available, would be exceedingly prone to suffering. He is dumped after a month because Aarti has finally found someone else who is better than Mohit, to it is time to say good bye to her time pass. Aarti was a beautiful girl and yes she deserved better than Mohit and had all the rights to go to a better guy but without playing with Mohit’s emotions. But again, if I have some cheap bread to eat today, and I hope to get good quality bread tomorrow won’t I consume the cheaper bread today? Or will my right to have good quality bread tomorrow be regarded sacrilegious? Transformation of Love --> Hate, Love --> Selfishness

For most it won’t be difficult to say that I crapped. And there was clear a cut flaw in my argument surrounding the amalgamation of principles applicable to non living things and living things.

I don’t profess a theory here. It is just an argument mocking the ruthlessness surrounding a large number of relationships. Is there a way out? Or the only way out is staying out of it?

Smoking the last Cigarette of the day...

2006-02-23T04:37:00.000-08:00

You read what I see. A big mustard colored board and an arrow over it pointed towards the beer and wine shop. I move my eyes in the direction of the arrow; the path my vision traces intercepts the aesthetically beautiful Barista. A glimpse inside shows an exceedingly cute couple; playing their cute little mysterious love games. Off course they want to go ahead, cross the limits, but the world is still not open, or may be I am just misinterpreting their sacred emotions. Eyes is their communication instrument, gleaming and blinking to mimick the shinning and twisting lips. Beautiful, isn't it? Enough of peeping, now my eyes start blushing. I see another board, this time a huge board with an arrow opposite to the previous one. My little favorite Barista is squeezed between these two blithes or may be a more critical inspection would reveal that both of them point towards Barista alone. Any ways, the green vegetable and bread shop, Subway. It looks clean and organised, pretty much demanded attributes for attraction. A bunch of loosely dressed long hair guys smoking their lungs out sat on the chairs under the green board. I just wonder, why they don't go to the basment Village Cafe. I am sure they will love the place, its wooden interiors, ultimate music and last but not the least FTV. A bliss for smokers and coffee freaks. To a side, Raibows, is no where close to its inspiration. MJ is another place for good music and beer lovers, but its a gay place for the some of my random prejudicies. You may go there and judge for yourselve. SDA market haas been a sure shot place for good time between lecture breaks, but a few overfortunate ones who don't have lectures at all, it is a 24/7 hangout. This aunty has been giving me stern looks for so long, perhaps she is scared of the gun I am clutching in my fingers, don't worry aunty, it is just a cigarrete, unlike a gun it kills slowly. Last puff, and I have to leave and work, bloody work! I hate it so much!

Moonlight Drive

2006-02-14T05:07:00.000-08:00

"Let's swim to the moon, let's climb through the tide. Penetrate the, evening that the, city sleeps too high. Let's swim out tonight love, it's our time to try. Park besides the ocean, on our moonlight drive"

Two pink bunnies...

2006-01-28T20:09:00.000-08:00

Pinky

2006-01-18T13:12:00.000-08:00

Cathartic

2006-01-18T10:18:00.000-08:00

Life is pain at times, when things don’t work the way you want them to. Today after a long time I have encountered a similar situation and I believe the reason for this is my own self. I have found myself guilty. I did something which I never thought I should have. I did something that was against my own preaching or ideology. I found myself to be a hypocrite.

I cannot talk about this to anyone, because no body will understand but a few to whom I cannot talk. This article is a concealed confession. At least it will ensure that I will get a night of peaceful sleep.

I was not corrupt. But I chose to become corrupt. I went on to elaborate my corruption justifying it with something that I shouldn’t have. The result of this was something that I feared. I am scared to lose my face for myself. I don’t care what the world thinks or says about me, because that’s trifling, but I care for myself. I don’t want to fall in front of my own conscience. That’s what pushed me to write this. This article doesn’t convey anything but helps me to analyze my deeds.

An apology means everything if you actually read into the things that went wrong, and set them right; even without the knowledge of the person against whom the offence was committed.

Thought for the Night

2006-01-15T03:25:00.000-08:00

If a man ends up in a pub every third day, can he be called a drunkard?

I for I

2005-12-27T10:27:00.000-08:00

Followed by criticism for reasons which show others (actually a few others aggrouping me) incapability or rather I should say impatience to read my long posts that actually confuse rather than convey an idea, I have decided to keep this post short, as much as possible.

This is about being mean. Once I was talking to a friend and we were discussing or rather time passing by pondering over useless things, which ultimately generated a great school of thought, at least I consider it to be so. We all get selfish at times, when we favor our selves as against others. Now there is a definite difference between a selfish act and an act that favors you. But, if we think more deeply there is no difference.

What is it to be mean? What actions fall under selfish mottos? What qualifies self satisfaction criteria?

An extremist idea blew my head and I started to explain. Every action in this world is self motivated. Reminder, as promised, I will keep it short. Let’s see how. Primary actions consist of my daily affairs like eating, drinking, gossiping, bathing, brushing, shitting, wearing clothes etc. I do them for me no doubt. Secondary would be the things I do to achieve something like studying for exams, working for money etc… again selfish. Last category consists of acts of benevolence, gratitude, and compassion etc. I reckon they are self-serving. Consider this, you go and help out a needy poor woman, doesn’t that serve as a source of great self satisfaction. You feel proud about that act of goodwill and great satisfaction, don’t you?

Hence, I conclude (though without objectivity, which according to my recent belief has ceased to exist or rather I should say it never existed, thus actually ruling out its relevance and utility) that all our actions are self serving, meaning that all of us are mean.

Libation

2005-12-06T01:13:00.000-08:00

In the deserts of ravenous desires, where the porcine pleasures lure you abode, I walked with the feet of an elephant. Random hysteria generated by the thirst of glittering gold caused a psychosomatic twinge in the body. Every yard moved, was scaled with a broken heart and a tiresome bod, still, the hopes were not let down. The complex mechanism of molecules generated some signals that created a craving for gold, as if a critical reaction for survival needed it as a catalyst. Across the mountains, is seen a valley with sunset alone, a place where even the dead angels fear to tread. In the depths of tragic old memories lied the tomb of treasure. The memories of those who once desired to reach the unreachable trench playfully enticed the soul. Reminiscent of the village times where the good old man talked about the anecdotes filled with fear and thrill. The place where no one ever reached, if someone did, he kind of hit the singularity of a black hole, so as never to return back to reality. As the black horse galloped through the desert, my heart much admired the courage of those who once hurled through the burning sands of the desert.

The golden glaciers, the much talked about, but no one knows what actually is inside? Some think there is a river of gold which flows inside the valley; there are others who think once you reach the real gold there will be aphrodisiacal angels greeting you carrying the ritual of libation and life thereafter would have every thing from beautiful women to gold. Some are more spiritual who think this is the way to god, crossing the valley takes you to heaven which is the place god lives and only a few lucky make it to that place, and for those who reach there, there is no return as it is heaven and who wants to come back to hell. But it is all a belief, no one actually knows what lies on the other side.

So much glory attached to this thing, that the stakes become too high. Success would simply change the time for you, so would failure. Repenting and discouraged one might digress. Life isn’t easy! It is test of how strong your character and commitment is. How long can you go with suffering without drifting away from the morals you once had and without losing the hopes of finding the gold. Compromising on character is no solution but a revelation of weakness of character. A Great man is one who has a strong commitment.

Some people tend to confuse process of learning with comprise. Our thinking is bound to change with experience. That is a part of learning. But, at the same time it should not go against the inner will we have.

Racing the horses through the mountainous stretch, heat tested the commitment time after time. Baked like a sandwich from the top it was nuclear powered sun and from the bottom it was the superheated sand. To add to pain was the dry and hot wind carrying grains which fired like bullets in the eyes. With miles to go and nothing to see, keeping the hopes high was more difficult than just walking. Thoughts of failure could just bury you in the sand; to just avoid them was the best strategy.

Thoughts of safely turning back often haunt your mind but once on the gate it is a different scenario. You feel one step closer to your target, so there is no turning back. Female clit is one way to enter her; the valley entrance seemed like a clit, and in each case you want to enter without any hesitance. The entrance is pretty enticing that you just cannot resist it. Though you get a felling of inexplicable fear but still once on the gates you just cannot resist entering. Once entered, the fate takes the control, if you took appropriate precautions, you might just come out safe without disturbing the nature else you might fuse some egg which can cause trouble in future. Inside the tomb we lost our way, we didn’t make a map to trace our way back, and we disturbed the demons, they were now secretly chasing us.

In panic we lost our goal, forget about the gold now we just wanted to survive. We were stranded like losers running around to find something to save us. Just then someone recalls that this is a test of our character and commitment, running away from it reveals our weakness and that’s how we fail. We must face it with courage, face your problems and they start disappearing. We all have weapons to fight them; the ultimate weapon is your character. Stronger the character, more lethal is the weapon.

Soon we fought and defeated them, the demons were gone and the white angels of hope appeared. The angel of conscientious thinking helped us with the path to gold. We say the brilliance; there was no libation, no women, no gold and no doors to heaven but a feeling of self satisfaction. A feeling of accomplishment and a happiness, that’s it.

Friends

2005-11-17T22:20:00.000-08:00

The grass was greener
The light was brighter
When friends surrounded
The nights of wonder

Floydian: "High Hopes"

"Everything comes to those who can wait"

2005-11-11T22:06:00.000-08:00

These are the words of a fifteenth century philosphor, I read them in a recent newspaper article.

We are born and we start yearning for things that glitter. It causes lots of unwanted pain, sleepless nights, random hystersis and certain wrong actions when we are no more able to bottle the steam due to high societal pressure and the inner glutton we have.

I am no different, and why should I be, being a human I have the same appetite for all that glitters. But unlike those lucky ones, who don't have to try too hard to achieve what they want, I am not blessed enough. Life has been a constant tussle between what I have desired and what I have got. Time after time god or whatever is the supreme power of universe has shown me that life is not easy for me. I ll digress a bit and pay homage to all those who are even less blessed than me, and there are billions of them. But this world is a selfish one, we live in a society that is majorly fed on capitalist ideology. So survival has to be fetched by being selfish, what I mean to say is that it is sought of justified in the culture we live in.

I get satisfaction in achieving things that others cannot. Precisily if I get something dearer, I am happy. But if I dont get it, I yearn for it, which causes pain and suffering and sometimes leads me to actions that I cannot justify in my wildest dreams.

Life is not a bed of roses, it shows both pricks and petals. Pricks infuriate you and then the evil inside prompts you to develop resistance to the prick or break it in retaliation. These pricks are like tests, they test you endurance. sometimes you tend to take an easy path skipping the pricks, but nevertheless the pricks have a vital role, they are tests. To pass a university exam you have to go through a number of tests, you dont have a choice to chose one or the other, in case you do you fail. Lesson here is that if you cannot skip any prick in path of your growth, since it is a vital test, if you do, you end up being a lesser being.

Well most of us are pretty happy being a lesser being, since we have little faith or little concern about what the lord wants from us. So, we dont want to compromise on the fun that those little action gives us. I have done that in past and I know I was wrong, I believe I could have gone beyond. I believe that god is Definate and god has a purpose for us. My conscience tells me what is right and wrong. I know the path of right is rocky and pricky but this is my test of endurance.

There has been instances in my life, when I chose the petals over the pricks, and I failed, being impatient. Knowing that you were wrong, and making up for it, takes the sin off. Wishfully, I will have the strength to face the metal in future and my faith will not shake.

Power of Our Love

2005-11-08T08:47:00.000-08:00

"Love is an art of being sensitive ... Dont miss a single opportunity to be loving , and don't do anything that goes against love" OSHO

The sound of ur heartbeat
The depth of ur eyes
The warm touch of ur hand
mesures The power of luv!

The care in ur arms
The romance in ur voice
The comfort in ur words
measures the power of luv!

The tenderness in ur touch
The eternity in ur kiss
The support in ur nature
measures the power of luv!

Deeper than the deepest ocean
higher than the highest mountain
Broader than the milky way
shows the power of OUR luv!!

PS:- This was dedicated to me by a loving woman accentuating the Power of our relationship.

Gardens of Melancholy

2005-10-29T02:41:00.000-07:00

Red Fire Ball

2005-10-12T10:03:00.000-07:00

I am the red fire ball as answer to the radical
I am the thirst unquenched for the enigma inspirited
I am the folly bound of the arduous mound
I am the primordial de-mystifier of the twisted genesis

Metamorphosis of Narcissus

2005-10-12T03:19:00.000-07:00

Salvador Dali, one of the 20th Century Master Artists, is one of the founders of Surrealism. At that time, surrealism was a radically different approach to art, where the artist turned to his dreams and imagination, not the external world, as source material for artistic expression. Strongly influenced by the ideas of Sigmund Freud, Dali and others stunned the world with their strange and powerful symbolic images. Back in Paris after his great success in America Salvador Dali painted this picture. This is one of the most vivid works of Salvador Dali.

In Greek myth, Narcissus was a surpassingly beautiful young man who saw his reflection in a fountain and fell in love with it. According to one version, unable to fulfill his desires, he pined away; but in a more dramatic alternative he leaned forward to embrace the image, toppled into the water and drowned, Afterwards the gods transformed him into the water narcissus flower. Dali shows Narcissus sitting in a pool, gazing down, while not far away there is a decaying stone figure which corresponds closely to him but is perceived quite differently as a hand holding up a bulb or egg from which a narcissus is growing. In the background, a group of naked figures stand about attitudinizing, while a third narcissus like figure appears on the horizon.

Making World Gay for Gays

2005-10-01T08:08:00.000-07:00

“My circle is artistic, philosophical and creative. My friends include the most popular artists, fashion designers, architects and writers of the city. Their brain is the vital attraction. And all of them are homosexuals”, proudly tells my pal who recently opened up to the society, realizing his true sexual preferences to be that of gay.

Queers, as they are called in a less dignified way, have not been accepted openly in the society. Implication of this is the formation of small alienated sects in the society. There are separate nights for homosexuals. Society itself creates rifts and when the rift is wide enough they crib about its existence. Why there is such a stigma attached to fags?

What makes us detest homosexuals and why we are unable to accept them as normal beings that have a different sexual orientation? Is that such a big deal? I guess it is! It is easy to say I will be perfectly normal, but difficult to implement. No matter how much conscious effort you make there will be stages when you tend to lower down the shutters and scream, “It is too much, you guys are so gay”. The mental blocks we have are too heavy to move I guess, but it is not totally a hopeless situation.

Last night I met two gay couples. I talked to one of them on phone before the meeting, he sounded perfectly normal like any straight guy. Before meeting them I had a strange kind of fear in myself, but I convinced myself that the best way get rid of this fear is to face whatever, it is. I met them in jovial spirits, and they also greeted me well. We went to the Nescafe picked up coffees of our strength and sat down to talk. A brief introduction, was followed by talks on what turns a gay on? This 50 year old guy, 6 ft and chubby, almost the age of my father, said that he has fetish for straight men. That was a blatant conjecture aimed at me that I was turning him on. A sense of discomfort engulfed my veins. After that he started hitting on me. I was like no ways can I let you cross your limits. And I could feel, what is it to be raped by eyes, something called ‘dormant rapes’.

I asked him one question, what do you think makes people detest gays? It is this attitude of theirs, that they start hitting on every second guy they see. I respect your sexual priority that doesn’t mean you start seducing every guy get attracted to. I met you people since I respect you guys, I respect the talent you have, the brains that you possess, do not demean them by some filthy action driven by sexual motives. Being gay is perfectly ok, but you have to keep your sexual life aloof from that of straight people. It is not that every second ass you see, you got to penetrate it.

One reason for this could be that gays are highly frustrated. This particular guy had all the success in his life, almost an empire built by him just by his creativity but he doesn’t have sexual satisfaction in his life. He is married to a woman, he has two kids almost my age, but his sexual life is not smug. He couldn’t open up before marriage; I don’t know how difficult it would have been for his wife, just because of the society we have. Proclaimed gays are few in number, since people fear from coming out, they fear rejection on part of society, parents and family.

It has to be joint effort, we have to be broad minded and we have to remove the mental blocks. And gays have also got to respect straight guy’s sexuality. Obviously if you go about touching a straight guy on his body he will surely feel molested, which is detestable by anyone.

Make a conscious effort to stay aware of what and why you are thinking, whenever you encounter gay issues, remove the mental blocks.

The Un Sinful Curves

2005-09-30T16:13:00.000-07:00

"If I imagine viewing her naked, it is not a folly of mine, but the one who made her"

It is the most intriguing object of arousal. No doubt great artists of all time have made their share of contribution by painting naked women, writing poems with descriptives entailing every detail of that curvacious bod and all points to the consequent pornographic movies.

Nudity is sinful, the world where I live in, it is surely. But is it really sacrilegious? Something that has to be answered now. Our society will say it is, but the justification is never convincing enough. A few custodians of culture and values tell me that sex, nudity and pornography arouse carnal desires which themselves are wicked. Let me put some arguments and offcourse with justification, why it is not so Wicked.

Let us answer this first, if you were isolated and left all alone on an island, would it be that your sex desire disappears? A critic can debate, answer could be conditional wheather you have had a past experience of sexual arousal or not. Let us take both the cases. First case is easy to answer, it would not disappear if I have had prior sexual arousal any time in my past life. Now, if I was born in an isolated island, in a totally hypothetical and impractical situtation, there could have been a possibility that I could have stayed chaste from this feeling. But that also has question mark in front of it. What if i argue sexual desire is inherent in me, you and them. Even little babies get aroused. I have seen it personally in a fairly interesting incident, I accidently looked at my 2 month old little cousion's penis, I don't know what was he was imagining but that little bastard had an erect penis. (oye don't doubt my character I aint a peadophile) Now how much is he exposed to the so called sexual stigma in this world. See we have to accept this fact that it is perfectly natural to have sexual desires. They are inborn.

We have to accept nudity and pornography as means of sexual pleasure or appreciation of feminine beauty. I think these porno companies are doing a great job unless offcourse they start exploiting the woman featuring them, which is something unacceptable and immoral.

The question of woman serving as objects of beauty is something that bothers most of the feminists. Well, personally I don't think it should be a concern since the woman leading the procession for female rights is always dressed up to kill, well that is again an effort to look good. Why can't these women wear lose kurtas, why they are so out streched on revealing every detail of the curves they possess. Perhaps their dogmas are self contradicting. Looking good is a part of ostentatious sexual arousal.

It is just that we often start things without defining limits and then scream when the water goes overhead.

Re-Discovering Myself

2005-09-15T10:53:00.000-07:00

"Chasing the shadows in yellow light while sailing on the ripples of smoke, I discovered myself high in the sea of caffeine"
Abhinav Swara

Dim light of Hope

2005-09-05T12:04:00.000-07:00

Twenty years of life, loads of learning, loads of experiences, loads of memories and loads of expectations from future. A man is born, and hopes are built. My Grand pa used to say, "A man's life is all about his wisdom". It is about how much he gained from life, how much he added to his intellect. Pertinently this wisdom is mostly acquired or a better word would be realized through experience. A true wise man is not born, he is built. Recall the thing they say, "Rome wasn't built in a day!"

Sky is really inspiring, especially the night sky, the beauty in vastness, the profundity in darkness, the glittering stars and the veiling constellations. Last night when I was walking down the road, I happened to look above, at the sky, something I often love to do. It propagated a flood of thoughts in me. Why the stars, why the sun, why earth, us and me? Wondering over the meaning of apparently the meaningless, it sounds so futile, then my gut pulls me back like what Einstein said, life can't be so trivial, there has to be something special about it. What is life for most us, who never bother to give a profound thought to it? I would take myself out of that set and look scornfully down at them and wonder the materialistic web they trap themselves into. Can life be so trivial? Every body does this! Running around like salivating dogs or may be growling pigs, behind the glittering emptiness of this world. Lord gave us something called conscience, use it and you will know lord doesn’t really want you to earn big money and buy limos and mansions! Or does he? May be your conscience would react in a different way! And then there could be a two reasons for that either it is corrupted/dishonest of it has been reluctant in accepting the truth, which is often unpleasant so we tend to shove ourselves away from it. As we fear it!

Then my watchdog hits me down and makes me wonder again why it can’t be the other way around. Today you look scornfully at the rest of the world, may be that is the way to live. May be materialistic chase is the ultimate road to where life is destined to take us. Life today, the way it is being lived, even after all professional success, spiritually it is dejected. Special stress, I in no way mean it the way religions profess it, the religions make it so complex. Religious rites are futile obligations. Strength of true self-less prayer is far more powerful against any sort of meanly motivated sacrificial rite. Why is it so hard for us to understand this? Would god be happy to see us being selfish?

Wise men said, "If you want to understand how the other person is feeling, you better put yourself in his/her position". Makes sense! Ok! Let us say I am god! First thought, I am no more an atheist. I see people being mean, I see this person really selfish, using and throwing humanity. What should I do about this person? And I say, "Gawd Damn it! Go to hell you filthy crook". Probably god would be a little less vulgar, but that is how things would look from his perspective. Common, it is not that difficult to see what god wants from us. If you are strong enough, you can figure it out, if you have will to that, you can figure it out; else the mundane world is always there to welcome you.

Now if you have chosen the mundane over the spiritual which obviously does not make much sense with our terribly constipated intellects, which probably comes at a different level of Feeling, which is something people have been unable to put on paper. Reasonably enough God didn’t want to make things so easy for us. To make into a prestigious institute you need to go through an equally high standard exam, not to demean its grandeur.

God is tough to achieve! Is it really so? I wondered, and then I explored analogies. And I found one. To get into IIT's is tough by ordinary standards, and the rarity makes it prestigious. Undoubtedly, it is one of the most superlative exams at the undergraduate level, in the whole world. An analogy can be drawn here, with parallelism fairly high exactitude. An ordinary student, an average one can crack the exam, given the right approach. If you ask the mentors, they will tell you how common sense is used to approach any problem. Strong basics, which can be developed by using common sense only and committed dedication, a spirited effort made by ones soul, are the too things that can bring this to your feet.

God, off course the most wanted ultimate resort for most, when we screw things up, when we are leveled by everyone, is the one thing/person/entity we ultimately land up to. I want you to ask your conscience, question your conscious what god wanted you to be and where you are heading. God wanted me to be a compassionate towards poor, I never give them alms! Rather I spend copious amounts of money on my so well seeked materialistic entertainment. At times I hurt people, use them for my selfish motives and then I beg pardon. How do I defend myself from this? I see no other way than to say that I am just human, and I learn from my mistakes. And that’s the way to it. Vivekananda laid so much stress on realization. Realization of mistakes, realization of truth, realization of your own self…they are the ultimate things.

Perhaps it is too early for me to explore the exact path to God, but one thing I am pretty confident about is that it can just be found by your own self, no one in this world will come and tell you that this thing is right and this thing is wrong, we ultimately do what our conscience tells us to. I don’t remember the last time I worked on a path which was a production of someone else’s conscience. We might wander whole of our lives, but one day will come when we will realize that all we did was not what we were supposed to do and that would be the point of enlightenment. All that’s needed is the time to grow.

Solitary Reaper

2005-08-16T23:56:00.000-07:00

Provocative women drive me crazy at times. And worst are the times when you die for someone particular. You lose freedom to broaden your horizons. You lose freedom to move ahead. It is like a full stop in life. And then even your notorious mind would never stops, you keep vacillating from one person to others, the others forming the set of people you want.

I was talking to a friend of mine, she sounded really sad about her break up with her boy friend, something provoked me to contemplate over benifits of single hood.

Lets see, how singles live! Me being one, loner in the abyss with couples and hot women sitting on the top of the mountain, try to see life from my perspective. Life from down here is not that bad, and trust me it is not that hard to realise, if you can burden your neural networks a little bit. There were times, when I used to crib, god damn! where's the girl I want, I want this woman, that woman...(See every one needs love, me no exception, I was born in a normal fashion and I am living a life of a normal being, so don't look at me with contempt. And if you try to be honest there is an equally frustoo guy/gal inside you, don't confuse it with a justification, I ain't proving anything to you, I just want you to believe in what you truly feel).

Then one day god appeared in my dreams, and said, "Swara! (c how popular this name of mine is that, even god can't call me Abhinav, :(( I miss my name so much) Women come and go!" Wiser a person is, more laconic he/she is, and who could be a better example than God! Thank you God, moment I have a problem he comes in my dreams and tells me a solution. I never believed in people who used to say that even friends ain't forever, friends today won't be friends tomorrow, perhaps I had strong reasons for this thinking, in 21 years of my life, I had never lost a friend, for me friends once, is friends forever! But then I question myself, is past such a strong reason to ruin your life sticking to one person. Profound thought leads you to great solutions, thats why I always take my time to ponder, and this time was't different. Life is about learning and moving on, rather than sticking to past, which has all glutinous properties to mar your confidence in life. So, one line lesson, Avoid glueing to past. I think I digressed a lot, sign of a bad writing. Without wasting any more time I ll state pros of singlehood.

Single-hood gives you freedom to dream about a different person every night, things shouldn't get boring right! And I caution the committed people, I don't know how much you think about ethics and morals before acting, but surely if you dream about different persons every night :P, you are ethically going wrong, filling your empty sin-tanks, and remember evil tanks fill a lot faster than you can imagine.

Next, single-hood gives freedom to flirt with N- no. of people because you ain't committed to one, Makes sense right! Its like being India, we stand with our liberal open economy, allowing countless opportunties to the world for trade, on similar lines we should leave ourselves open and let the world full of beautiful and unique attributes trade on terms of love and affection. See, I am not demeaning commitment, its sanctity is still maintained. I just want to show you the joys of not being committed.

Next, while you are single you don't owe any responsibility to anyone, which binds you. I am sure no one in this world wants to live in a coop! You can always start a new thing, and forget the past, things seem really hard at the beginning and one needs a lot of cruelty to kill your emotions but eventually its for your good. Your past can't bring happiness to you, you know that but you just refuse to trust your gut. Don't fool your self!

Next, singles enjoy the freedom of trying and testing! You enjoy the freedom of tasting different people(:P), an explicit pun intended) See, one person in your mind is like a huge rock, which restrains your movement in life. Remember what our teachers taught us in school, if you are stuck on one problem in exam, leave it and move to the next else you will lose many marks. A direct analogy can be drawn here, if you are stuck upon one person you are losing loads of fun in life, so its best to move on.

Next, love plays an important part in shaping your life, but there are things more important in life, that one must look up to, which includes career, your friends, your parents, and above all your own self. Love your self! You know this love is hardly successful and most of the things one does in love are lust driven. And for the naysayers, here is an advice, don't be skeptical, try being patient and give it a deep thought, you ll realise it better.

This article is something I put on and realised that it is very controversial and open to criticism. My own view would be to say that if there is love, great, if its not even then its great. See you got nothing to lose, in fact you have more to gain in single hood.

Thought for the Night

2005-08-03T21:04:00.000-07:00

"Falling doesn't matter, if you fight back to rise again"

Cinnamon Girl

2005-07-25T13:07:00.000-07:00

Tennis is a game where you wait for ball to come to you, especially when you play a slow game of dry clay courts. Ramming the last shot with vigor and a feeling of banal pride, I ended the game. Pulling my socks up, and aligning the skewed matrix of racquet guts, I moved to the stands. Take some time before you grab the water bottle after a game, an always overlooked warning. I gulp a few milliliters of water, while my eyes still on the little space age kids. Really the so called “cool babies”, though even they know they are wearing plastic masks, their parents bought them from their riches. I take a deep breath, when I am checked by a pat on my rear head. I turn my head to see who it is. To much of surprise, it is that young girl I saw a little while ago, on the other side of the court. Fairly tomboyish, shoulder length hair locks, a cute smile and a greeting hi. “Hey”, I respond back. “Remember me”, she said. As blank as ever, I said, “no”. She bursts into an expected laughter. “How would you know me, we never met before”. “Yeah Right”. She took her eyes off me and started looking straight, “you want to play a game?” “No, not now”, I am already done, I replied without thinking. “I want you to teach me”, she surprised me with all that interest, and “I have been like watching you for a couple of weeks now”. “Hey thanks you considered me worth that”, I replied feeling honored. She looked back and smiled. There is something with pretty women that you just can’t say no, and if she smiles she knows that she is killing you. “Ok! Let’s give it a try. By the way, what’s your name”, I just couldn’t say no. “Sania Mirza”. “What the fuck”, I was creepy laughing. “Moron! That’s my name, all right! Just a coincidence that it is same as Sania Mirza”, she was annoyed a bit.
I taught her a few basics, and shot techniques. Surely she hadn’t learnt anything from the training she was taking and I wasn’t sure that she will retain what I told her. Good for me that she got tired quickly. She was friendly and not shy, unlike me. Certainly, now I take my broadsword out whenever I see such an assault. But I liked the way she took things along. We went for a coffee after the game. I generally drive fast, but this time I wanted it to be slow. I wanted to prolong the time as much as I could. You like chocolates, I said yes I do. Again her smiling face, I wondered why god has been ruthless to men. Why couldn’t he make all men gay and reproduce and work hard for the welfare of MAN kind. You want to go for a drive? I gathered tons of courage and asked her. Not to my surprise she gladly accepted, “that would be awesome”. We went to the road of basking pleasures. Both side lush green forest, curvy roads with tulips smelting gold, and with her arm around my seat. You know why we have no ways out of this world, its because of the pretty things we see here. Every now and then in life we find something that is beautiful. God knew how to control population in his worlds. He sent pretty, material things down to earth to stray goats personified as men. But at times in life you want to untie your self.
There was something I didn’t expect to flow in, “Teach my driving”. I resisted. I thought to myself this just gone adult might ram us down some where. She put her hand on my arm and pleaded trust. For a while I just wanted that she never left my arm, but then I would be a sculpture, with donkeys peeing on my feet and crows shitting on my head. “All right! All right, but we just go straight all right, and you do no ruff handling, go smooth”, would I have a chance to say thanks to god. Driving lessons to cutie, another nice job option. Did she smell good, god did all adversities with men only, even after so much sweating she was fragrant. You start slow. Ok. First lessons, I remembered my Dad’s driver, rather I should call him Guruji, and the things he taught me, first lessons are always remembered, like first kiss, first date, first heart break…you can never forget them. I told her all that shit and we moved forward with a few hitches. I just cannot help my dirty mind, or perhaps my so called Dog nature, I looked at her slender legs, and I could take my eyes of them. A woman charisma is like that only, a seduction act, when you let yourself lose. “Nice legs”, I ain’t afraid of complimenting her assets. She daggers another shot into my heart with her foxy eyes and naughty smile. To my ill fate the feet at the end of those flashy legs were pestering the poor accelerator a little too much. My heart concomitant with the poor engine both were pumping hard for survival.
“Hey! Calm down. Slow it baby, you don’t have to press it too hard”, I almost shouted. She didn’t listen; instead she gave a kinky look back. You are driving for the first time, slow it. She won’t listen, we were already crossing sixty, my grabbed the hand brake, and the need could be anytime. I screamed again, “why are you doing this? I will pull the hand brake if you persist”. Don’t do that she responded smiling. This girls gone crazy and is going kill me today. We will touch hundred in a little time, please slow down, I literally begged. She felt the wave and quivered not in fear but with a nitro boost. I will slow down if you say that you love me, she caught me with sheer surprise. What is this crap? I retorted. Are you high on crack? No but moron say that you love me. Why do you want me to love you? We don’t even know each other. No, just say it.
Why I have to be adamant about certain things all the time? All right! All right! I love you. I love you a lot Sweet heart. And she slowed down and granted me life. She brought the car from 60 to zero in less then five seconds and caused me palpitation. This crazy girl removed her seat belt and kissed me, or rather suffocated me, something that I was supposed to do. She was all drenched with excitement and told me that she knew how to drive; she was just playing a game, and yeah last but not the least she smelled good ;), the cinnamon girl.

I died

2005-07-17T16:12:00.000-07:00

Last night I passed away. I hit a strange kind of fever or perhaps it hit me. May be it is dengue that hit me; I was bit by a mosquito in the day. I looked at the watch; it was 3:15 in the morning. Got up and took a paracetamol. Body temperature must be around some what 105 degree Fahrenheit. Half of my body was burning and the part below my belly was like freezing cold. “What’s happening”, I questioned myself that I always do. Shall I move to sick bay, call an ambulance! Is life risky? May be it is! Sometimes you feel you are unstable. Your thinking totally challenged. I choose not to go, wondering what if I passed away. One man less in this world won’t really make a difference. So I chose to die. I smiled looking outside the window moving my heavy lips. What if I die? Sounded so funny at that moment. I am 21 and people don’t often die at this stage. And I wasn’t normal that ways so I am going to die. They say life flash backs when you are about to die and yes it did. I recalled everything from my birth to tonight. Happy moments and sad moments, good people and bad people. Did I feel smug? I wasn’t sure. Probably not. I wondered things I wanted to do, but I couldn’t. Anyways once you are dead, it doesn’t matter. Fever was rising. I again considered my thought is dying ok. It might be painful; my body was already aching so much, it might really hurt more as I neared death. Strange is life and its moments. I wished I could see light once, I wanted to see brightness but outside my window everything was dark and gloomy, perhaps the right time to die. When I was young, I had this gut feeling that I will not die the way others do, but I never thought it was going to be so funny before death. I felt gay, couldn’t jump or scream because I had no vitality. But my heart was joyous. Still staring at the roof above and listening to Elton john’s Mona Lisa. The fever hit my head then, I quivered. My eyes closed. Ten minutes later I opened my eye, I was still alive. I wanted to put this experience on pen. It drove me to the MS word. My fingers move faster on the key board, then any other thing, probably I can be a good typewriter. Then I wondered where I am going to go once I die. Hell or heaven? Doesn’t really matter I can be good typewriter any where. Pee before you die, I saw my pale face in the mirror. Surely death was approaching me. I pulled key board close to me and lay in my bed. I will enlist the last thing you before you die. Some body died just for inferring the taste of a chemical. Probably this discovery of mine would also be of some use. What are last things I want to see before I die? I saw Eddie Vedder’s picture, he gave me lot in life, and with all due respect his words “think different” hit my mind. Desolation, fear and agony three words that lost there meaning. Mentally unstable, speaking or rather typing these words, that’s what I seem. Probably true, I freaked out. My head grew heavier. It is four forty one in the morning. I might get to see light once for the last time. A man followed into my room, I told him to put this on www.damnshitpot.blogspot.com.

Blitzkrieg

2005-07-12T09:26:00.000-07:00

One year of await finally ends, not to mention it started the night it ended last year. Ardent followers dressed up in impressive black gush outside the arena where the prestigious act is about to start in a few hours of time. It is a high demand show. The most applauded concert in the northern part of country, a prestigious contest of Rock Giants from all over the nation.

I wait for this show the whole year, for last six years I haven’t missed a single one and with every coming year my enthusiasm keeps on waxing. The show starts at 5 in the evening always delayed from its programmed time, because of the over burdened shoulders of immature undergraduate student's organization. I enter three hours before the show and see the bands going through the crucial sound check, setting there electronic machines to the tones of the console. Shrilled distortions, shrieked blazes from the stringed instruments ignite a covetous desire to head bang.

Running around with a bag full of entry passes and a walkie-talkie in my hand the situation was a mixture of high tension and excitement. Assuring everything to be at place and every event on time, managing a dozen sub ordinates, allocating duties, really meant a lot. The pressure is high when you know the responsibility of an event where the hopes of around five thousand people for a good show is fairly on your little team. And the relentless authorities of your institute will not tolerate a little deviance from ideality. They want things right at place and right on time no matter if a person stands for 24 hrs without sleep.

Half past four in the evening and all bands ended their sound check, I announced the evacuation of OAT, “Please leave and show your passes and enter again, cooperate so that we don’t call security”. Crowd showed sensibility and moved out. Dean of students calls me and enquires for all the details. So far so good. Band entry is from the VIP gate, all bands show there passes and enter at one time with me at the gate to verify there identity. We did so, I sounds easy but it took one full hour to enter bloody 6 bands in. I move to the other entry point and see a very common sight such an event. Some what thousands standing in queues, some with entry cards rest just hoping to swindle the security.

Every time it happens thousands of uninterested random beings just out of curiosity, who don’t even have any sense and respect for Rock n Roll get in and leave when they are unable to tolerate, wasting the chance of an ardent rock fan. Me and my pal decided this time we will try curbing this shit to the extent we can. I had some what around 300 entry passes, in my bag and I was running around giving people I knew deserved to be in. All thanks to my professor who understood the emotion behind it and thanks to my luck that day. I got around fifty people entering from the VIP entry all deserving ones. Another pal contributed to the effect by cajoling the security guards at the general entry point.

Success shows. After an hour or so my dean comes to me and tells me why the people are not leaving. When you have such a big crowd to handle, you have all the logistics of crowd in flow and out flow worked out. Under normal circumstances, something that had been happening for last few years, around after an hour of the event starting a gust of crowd moves out and then the gates open again to let those in who were left out. But there logistics failed this time, they experienced something that was very unexpected, people in stayed in. I saw Dean’s face and smirked, he made jeer remark at me when I was talking about Blitzkrieg with him about rock fanatics. And that moment I saw a perplexed authority. I told him, today there won’t be any such cycles and that actually happened. No one left the theater, every one was jolly in the frenzy cloud of the music rising high, reaching the seventh sky, listening to the guttural screams of the metal maniacs.

The event was an ultimate success. All credit to the team. It was an effort applauded by everyone around. The Dean was exalted, he gave us chocolates congratulating for our success.

Determination is strength, you can make differences with your will even if they are minor, and if you have a strong true emotion behind it your efforts will surely get what you want, all you need is little bit of God, rest is you, all the best.

Deep in my Heart

2005-07-08T13:58:00.000-07:00

Will you love me till the day I die
Will you love me in the after life
Will you pray to the seraphs and ask them to make sure I'm alright in my next life

Would you massage my back if I asked you
Would you believe me if I told you I loved you
Would you hold me tight and kiss me
And if I tried to get away would you say come back I ain't finished yet

If I told you I hated you would you take it to the heart
If I told I was leaving would you just let us part
If I had plane tickets to a tropical island far away
Would you drop everything you're doing and come away with me

Why is it we can never tell how we feel about each other
Why is it so hard to believe each other
Why is it that really don't trust each other
Why is it that we lust for each other

Why I think these things I really don't know
Maybe I think someday soon you might go
Or maybe it's just the opposite and I am just tired of all this shit
Would it really affect our lives if we were to part
I know when you answer these questions they will stay deep in my heart

PS:- This is by a friend of mine Sana. (All comments should be addressed to her)

Modern Day Warriors (Lovers)

2005-07-05T00:30:00.000-07:00

Love is no less than a war, and lovers no less than zealot warriors. Lovers’ fight the war against world to stay together, and at times they are ready to lay there lives for this purpose. Ranjha died, Romeo was killed.

Driven by the ardent emotions, which results from one stupid chemical secreted in our brains called Dopamine. Love has beneficial effects on you. Falling in love makes you more attractive, with the secretion of sex hormone estrogen that makes our skin softer and improves blood circulation. So all babes around get ready fall in love ;)

Love, if we look back into time it was pretty different at that time or may be the examples I know are pretty different from the way I see it today in our society. Like the love of Heer-Ranjha, Romeo-Juliet, they were warriors who probably exemplify love in the most appropriate sense. I don’t think I need to educate any one regarding what these warriors were like. But now the times are changing. The concept of love is changing.

One of my dear friends, perhaps the one among the two best I have, doesn’t mind going around with any woman, no matter who she is for “a fling”. The funniest thing about it is that he tells every one of them “I love you sweet heart” and then he tells me, “Man this time I have fallen in love”. Preposterous! And funny. The whole essence of love is lost it is used for everyone. Ok answer this! Why you say I love you to someone? Because you find him/her really special, meaning that probably he/she is your whole life’s most precious possession. You go around with a person and you hide your true emotions. Both of you know what you feel about each other, but you are just two scared to face the reality and you just can’t say it. Any relation that lasts, that has a stronger basis is one that is based on true facts not on fake illusions that one creates.

Another pal tells me that you can easily love 5-6 people in one life. Now I think of it, I just can’t stop laughing at this statement. But surely you need a king size heart to accommodate all of them. I wish had that big a heart. Last time I went home, a friend of mine told me in his pompous tone, “I got 30 women’s contacts in my cell phone, till date I have slept with half of them, I just want to complete the list”. I was like holyfuck! But all I could say was good luck buddy. I wish your dreams come true. (Pretty Lusty :P)

Another friend of mine had a sex relation ship with a woman for four months. But they clearly had the rules stated, they knew it on the first night they had sex and they knew it on the last night they had sex. Today, still they meet and they are like very good friends. The whole point is you have to be honest enough in expressing your true emotions so that the complications do not persist at later stages. Grudges are going to creep up if things are not clarified. Keeping things in heart is pain, unless you are a sado-masochist, which I presume 95% people are not, any one would hate it.

Sometimes I feel it is my traditional thinking that doesn’t allow me to think the way others do. I haven’t grown with the society. Our society is becoming fast with time. And surely lot of it is inspired by the western culture. Human beings pick evils quickly, perhaps I am not being rational enough to call it evil but I am sure even if our society doesn’t pick the traits of hard work and loyalty, we will surely adopt most of the evils of their culture.

Modern day warriors, they fly with the wind, not against it. This provokes me not to use such a respectful word like warriors!

This article is fairly open to criticism and I know fingers are going to be pointed and doubts about pragmatism of things are going to be raised. But believe me foundation of a lasting relation ship love, friendship is honesty. You might hurt a person for temporarily but in long he/she will respect your honesty.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~mAKe WorLD A LovabLe PLAce to live in~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dawn of Slavery

2005-07-01T04:16:00.000-07:00

Poverty is going to be eliminated because every one who is poor is going to die in impoverishment.

That’s precisely what globalization is doing. All right now I know fingers are being pointed, you will have things like creation of tremendous job opportunities, initiation of technology transfer, and economic prosperity of middle class to mention. Let us not be so selfish, I know at individual level and that too only to individuals of a particular section of society, globalization is doing good, but when it comes to economics the main emphasis is on the poor not the already rich.

We have had quite a bit improvement in the number of employment opportunities in our nation since last ten years or so. There has been large number of industrial setups with opening up of the economy. Cheap labor and resource exploitation was the buzz word in the era of colonization, and say what, it is the same even today under the name of Global economy and development loans to the poor country. I know this is something, which is really hard to escape, seeing the fact that we do need loans and we do need technology for rapid development. But there has to be a check, there has to be a filter which ensures that we only pick the stuff that we really need and be a little wiser at our policy making substance.

I will give a simple example. We have a canteen called KLS (which serves good food at fair prices), and then we have the Nescafe’s in our campus (which provides coffee, maggy and muffins, equally good, at least not better). Now the differences and what makes us prefer Nescafe over KLS (which is totally domestic), first of all, the fact that it is not open 24 hrs a day. The next, perhaps unconsciously or consciously but surely because of the way things are served. Looks matter; we again unconsciously or consciously, like those fancy cups and maggy dishes. Seriously it might sound trifling but it is a fact. And see how the Foreign shit exploits us, KLS just revised its rates once, raising prices by 50 paisa, and this counterpart of his raising maggy from Rs. 8 to Rs. 12 and Coffee from Rs. 3.50 to Rs. 5.0. How small, isn’t it? How much does it take, a mere difference of 1 or 2 bucks? Hardly matters to me or to you. But you know what he did with it? He is sending all that profit to a foreign country. The guy a Nescafe is paid Rs. 4000 per month and same for the guy at KLS, but the guy at Nescafe looks smarter. He says hello to all his customers for nice repeated visits, which the KLS man does not. The result is loss of business for him (a domestic industry at the part of a foreign industry). And can you guess what is ultimately going to happen, few years ahead we will have a pizza hut in IIT, pizza corner and KLS would be gone. (A case of domestic industry being over seized by a foreign industry).

Similar thing happened in case of most of the cottage in our country! Similar thing happened with ‘Thumbs Up’ if I am remembering it correctly. Ludhiana is known as the Manchester of India, all clothing is made there only, but it gets tag of Levis, Reebok, etc and is sold under a brand name for hefty prices. And see who is buying it? Rich or the middle class who can afford it, they could have any ways bought it.

I am not totally anti globalization; I know it something we just can’t escape from. All I am saying is that we need a good quality control at all points. If the leather is made in Jalandhar why can’t we have the similar quality under the name of some Indian brand than a foreign one? And we need a little bit policy improvement at some points like not letting our own industries subside due to a foreign industry, because that would eventually end up in the displacement of our domestic industry by them and that is going be the dawn of slavery!

My Friend Achievement

2005-06-26T07:43:00.000-07:00

Is it Achievement? Yeah it is she. She is coming this way. “Hey! Sweet heart! How are you darling?” sheepishly I answer, “I am fine honey, how you doing?” She tells me that she loves me (wink) and I tell her that she is my latest crush.
All right this friend of mine, she is called Achievement. Yeah right that’s her name (anglicized). But I think she is pretty tough to achieve. She reminds of me of, I don’t know what we exactly call it, a sugar coated knife. She will say sweet things, make cute faces, and pass on winks that will make your heart pound. And then like an innocent little doll she will walk away and I guess she loves it. She will wake you up in the middle of the night jus to say hi, and man how you can sleep after that.
Once upon a time she was roaming in an apple orchard, searching for the most beautiful fruit. Her search ended when she found a really sweet apple and there on she decided to live under that apple tree, caring and clinging to the blossoming bud. She thought she had found a reason to live, she had found life. One day when she was sleeping under the tree the apple fell on her. It hit her on the left part of her chest. It hurt and she screamed to the destiny why she? Pretty touchy.
My friend Achievement loves to dance, she loves to freak out…dancing is a passion for her and perhaps a mad one that she breaks the floor and makes everyone else falls to her feet. The height of her love for dancing is so much that once I was walking with her and she in her jolly mood swung her arms, only to find a moment later that I was lying on the road, so beware ( ;) wink)
I proposed her a couple of times but she says we don’t have intellectual matching. She thinks my intellect is not good enough for her. She demeans my mere intellectual capability. :)
My friend Achievement or my latest crush, I am sending you this apple of mine, accept it or else if would be taken by someone else or might rot. (:D)

Daddy! I wanna Play

2005-06-22T12:57:00.000-07:00

Persistently crying against the unaware force of patriarchy this aspirating kid eventually got tired and lost her hopes. She is destined not for what she desires. She is destined for something the male dominance of society wants. This is 21st century we are living in, and even till date we have such uncouth acts of the stronger sex.

This evening, I witnessed two bad things; first of all I was on the verge of losing the tennis match to Khanna, some thing that has not happened in past, anyways that’s trifling. Coming to the second bad thing and the one that is read through the title of this article, today I witnessed something that quivered my senses badly. I mean I have known that female child is neglected in family, things that a male child does are not allowed for the female child but I never witnessed it with my eyes. The scene goes like this! On the court adjacent to ours there were two kids and their father playing. Kids seemed not more than 10 years of age, one girl and one boy. Ten minutes of play all I could hear was repeated cries of the girl, “Daddy! I wanna play! Daddy I wanna play! Daddy! Daddy!...” And worse that little kid was running around the court picking up the ball for her preposterous father and brother to play. She probably had in mind that she will get to play if she did that. But sorry girl your father still isn’t able to respect the equality you deserve. Man I was pretty freaked out, but he was like an unrequiting rock. I gave him a stern look once and he stupidly smiled back at me. I didn’t want him to get hurt by someone 10-15 yrs younger so I didn’t tell him to stop exploiting the little kid and give her the racquet.(Perhaps I later realized that I was wrong, shouldn’t just watch injustice and do nothing) And trust me, that man, he looked like some professor shit, a highly educated personnel. I am sure it doesn’t mean that education has nothing to do with a persons understanding of right and wrong, it is more of a trend in the society. In fact it is the only way we have to make our society equal for both men and women. Probably we need more explanatory education, that says it loud and clear, not to fuck up with gender equality. I propose we should have chapters like "How unwittingly we Commit Gender disparity?"and "Ways we can avoid it" etc.

It might seem like a pettish thing but it is not. It starts from here only, perhaps countless similar things in which a female child is devoid of the opportunities a male child captures. It is just one instance that is acting like an example.

Well this is day when young females like Sania Mirza are making their way to Wimbledon, may be she lost in second round but that’s a separate issue. Why we don’t have more Sania Mirza’s. I think it would be redundant to mention it again. The last paragraph brings out the difference in conduct altogether. Why we can’t give them what they want when we can do the same for a male child. I am sure it is not that tough. Be rational and grow up parents.

Hollow Souls

2005-06-12T05:32:00.000-07:00

When the burden gets heavy and your body begins to ache for the will to strive,it finally finds a way to collapse; a way to heave you out of your worthless life.You have been walking for so long,with that weight on your back;time to let go.You have decided to drop it all off; torturous pain,you no longer wanted to know.You see the truth through doubtful eyes; a wrecked image,with cracks in between.Who are your friends?You no longer know; hurtful lies through love you have seen.the finger you pointed at those who cried, twisted and turned to face no one but you. Slowly fate uncovered those hidden lies; revealing what your innocent soul never knew. Wounded by hypocrisy,blinded by tears,you walk alone feeling numb and so dead inside.Your body is mangled;yet you are dead to the feeling;you no longer want to confide.Disheartened by continous failures;torn between shards of hope and seas of despair.Waves drag you and shove you back to reality;agitation is your companion;forever there.Through the murkiness you see your hope,breathing weakly;faraway from you grip.Standing on the edge of sanity,you see it fading-hope from hands begins to slip!Suddenly hatred finds a way to consume you and you let it weaken you with its power.You watch yourself tear away;as the life is drained out of you;you feel like a wilting flower.You are dead to the world,but mostly dead to the world who show you sympathy.You pay them back with revengeful words and make them taste your bitter agony;you watch yourself turning ruefully to the person you never imagined you could be.Even those smiles you sensed coming,they turned to spiteful glares for your eyes to see.You no longer see love and your heart is poisoned by abhorrence;yet you choose to stay.You finally decide that being lifeless will shield you from feeling pain-it was the only way!So the burden gets heavy and the heart gets harder-you begin to destroy what you built.Those years of hard work and trust begin to fall apart and your memories seem to wilt.You watch everything so carefully,just like you have always done but still you dont care. You watch those who loved you begin to despise you,as you helplessly stand there.You dont need their sympathy;you dont your eyes to shed tears over your past.yet you still do;you sit in your corner everyday,sobbing-for life fell apart so fast.You become to worship your anguish and welcome it with your arms wide open.To hold it between the waves in the merciless sea where your soul was sunken.Your world is painted eternally black;similar to the color of your drenched soul.To consume yourself and your memories;this will forever be your atrocious goal.You cast your shadow upon their eyes;blinding them from pleasure and happiness.You replace their bliss with goodbyes;and fill their world with never ending silence.You hold their sweet memories ij your and crush them to watch them slip away.You kiss their smiles goodbye with your noxious lips;nothing could stand in your way.You hiss those abhorrent words in their world of satisfaction to turn it into burning hell.You linger around lost souls;those who are hollow inside are those you can relate to.You whisper your soothing words in their ears,they understand;for they are like you.You seem to breathe you life into them, knowing that in their bodies it'll be secure. Safe from your insanity and continuos torture;other sufferers are your only cure. For as long as you live, you will carry the burden-for it surely what pushes you to strive. Your burden is your challenger, your burden is your relieving agony; it keeps you alive. Queen of Distress, you are to be,fate maybe deceitful yet to his promises he's a keeper. Forever suffering,forever in darkness-forever in tears, forever alone, forever weeper.

Ps:- This article is written by Sana(a frnd of mine). Ur comments if ne wud be addressed to her.

Women Of Misery

2005-06-07T02:40:00.000-07:00

http://www.geocities.com/saviinabyss/hu372n.html

Keep Smiling

My Last Summer

2005-05-31T10:57:00.000-07:00

I got up in the morning on the wrong side of the bed. I slept again as I had nothing to do. A summer morning, my head was damp with sweat. The fan in my room is not good enough to cool. Only cooling effect came from the sweat that dripped from my head onto the pillow. I slept bare naked last night to protect my satin sheet. Thanks to the heat at least it killed all the mosquitoes. And thanks to god, I never forget, at least I am still alive. I finally got up at 10:30 when I could not sleep any more. Life is injustice I can sleep for 20 hrs when it is exam time but not more than 12 hrs when I am free. I turned on the idiot PC; it logged me on to various messengers. I browsed through the offliners, none of them made any sense. Next thing it boots is the song player; turned on the loud crap I was listening to last night. It makes no difference now, I am already deaf. I check my mails, again nothing useful. I went through my ablutions monotonously without an interest. I wasn’t especially hungry but I wanted to eat for the ritual. I took my bag, put some books into it none of which interest me. I reached Barista my only hope of a nice place. ‘Breakfast at Barista’s’, one month it would have been a gay thought today it is my last hope. My thoughts: I sit alone at the corner table for some reason it is my favorite spot. I look at the cosmopolitan people around me they sound strangely strange. This guy pretty well dressed like an official is doing some work on his laptop or a funny thought he might be watching porn. What is he doing here at 12 if he is an official? Does it matter to me...huh! And this fat lady sitting right besides me seems so badly engrossed in her paper work that she didn’t even once sip the coffee she ordered. May be she likes it cold, but then why she ordered a hot cup? I have a curiosity problem; at times I will do anything to quench this strange desire. I peep into her papers while she looked outside; and damn it man she is doing some 10th class mathematics, perhaps she is a school teacher. I thought her to be a business analyst; make it a rule dude looks can’t talk about your profession. I don’t like this place, it seems so plastic. People seem so manipulative here. One o clock I move to the library, its better than my room but again I don’t like books either. I leave by 1:30. It is very hot, scorching summer sun, will it ever pity the poor. Again the idiot computer and a little bit of same old orkuting. I catch sleep after that. I get up at around 2:30. I wish it was evening but I wasn’t lucky enough. It feels like I am living just to live, I don’t know the art of life. It feels like it has been ages I even heard my own voice. I miss my friends and it is really ugly to live without people who care for you. It is really ugly to live without people who make you feel special. You talk to someone only when they give you a sense of security. I miss the love and affection. Its value is not realized when you have it but when it is gone. I see familiar faces but I cannot talk to them, they always existed there but I never bothered to talk, and they were never interesting and they will never be. It is 11 at night and the only words I spoke today were when I placed an order for breakfast. Funny it is to live like this, funny is a wrong word; it is painful to live like this. Hope tomorrow is not the same. Hope I get to hear my own voice a little more in the days to come.

Confession

2005-05-28T12:12:00.000-07:00

It is preposterous, how my mind works. One moment it can analyze things with an awesome rational knack, the next moment I lose it all. My head loses the battle it fights against the heart, the creepy entity that imparts emotions. It transports blood into my 'nerve of emotions', good and bad. And yes it always beats my mind, the rational entity. Like the war between evil and good, the evil (the emotional entity) almost always wins. I tend to react like a baby; a good willed adult who understands that the feelings of jealousy, hatred, distrust... are evil loses his ability to rationalize his own behavior. There were pressure situations I handled without panic, when others failed but the emotional crisis makes me too vulnerable. I am bad, and the God shall punish me.

Confession to the victims of my irrationality. Sorry for all the pain. Forgive me, I am nothing but a human.

Crash Landing after an awesome Flight

2005-05-25T01:56:00.000-07:00

Snort a pinch and your eye ball zooms and your vision goes hazy, you soar into your subconscious dreams seeing things funny, horrible, vulgar, gory. Your imagination takes a leap into ‘You in wonderland’. You feel thirsty to the extent that cannot be quenched by any amount of cold water. An intelligent being of you turns into a shitake mushroom, who gazes around like a mentally retarded person. You burst into laughter for no reason of good, an unstoppable activity for you till the time your tummy aches and you are lying on floor beating it. The very next moment you have an urge to hit, you are filled with tremendous psychological energy but you really don’t know how to focus it. This rush of blood can drag you into any antisocial activity, you can kill, rape, stab, jump out of a window for no reasons. That’s Cocaine!

Rolling spliffs, it is really a time consuming job, me not being an expert. But I had to rush, my friend called me a little while ago and told that another friend of his who has to leave soon wants to try the marijuana hit. I finished the job rolling six joints and went down. He was waiting in his car, thought, three of us and six joints, two each, cool! Hey hi! Introductions and we are on the move. The stuff was really good that time; I was expecting a good hit! We moved to the nearby hangout bought a cold menu drink (formality sake) and lit the first joint. There are etiquettes for smoking, three puffs and pass on to the next. But with joints it is different; one roll lasts longer than an average cigarette. Around two and half times longer, moreover the hit is even higher. First joint done, second done, third done, fourth done and our lips were dry like the sand of Sahara. I tried plumbing the level of hit they had underwent but my gauging power was badly hit too. My throat was burning. I got up and gulped three glasses of water. As the host it was my responsibility to ask for another one, so did I? But they were sloshed. I grinned, as if I had accomplished the task of making them feel the punch. Sorry, it was too good. The stuff was awesome this time. When I wasn’t noticing, in my state of so thought of as eternal bliss, they drank water like mad cows. We moved out of that place, climbing the stairs when every step seemed like lifting a hundred pound stone. Everything was slow, as if it was multiplied by 0.2 so that it moves slowly, whether it is our mind or our motion. We dragged ourselves to car, with no one knowing anything about other, we sat on our usual fixed locations but the car didn’t move. We waited but it didn’t move. We still waited but it didn’t move. I turned my head and saw there was no one to drive it. The driver was missing! I slowly gazed around, and holy shit he was puking in the corner. He didn’t stop for at least half an hour, after that he was too weak to move, we took him to the hospital, I knew there was hell lot of chance that the thing could to our parents but I had no choice my friends life was in danger, and we were scared to shit. He got two bottles of glucose drip. Somehow we were able to fake out that day, and we not caught, we fooled them saying it is a case of food poising, and not dope poising. The main reason he puked was that he took too much of water after the joints, and he was keeping all the smoke inside his tummy and not letting it out for a higher hit.

I learned a lesson that day drugs are futile. They make you sick and nothing else. Moving into such a state is really not a good experience where you lose your senses.

We had already smoked Mary Jane for around 15 days without any mishaps but with that we ended our resolution to dope. No more to drugs!

Romanticists: Part III

2005-05-24T21:28:00.000-07:00

Life is a teacher. But when it teaches you by force a true Sagittarian never learns. It was a stubborn kind of attitude. I would say to life, what you think you can scare me with this, seriously you can’t. I will again fall in love and will beat you bitch!

Now coming to my last crush. I can recall maximum of it because it was the most recent one and probably most intimate one too. We met in a really lucky fashion. 5 months after we came to know each other we never talked. I had no first sight crush on her, because we never met. Neither had I ever thought of getting together. Then one day she called up. A very sweet and low pitch voice. The second time she called she said lets meet up. I was surprised at the interest she was showing, but at times my words become my miseries, to keep one person happy I had to break another heart. I couldn’t meet her that day. And man she felt bad, as if I took her for granted which was not at all my intention. Any ways she cooled down after a while and then finally we met. I was dead on the first meeting itself. She had a glow on her face the glow of Oracle; I was totally stunned at her beauty. She had the elegance an order higher than an average girl. She sounded intelligent, a rare attribute for women. I could hardly talk because I didn’t really expect her to be that pretty. Long black hair totally awesome and very sweet smile. Her eyes, an illustration for the song 'sexy eyes'. She flaunted an attitude for which I fell flat.

I came back; those days were too busy for me to think of anything, I was too occupied with work, too much pressure on my little shoulders. I invited her to a function, she didn’t come. I felt bad. I am not used to hearing no, till the time I find a rational justification. Soon I was free from work, now I had ample time to drive the bike of my brain on to her track. Soon I realized that I was falling in love with her. There was I danger she made it clear that she doesn’t want any affair any more. She would say no if I approached her. I knew that. But this heart is a mad horse; it will run and jump into a cliff. I proposed her, stupid me, my fear was true, she refused. But I knew I can’t kill my love for her whether she refuses or not. I am completely a fan of moon, may be because it’s very beautiful or may be because my name means moon too. I compared her beauty to the beauty of moon. Yes she is that pretty. I would simply spend hours thinking about her beauty, and doing nothing. For a person like me who likes to be busy it is tough without a solid reason, which was she. After that we became very close friends, we shared a lot of things, we used to talk almost all the free time we had. My monthly phone bill became three times, but love makes you mad and it is really beautiful. It’s an awesome feeling to be loved by someone. We had a very sweet relationship; today I am unable to put it into words. And perhaps she is the only woman in my life I have got so close to, she absolutely knows me inside out, not even my mother. All I can say is that It was really the sweetest of all relationships I ever had. I won’t exactly call her my girl friend but she was something more than that, really close to heart, a lot cherished…

Romanticists: Part II

2005-05-24T21:27:00.000-07:00

Class 9th new school, new city, new friends and new girls. There were loads n loads of those in a city like Chandigarh. Perhaps I am a person who falls at the first sight. First day when I went to see the result for my admission I had cracked the exam, but while I was gazing at the list, I was suddenly hit by a floral tide of some perfume. I moved my head slightly to the left to see a radiant face. A girl short curly hair, very cute face, sexy eyes ocean deep and slim sleek figure! Oops was my reaction. But I had to take my eyes of quickly as I was with my dad. I am a really puppy baccha at home, no girls, no smoking, no boozeJ. She was awesome; I came home praying that she be in my section. But my prayers were not answeredL. She went to a different section and wonder what my school had enough hot chicks but I liked only her, just she. I told my close friends about her and they gave me awful feedbacks about her character, but no I liked her no matter what she was, not to mention she had a very sexy voice too. Our interaction was totally one sided, I would always stare, she won’t ever notice, follow her when she would leave for home, I would travel three miles extra just for her every day in the scorching sun. I dropped Hindi and took Punjabi in class 9th, major reason she was there, so that at least we would have one common period. Two years no talks, now was the time to depart still nothing, she won the title for miss sixteen, I told my friends she deserved it, they never trusted me before that but that day they were amazed at my eye. But she would be gone, and yes farewell party was the last day I saw her. So this crush of mine went without a single word exchange. Now she is perhaps settled into modeling somewhere in Canada.

One Good thing about having a single crush is that every night you think of that person only so you can avoid getting confused which one to think of before sleeping.

Class 11th & 12th I had this confusion, bad years no serious crush, many mini crushes.

Then I entered college, first year whiz passed me. I was too busy enjoying the freedom one has in college that I never got sentimental for anyone. I always thought there should be a girl but fun time in hostel; playing pranks, studying very little and then getting crazed about the grades and partying around overshadowed the need. Towards the end of the third year, I got really psyched for the lack of woman in my life. I wanted a girl’s love, but IIT the place where you spend 90% of your time provided very narrow opportunity. Strictly speaking I had no crushes in IIT. I liked a few girls and did appreciate there beauties, believe me there are few of those drop dead gorgeous in IIT’s too. But the sex ratio is terribly screwed. And there is a rush, guys drooling around whatever they find. My curiosity and emptiness bumped into this woman, she had average looks but was fairly nice by nature. Most of the time we spent together talking about technical things, studying together, making crappy assignments on time with a little bit of yummy yummy stuff and yes with that I grew up a bit. Now I was in that elite group in which most of the men want to get before graduation though it’s not a part of curriculum. Then she made me her pony, do this for me, do that for me! Being generous I know how much I can do for people without getting anything in return but she exceeded limits. And finally the thing I hate the most she tried to control my life, she cramped my freedom. And we broke!

Romanticists: Part I

2005-05-24T21:23:00.000-07:00

My first crush happened when I was in class first. In year 1989, we moved to the city of an engineering marvel, Nangal. My first day in school went awesomely. My seat was fixed with very pretty girl and was more than excited to go to the school thereafter. The level of excitement was so high that I went on to tell my mom all about this, though I later realized or in fact for the first time in my life I realized that girls were different and they were taken differently. The reaction of my mom to a guy friend and that to a girl friend differed radically. The next girl who touched my heart was my neighbor’s daughter. She was called Gudia! (Some of you might have good laugh at this one!) Somehow I really found her name very sweet and the voice she had was more than good. When you like someone it clearly shows on your face. In very little time my big brother was able to tell that I liked her. A scared kid in me refused craftily. One lie and it is dead. That marked the beginning of me hiding all girly matters from my family. My school’s crush and I had very little interaction because most of the times I would spend in adoring her beauty and then return home for my neighborhood crush. Gudia and I used to play a lot, in fact a lot of those kid family games. And obviously I used to be the husband and she used to be my wife. One day we even played a game in which she was getting raped by some street guys and I came to her rescue kicking the shit out of those bastards. Slowly my school crush faded and my neighborhood crush got stronger. And those days of holi were totally awesome, wetting each other with those colors simply awesome. We shared a lot of things, my hard core vegetarian family meant that I could never test meat and chicken, As we grew up, we became distant, the fact that I was scared to tell her the truth, first reason I was a year younger to her, secondly I was scared of his dad. She was in a different school and with the kind of looks she had I was sure many guys were hitting on her. I knew I was going to lose her, but she was surely always on my mind. Years passed and we talked less and less, her dad met a serious accident and lost his leg, I was more than sad for the pain she was in, but I didn’t say anything, thanks to my stupid head.

Along side my school crush changed, my first crush wasn’t attractive anymore. One reason was that she grew taller than me, secondly I developed a liking for voluptuous girls, and she got too skinny.

Next girl was in class eighth and she was pretty hot, perhaps because she reached puberty before her girl friends. Reminds me of south park episode titled “Beebe’s boobs ruined society” in which a little school going girl develops boobs firstly in the class and the naughty preying eyes of little kids scrutinize her like anything. So she was the Beebe of our class. I used to talk a lot with her, and used to tease her a lot. Our talks were mostly related to her likes and her dislikes with me just arguing why this and why not this. And I am bad at convincing unless the person himself realizes what I am trying to say is actually correct. We were good friends. And one day another guy proposed her and man that was the end of everything for me. She broke up crying created a lot of havoc in the class, teachers got involved and the story went to the ears of guys parents. I wasn’t a brave kid to take a risk of proposing her after all this. She kind of revealed a strange repulsion she had buried for guys deep inside her and I didn’t want to stir it again and face another calamity. Then as it happens in movies my dad moved to Chandigarh and the last good byes for not even recalled ever after.

Holy Messenger Beauty!

2005-05-16T23:11:00.000-07:00

When the shadows of lampposts seem like unapparent ghosts, I walk along with the dogs of night, listening to music of their prosaic growling. One moment a gaze to the night sky, shows me the light of moon, the brightest and the prettiest in the sky. The very next moment a Cumulus nimbus blankets the holiness of the pretty sight. Left up is a murky view of the brightest and the prettiest. Cool breeze hits my face but the impact doesn’t hurt at all! I leant my head backwards while being seated at the tennis court stands. I couldn’t help but think. Till the time a lady in blue startled me with her slender curvy pulchritude. Holding the lamp post, as if she was talking to the shadow ghost. I couldn’t make much out of it, distance being the cause of my privation. But the urge was so strong which I couldn’t hold. All I could do was to get up and walk up to her to share a talk or so. One step forward and the view became a bit clearer. She let her long black hair free so that they could flow with the breeze, as if she wanted the souls flying around to play with them. Do justice to their splendid ness. Her blue dress was glued to her body revealing every detail of her curvaceous anatomy. I slowly move towards her, a fear in me restrains my free movement. She gently moves her left hand to her face, as if she got something in her eye I wish she called me for help, but I wasn’t lucky enough she got it cleared on her own self. I still couldn’t see her face clearly. But whatever I could see was simply awesome. I quickened my step, the desperation to see her face made me move faster. She wasn’t at all scared to see me move towards her as if she was waiting for just me. “Hi this is Abhinav! What’s your name?” a silence that lasted around 30 seconds made my heart palpitate faster with fear. She had angelic looks as if she directly landed here from heaven. A perfect 10 for her. But I couldn’t resist, I gathered courage and again asked, “Does she need any help?” she just looked at me with her radiant eyes that pierced through my body making every cell pump faster to help me breath. She took me to a high. From the gloomy situation of the evening it changed exponentially. Seemed as if she was lost and perhaps she didn’t understand what I said. She moved her right hand a bit forward as if she was offering me something. I was scared but had no choice in front of her beauty I was weak like a twig, all I could do was to get down on to my knees and obey her commands. I held her hand, soft as much as you can’t expect, cannot be put into words. I opened her fist. There was a note reading, “Life is about phases, at times high at others low. You see something pleasing, pleasurable or pretty you get high, you lose it you get back into your shell. The world is temporal, nothing lasts”. As I read the last line I looked at her and I saw a smile on her face. She kissed me on my cheek and walked away. I was marooned, but I knew I shall not run after her as she won’t stop, she won’t last. She left with an ever magnanimous smile on her face!

I understood the message but the cribbing was still there, she left! And yes she was right I went to my shell after that complaining why she left! But that’s my nature, and a faulty one. I shall improve and so should you ;)

PS:- Itz a last nite dream!

Am I Existentialist???

2005-04-21T01:30:00.000-07:00

Everybody knows that life never moves at the same pace. There are highs and lows with respect to emotions, financial conditions, career success, etc. There are times when you have strong drives. You have strong emotions for something. A passion for something, when you can totally die for it. e.g. the passion for glory. An individual is so concerned to achieve that state, where everyone respects him, knows him for something he has achieved and that can be absolutely anything, glory of sports, glory of innovation…

With most of the people it’s a phase. A phase means it is bounded by time, something that lacks the property of permanence. But the time period of this phase varies from person to person. For some it may last the whole of there life span, for others it can be as short as that it lasts only first try. The definition fails for those for whom the phase lasts the whole of their life, no phase it is permanent for them. But for those of us who tend to lose interest in every second thing try, it is merely a temporal phase.

Twenty one years of age, and I have had drives for absolutely everything. But then I lose it. Lose it, because may be it is not for me. My life is not made for it. Try something different. Some phases last months, some last days and some can be as short as minutes, which get over after having some conflict with own mind and soul.

Maximum I remember is the phase of my interest in physics, which lasted around four years. The day I felt like being an astronaut. I was out to make things that ways. I was reading absolutely anything I got on astronomy. I made telescope, though later I used it to peep into a nearby girls lodging… :P…I made calculations to evaluate the speed one needs to reach the nearest star, the fuel we would need, I had a scarp book kind of thing in which I had all the info of stupid things I did. But it ended with my entering into the stupid field of biotechnology at IIT. But no more remorse, and that for a strange reason.

I recently discovered that I am very close to something called Existentialist. I am someone to who things don’t matter much. It doesn’t matter if I win or lose. It doesn’t matter I get something or not. It doesn’t matter if people are angry or happy. It doesn’t matter if no one is listening. It doesn’t matter if you are alone because you have your own self with you. It doesn’t matter if someone loves you or not till the time you love your own self. If something is positive it is good, if something is not it should not have been like that, that’s it not much to crib about it. No more lounging for the things that I can’t find after a certain degree of effort. As may be god has something better for me and even if he doesn’t have it is still fine. I am not being pessimistic, I am just being satisfied. I am satisfied with what follows. I am satisfied with what is destined. It is not that I have lost the will but I have gained a new approach of satisfaction in case of failure. I am happy when I succeed but I am not depressed when I fail.

It is not exactly being existentialist but quite close to that. And in fact it is close to what is written in Bhagvad Gita which conveys, “One should not worry about the result but nevertheless act”.

Yesterday is Gone! Live Today! Dont Die Tomorrow

2005-04-18T07:07:00.000-07:00

What's done is done…time gone is gone…it's true when they say that time passed by never turns back to you again…have you ever wondered that there are so many places you have visited, so many people you saw almost daily, you might never see them again in your life? Life
seems to be paving a way of it's own and moving on, with you not being a participant of it as such, the individual seems to be lost in the bigger picture.

Have you ever noticed that we spend a substantial chunk of our time dreaming up goals and situations we desperately hope and wish to be in?…do you sometimes wish that time would just pass by quickly and you can be where you hope to be, I know I do! but have you ever
realized that while doing so, you are actually losing the moment you are living in? living each moment to the fullest….isn't that what life is all about? Tomorrow is going to come as it is…prolonging thinking about it isn't going to make it come any sooner! everything comes within it's own time and it is in turn reflected upon by our yesterday, and if our yesterday was a wasted day, then…you know what I mean…The point I'm trying to make here is, that at this minute, this instant it doesn't matter where you will be tomorrow, what matters is how is your today and how was your yesterday. The important thing is to be satisfied with your today and yesterday. Was your yesterday spent happy and satisfied?…Did you brighten up someone's day and hadn't that made you smile?

The strategy I'm trying to develop here is that, though you have no control of what's meant to be in tomorrow, if your today was good, there is a definite possibility of tomorrow being the same or even better! Alright you might argue that tomorrow we might be in hardship…see that's when yesterday being good comes in to play…that way you have sweet memories to ponder over! A hard day going softer by that sweet smile on your face!

The ultimate point I'm trying to make here is reaching and feeling the kind of day when you feel like you're on top of the world! You're a queen and everybody else is your subject! The most peaceful and tranquil state of mind a man can be in… you're wrapped up in your own cocoon and though you own the world, you're most distant from it, happy and self content!

To be a little more specific about the perfect day I'm talking about, let me quote Nancy Thayer:
"Some days, are more important than others. Some days you wake with your heart pounding and your hopes higher than the sky. Some days you know you are exactly where you are meant to be."- Nancy ThayerAnd that's the most beautiful day I'm sure anyone can witness!!

PS: This is a sophomoric effort by a frnd of mine. NOT MINE. Her name is Sana. All comments if any shld b directed to her.

U Reap Wat u Sow

2005-04-10T09:15:00.000-07:00

Times when you lose a friend without a reason
Times when everyone’s turned hostile
Times when no one’s listening while u r being loud n clear
Times when you r cheated while u were a sheep
Just keep the faith as god is there
Callin ur name n telling u
u reap wat u sow

Times when you fail to succeed despite a worthy effort
Times when you tend to hate everyone around
Times when you find no reasons for your misery
Times when all you can think of is suicide
Just keep the faith as god is there
Callin ur name n telling u
u reap wat u sow

Simple message: life is tough, we all need care, affection, support but at times we act in a fashion that hurts, something that isnt fair. Do justice to earn justice. Your past has an impact on your present. But your future is still in your present. Save it before it is too late.

Parental Advisory

2005-03-28T21:58:00.000-08:00

There are times when we tend to lose all the rationality we earned all our life. We behave erratically, without thinking about the consequences our actions have on our surroundings. Night before holi, just before the clock was about to hit twelve while I was soothing down in my bed a music apart from my creepy rock n roll hit my head. No it wasn’t music but a cry. Cry of a woman. Firstly I ignored it thinking it to be an un-illustrated illusion or many of the strange voices in my head. But the cry rose, with its shrilling tone it sent a current down my body. And then the cry of a child too. I was startled deep down wondering what it could be. I lowered the volume of the music system. I figured out, it was a woman, screaming at her husband. Possibly because he was beating her. She screamed continuously at even higher pitch than before. Her words were loud but unclear. it was a cry, cry against patriarchal cruelty, an injustice to which there was no respite. It was a cry against unhappy married life, the torment her so called husband had given her, the cry for not getting the dignity she deserved. Along with all this was a cry of an innocent soul. The child, what about him? What about the psychological impact this instance would cast on him, which probably he will never be able to forget. Imagine the site of your father dragging your mother out of your house and you just stand there watching and crying endlessly. Even the thought of that scares on to shit. Everyone’s parents fight because they are kind of inevitable but the effect on children is horrible. That child would always be scared of her mom and dad getting split. A child naturally wants harmony among her parents so that they can give him the love he deserves but if they have conflicts they unavoidably make the child a victim.
How about if we can just give it a thought this while or another that kids don’t deserve to see violence, it scares them to shit. And even if parents are having conflicts they shouldn’t lose their humanity. I know it is easier said than done. But we can obviously make an effort with the awareness of the evil effects it has on family life in general!

Selfless Love

2005-03-27T07:56:00.000-08:00

"When you love someone you should be unselfish enough to give them what they want", source forgotten.

Love of An Angel

2005-03-18T02:54:00.001-08:00

The love of an angel. Angels who don’t stay on earth. They visit only for short durations. Angels who are enticing but not lasting. I fell in love with an angel only to realize later that I was a mortal not meant for a heavenly being. It makes one a typical Romeo, saying things that sound so melodramatic to someone who cannot comprehend the state of love. It is like a pinnacle of yearning, longing for something far away. As I see my love, it lies somewhere in stars, beyond the realm of mundane objects. It wakes me up, two past twelve. I peep out of my rectangular window to gaze the sky. My eyes probe very little to catch the pride of sky. she shines brighter today, brighter than ever before. The glow on her face steers straight through my heart, a piece of flesh that palpitates only on a sight of her. With a sudden flash of supernovian beauty appears her an angel in human body. There is no convulsion of earth and heaven! My soul as pure as a child’s mind leaves my mundane body as it stars with stone eyes appreciating the pulchritude of the lady love. Soul convulsion and dancing to the symphony of love is sight I can never forget. Rising above the skies, it felt like touching the moon with my heart palpitating at a rate faster than ever before. Angelic glow is for ever. But sight of angelic glow is temporal. The kick of the angel took me to the seventh sky, but everything that goes up comes back to ground till the time you are an earthly being! With no reasons no restrains my soul is deserted. I fall, this time I fall, fall for an earthly law, fall with time never to rise again. I see myself lying under the window. The heart full of love stopped pulsating.

Last Day

2005-03-01T09:09:00.000-08:00

As if God had given me exactly one month of happy love life. My spree of romanticism ended as she left for her home. The farewell was melodramatic, somewhat similar to any retrograde Hindi movie that I would reject with a sense of relentless humor. The only way it differed was through the involvement of Hi-tech accessory of mass communication. She left as we shared last minutes on cell phones, till the time her battery got exhausted. And man, it was emotional. Sentiments rush was on a high.

Good byes are tougher for those who are left behind. Because the person left behind has lost something whereas there is a whole new world in front of the person leaving. In any case it is hard for both, only the levels differ. Her last words made me realize that I really meant something to her if not everything. She wanted more from life but at that moment her words made a cry that I was really precious for her, and if she wants someone to be seated besides her at that moment, it was me. Six twenty nine, last call from my cell, and she left.

I tried catching sleep; with restless turns finally I got out of my bed at 7:00. 8 o'clock class after 20 days, man I was screwed, attendance fucka on charts. Four hours of lectures and I returned back to my room. I moved to one of my friends room. When you miss something you look for alternates. No calls today, no morning teasing/applauding messages, just he and his selfish woman talk. I came back to my room and crashed into my bed. Two hours of moon dreaming, cant exactly recall what it was. I woke as in movies, I had a nightmare dream. I felt pukish. I wasn't sick, I double checked. "What the hell? What's wrong with me?" Pukish on losing something! "Where are those calls?" I said to myself. I went to the loo, washed my face and left for library. Tried concentrating on studies, with my exams just four days ahead. Meanwhile I talked to her cousin. My opening sentence was an apology for the call being completely selfish. Well I was missing her like hell, and I wanted some support and I had no one. I wanted someone who could make me stronger, sad but true, I found no support. No evening talks, no sweet voice, no flattery, no 'gussa hona', no business like messages reading "come online", no missed calls, no late night chit chats, man I missed everything like a person blindly in love. First day was real hard, I wondered how would I survive but time is huge force. I took out my sweat shirt which had her fragrance and smelled it. Thought, she is beautiful and I miss her. I wrote her a mail to let her know how much I was missing her and how my first day without her had been.

I am not a Paulo Coelho fan but I really liked 'The Alchemist' and I would quote it directly from there, "When you strongly want something and make an effort for it the whole universe conspires for you to achieve that thing". I received a message that read, "hi. i m messaging from my brothers cell, come online".

Jan 31st, 05

Day 1, 2005

2005-02-21T02:02:00.000-08:00

The year two thousand and five began with half a dozen quick shots of bizarre Russian vodka, followed by twenty minutes of neck wrecking head banging to deafening noisy music, burning neighbour’s door plate, accompanied by guttural abusing that made no sense. Eventually I land up in toilet unconscious in the puddle of puke. I woke up probably shivering due to cold. I shakily moved to my room where the floor was full of chips & broken glass pecks. Somehow I found the switch and turned the lights of off. I crashed into the bed with music still on. I had just caught a couple of hour’s hard found sleep that I am woken by a friend. We planned to go to AIIMS for paranthas. Half an hour of struggle finally resulted in inedible paranthas. Satisfying our hunger with our effort we returned and had coffee at our favorite hangout, Nescafe. I cleaned my room, washed it in fact, which is a rare effort and crashed into bed again.

Things change with time and something’s change in a way that is very much desired. While I was fast asleep the woman of my dreams for whom I yearned so much that in the end I had to convince myself that she is out of my reach, rings up. Her name is beautiful, first thought. Why is she calling? Following thought. Your mind unconsciously generates stupid questions and at times answers that are not stupid. May be to wish, ‘happy new year’. “Hii”, her voice is sweet. “Hi! Happy new year”. Hey thanks and same to you…So wassup. Some unwanted stuff always follows as fillers. “I am coming to IIT”. “To IIT... okay kewl. Come! How much time will you take?” “About half an hour” I quickly refreshed my self and got ready. Do I need to do a little better to my dress? I convinced myself it’s not a woman coming to marry you. Be Normal! Be what you are! I hate to wait and she didn’t make me do so. I went down to the hostel entrance on receiving her call.

Two gorgeous young ladies waiting in a car, smiling with a stint of mischief in it. As if they are ridiculing. “Hi”, my usual monotonous woman hi. There is different ‘Hi’ I have for men, which is generally accompanied by a sarcastic remark or a jolting hug. But with woman it is different. You pretend to be a man not a kid. But I certainly wasn’t able to cast any such impression. Instead I was looking like a clumsy kid, who was running of short of words. Men are different in front of woman. So am I. I tried my best to be a gentleman, which I am not. First sight of hers, she looked prettier than before. I was finding it hard to make direct eye contact with her; instead I was again and again looking towards cousin. It is said you can’t look into eyes when you are hiding something. Yes I was hiding something. I was hiding my love for her. Given a chance I would have made the whole world listen to it. But no, that wasn’t the scene. My love was going to get married to someone else.

I took them to Nescafe. And man like every one else they appreciated it. High heels, slow walk and time after time her hair…isn’t that annoying? Perhaps not when you are in love.
We took the corner table. Conversation went on for around an hour and a half. We talked about New Years Eve, about our drinking capacities blah blah… occasionally I looked her into eyes and at times I found her do the same. She could easily see love in my eyes. But I wasn’t sure of her eyes. I am dumb at expression reading, unless it is a cow made of your face.

My friend called up. He wanted me to accompany him to brunch. I recalled I promised him in the morning. I had to leave. I am a man of my words. Whatever happens, I lay my words above ethics, morality…I guess god also. And my love was not sure enough to break my words. I left the women, a little unsatisfied as if they wanted me to stay but I could not.

Respect Quality

2005-02-16T04:09:00.000-08:00

"Your love is precious, dont give it to someone who doesnt deserve it". Abhinav Swara

Power of love

2005-02-13T22:43:00.000-08:00

"Love is a power that makes you vulnerable to your love. Your love is your master. You follow his/her commands without thinking without caring for the outcome. When you are in such a state you are in true love". Abhinav Swara

Logical Regeneration Of Faith

2005-01-21T22:04:00.000-08:00

There are times in my life I feel so empty, so meaningless, so stupid that I wonder if it is all vain. I feel I have no strength. I look at the mirror and see the formation of an image about to break, about to vanish. I feel so trivial. I see no skills. No aim. I find myself wandering aimlessly in this world. I find myself building fragile dreams that are always broken by you. I find myself working every bit to save a fruitless image. I find myself struggling to save my identity. Struggling for something I am myself not sure of. What am I existing for? Surely not to pander to sophomoric desires. Desires for which I fight like hell, later only to realize the height of stupidity they hid under their enticing faces. Everything boils down to god. If you were god my question to you would be why am I here? If I get the answer to this question I need no science, I need no education to live a blissful life which for that matter is a fake illusion. Probably God put us into this place without giving us the real strength to know the purpose of life. And here we are today wandering aimlessly being unsure of every next bit. What should I do? Where should I go? and all this Why??? keeps me troubling all the time. Is love the ultimate aim? Is it money? Or success? Or it is knowing God?

Lets analize it. If we talk of the things for which we already have standard protocols, then they are achievable. We have people who have done it and we will have people who will do it. Like for example love. You give love you get love is something that is a universal protocol for achieving love. You work hard given sufficent opportunities and luck so earn success or earn money. But what in case of God?

Its different...lack of existence of a standard protocol, a visible and apprehendable one may not be a mere coincidence. Something that should exist but no one knows! No one has seen. it is different. Now the whole point is that if you are unsatisfied, vainful human being and you feel similar to what i feel, then you must learn to trust your gut. I have! My gut says, "Dude you lose interest in every other thing you try, but you never lose your faith in God. Sometimes you might say I have no faith but you always find yourself reverting back to him. For the rest you are sure but for God you are not! That makes him different! Something unique in which you never lose interest. Something thats like a last resort for you. God is there. Path to God is unknown. Some say it is meditation or some spiritual crap. It could very well be that but i dont know. They dont have any proof. You should follow a path of faith and gratification to his holyness. He will take you along."

Weak Like A Twig

2005-01-06T23:37:00.000-08:00

Feeling of possession! It makes one weak. Weak to an extent that you fall so hard that you are unable to get up. You lose something and you are like a dead man. Some go into a gloomy state and turn to a rock others become paranoiac that makes them violent. I always thought I was strong, I recovered easily from shocks. But last night I came to know the reality. I am weak! Weak as a twig. Which can be broken by a ever little stress that it has not witnessed before. Something happened to me. I was feeling restless. Reason was in front of me but I was unaware, unable to identify it. Something like this happened, I wasn’t being treated well by someone I wanted to. And that someone was somebody I really cared for. I wanted the treatment of being special. Its like saying even if you are not special still you want special treatment. It is like having some desire that is over demanding. It is like having expectations for no good reason. I guess we have an inborn desire to be liked by someone we like. Perfectly human it is but how far is it justified. Human desires are irrational at times and they need a check. I guess all us love to be loved. This feeling is a desire that makes us weak. We are they happiest and feel like on the top of the world when above is fulfilled. But at times we don’t get the kind of behavior that we anticipate and we find ourselves fucked up! It is a desire that causes pain for no reason of good.
But the irony goes like this, even after realizing it I am still an ass to behave in the undesired way, the way that causes pain, the way that makes me weak!

Please discourage corruption

2004-12-18T03:35:00.000-08:00

I was a proud Indian. Even after knowing all about the high profile black market and corrupt government personnel. I was proud for the citizens of India. I was proud for the kind & helping nature bestowed to Indians. I thought they were hard working and ate through what they deserved for their efforts. And above all was my respect for the custodians of public, the “Police- Taking Care of People”.
I had heard a lot about the corruption in police department but had never witnessed with my own eyes; probably the reason why I never contemplated over it. All my thanks to God, for giving my enough strength: of not tolerating injustice with my own self. All this happened when I was driving a vehicle. On my way back to home I encountered a green turned orange light on a crossing. I was stopped by a running traffic cop who whistled at me. At first I wondered why he stopped me then I realized that the surd gentleman might be asking for a lift. Being a regular hitchhiker I seldom turn down such requests unless it is night and the person asking for a lift is a woman!
As I waited for the policeman to board I saw a couple of vehicles jumping the red light and going completely un-noticed by a bunch of chitchatting policemen. To my surprise, instead of boarding the policeman asked me for my driving license. Shocked, I asked him the reason and his rude reply shocked me even more. I was blamed for jumping the red- light. I protested a bit, and then the policeman asked me for vehicle papers. A showed him to his utter satisfaction but he took my vehicle’ RC. I protested to an officer who to me looked a little more sensible (I have no regret using this word) at first sight, but all in vain. He called me dumb and uneducated, who doesn’t have any traffic sense.
I could sense what he wanted from me. For a moment I thought I should give him fifty bucks and get away. But this is what all of us have been doing all this time. We encouraged them to trap the innocent buds, today that’s me tomorrow who knows it could be you. And may be at that time their pecuniary mouths would be too large for us to fill and the malice being intolerable.
We want to avoid going to court so we bribe them, a short cut for the fine we eventually have to bear. But the consequence of this is creation of another earning opportunity. Seeing such an easy though illicit perquisite these policemen have now started pillaging the innocence.
I stopped there and I didn’t bribe him. I took my challan receipt and saw the frustrating look on his face. I had definitely annoyed him. Realizing this I couldn’t avoid passing a smile on this. It was a success disguised in failure. I had stopped one crime by apparently and innocently committing another crime. But ironically this game was not the only venue he had. In no time he engaged another biker and to my disgust that guy gave him some 100 bucks and got away. I couldn’t protest at that moment because I knew it would have gone in vain.
This is the stature of Indian “Police – Taking care of Public”. I love India and I cannot see it in a state that can be rightly described as a “Prelude to doom”. If we don’t put an end to this today we might find it hard to recover.
Above is just one citation of police corruption. India is full of government run departments and they are all corrupt like hell. Corruption is rude, remove it. Fore mostly discourage it. We ourselves have double standards we will speak out of sky against corruption but we don’t mind giving a little bit of bribe here and there to ease out ways.

But the whole point is discouraging it.

Cupid Shot

2004-12-16T09:31:00.000-08:00

Talking to you gives me Butterflies
Walking with you acts like a launch pad to sky
Your Sweet Smile SHoot De angels

Somtimes i think god made u just to kill
U r de throb of heartslike a bob of a watch
Loving you is a sweet crime
But too much of sweet makes u a love beef
LIke a love buff aimed by a cupid
You made my life so vivid

A love Fool(incomplete)