Monday, August 07, 2006

Living somebody else's life

Lament first…some things are just not meant to happen and when you run after them they run farther away making you believe more strongly in the existence of a mysterious celestial force conspiring against your what you want. For instance I had been trying to put down something on my blogspace for last one month without any success. Today while I started scribbling down (I regret the usage of this word here, analogous for typing, without much help) the power went off, and sadly my UPS no longer offers surviving potential. Anyways thankfully I got another chance to scribble (Repeating mistakes is not my habit) down and yes hopefully by the end of this article I might also feel good for materializing this chance well.

Well the article is about the work. Long time back when I was in college (2 months back) people around, used to say a lot about the difficulty of the nearing professional life. Though I was not oblivious to what they used to say but I never thought it would that different. Surely every one misses the spirit of freedom one has a student but then there are a few unprecedented detestable things associated with the professional life, and they are the responsibilities which follow.

It would stupid of me to say that I cannot take responsibilities lest of some fear. I am not talking about the responsibility of work, neither am I talking about the responsibility of finances, but something else. Now, I tried to figure out what this is without much success. Though I have a slight idea of what they are. At least I know the instances of these unjustified responsibilities. I find myself getting trapped into all this, all the time being unaware of what is happening, then one day I realize that what is happening is not what I want but something that is a result of my current state of life. I will tell you the difference, there were so many times when I was in college I could say no to people because I didn’t want to do what they asked me to but now I find exceedingly difficult to do so. It happens in both professional as well as personal situations and believe me had it been only for the professional bit things would have been tolerable but personal issues just freak you bad.

Either I will become bad in their eyes, or I will feel bad for doing what they want me to. This situation is really terrible, it is just like bottling the steam one day it will break bottle with burst and things will take a bad shape. I wonder if I can afford to be a SAY NO kind of a person again or if I will have to compromise for the rest of my life. The thought makes me quiver.

Another change is happening in my head, I am unable to think free, my thinking cords are sagging, bearing the load of other-hood. Killing this other-hood is what I need to figure out how. I guess I need solitude to figure that out.