Tuesday, May 31, 2005

My Last Summer

I got up in the morning on the wrong side of the bed. I slept again as I had nothing to do. A summer morning, my head was damp with sweat. The fan in my room is not good enough to cool. Only cooling effect came from the sweat that dripped from my head onto the pillow. I slept bare naked last night to protect my satin sheet. Thanks to the heat at least it killed all the mosquitoes. And thanks to god, I never forget, at least I am still alive. I finally got up at 10:30 when I could not sleep any more. Life is injustice I can sleep for 20 hrs when it is exam time but not more than 12 hrs when I am free. I turned on the idiot PC; it logged me on to various messengers. I browsed through the offliners, none of them made any sense. Next thing it boots is the song player; turned on the loud crap I was listening to last night. It makes no difference now, I am already deaf. I check my mails, again nothing useful. I went through my ablutions monotonously without an interest. I wasn’t especially hungry but I wanted to eat for the ritual. I took my bag, put some books into it none of which interest me. I reached Barista my only hope of a nice place. ‘Breakfast at Barista’s’, one month it would have been a gay thought today it is my last hope. My thoughts: I sit alone at the corner table for some reason it is my favorite spot. I look at the cosmopolitan people around me they sound strangely strange. This guy pretty well dressed like an official is doing some work on his laptop or a funny thought he might be watching porn. What is he doing here at 12 if he is an official? Does it matter to me...huh! And this fat lady sitting right besides me seems so badly engrossed in her paper work that she didn’t even once sip the coffee she ordered. May be she likes it cold, but then why she ordered a hot cup? I have a curiosity problem; at times I will do anything to quench this strange desire. I peep into her papers while she looked outside; and damn it man she is doing some 10th class mathematics, perhaps she is a school teacher. I thought her to be a business analyst; make it a rule dude looks can’t talk about your profession. I don’t like this place, it seems so plastic. People seem so manipulative here. One o clock I move to the library, its better than my room but again I don’t like books either. I leave by 1:30. It is very hot, scorching summer sun, will it ever pity the poor. Again the idiot computer and a little bit of same old orkuting. I catch sleep after that. I get up at around 2:30. I wish it was evening but I wasn’t lucky enough. It feels like I am living just to live, I don’t know the art of life. It feels like it has been ages I even heard my own voice. I miss my friends and it is really ugly to live without people who care for you. It is really ugly to live without people who make you feel special. You talk to someone only when they give you a sense of security. I miss the love and affection. Its value is not realized when you have it but when it is gone. I see familiar faces but I cannot talk to them, they always existed there but I never bothered to talk, and they were never interesting and they will never be. It is 11 at night and the only words I spoke today were when I placed an order for breakfast. Funny it is to live like this, funny is a wrong word; it is painful to live like this. Hope tomorrow is not the same. Hope I get to hear my own voice a little more in the days to come.

Saturday, May 28, 2005


It is preposterous, how my mind works. One moment it can analyze things with an awesome rational knack, the next moment I lose it all. My head loses the battle it fights against the heart, the creepy entity that imparts emotions. It transports blood into my 'nerve of emotions', good and bad. And yes it always beats my mind, the rational entity. Like the war between evil and good, the evil (the emotional entity) almost always wins. I tend to react like a baby; a good willed adult who understands that the feelings of jealousy, hatred, distrust... are evil loses his ability to rationalize his own behavior. There were pressure situations I handled without panic, when others failed but the emotional crisis makes me too vulnerable. I am bad, and the God shall punish me.

Confession to the victims of my irrationality. Sorry for all the pain. Forgive me, I am nothing but a human.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Crash Landing after an awesome Flight

Snort a pinch and your eye ball zooms and your vision goes hazy, you soar into your subconscious dreams seeing things funny, horrible, vulgar, gory. Your imagination takes a leap into ‘You in wonderland’. You feel thirsty to the extent that cannot be quenched by any amount of cold water. An intelligent being of you turns into a shitake mushroom, who gazes around like a mentally retarded person. You burst into laughter for no reason of good, an unstoppable activity for you till the time your tummy aches and you are lying on floor beating it. The very next moment you have an urge to hit, you are filled with tremendous psychological energy but you really don’t know how to focus it. This rush of blood can drag you into any antisocial activity, you can kill, rape, stab, jump out of a window for no reasons. That’s Cocaine!

Rolling spliffs, it is really a time consuming job, me not being an expert. But I had to rush, my friend called me a little while ago and told that another friend of his who has to leave soon wants to try the marijuana hit. I finished the job rolling six joints and went down. He was waiting in his car, thought, three of us and six joints, two each, cool! Hey hi! Introductions and we are on the move. The stuff was really good that time; I was expecting a good hit! We moved to the nearby hangout bought a cold menu drink (formality sake) and lit the first joint. There are etiquettes for smoking, three puffs and pass on to the next. But with joints it is different; one roll lasts longer than an average cigarette. Around two and half times longer, moreover the hit is even higher. First joint done, second done, third done, fourth done and our lips were dry like the sand of Sahara. I tried plumbing the level of hit they had underwent but my gauging power was badly hit too. My throat was burning. I got up and gulped three glasses of water. As the host it was my responsibility to ask for another one, so did I? But they were sloshed. I grinned, as if I had accomplished the task of making them feel the punch. Sorry, it was too good. The stuff was awesome this time. When I wasn’t noticing, in my state of so thought of as eternal bliss, they drank water like mad cows. We moved out of that place, climbing the stairs when every step seemed like lifting a hundred pound stone. Everything was slow, as if it was multiplied by 0.2 so that it moves slowly, whether it is our mind or our motion. We dragged ourselves to car, with no one knowing anything about other, we sat on our usual fixed locations but the car didn’t move. We waited but it didn’t move. We still waited but it didn’t move. I turned my head and saw there was no one to drive it. The driver was missing! I slowly gazed around, and holy shit he was puking in the corner. He didn’t stop for at least half an hour, after that he was too weak to move, we took him to the hospital, I knew there was hell lot of chance that the thing could to our parents but I had no choice my friends life was in danger, and we were scared to shit. He got two bottles of glucose drip. Somehow we were able to fake out that day, and we not caught, we fooled them saying it is a case of food poising, and not dope poising. The main reason he puked was that he took too much of water after the joints, and he was keeping all the smoke inside his tummy and not letting it out for a higher hit.

I learned a lesson that day drugs are futile. They make you sick and nothing else. Moving into such a state is really not a good experience where you lose your senses.

We had already smoked Mary Jane for around 15 days without any mishaps but with that we ended our resolution to dope. No more to drugs!

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Romanticists: Part III

Life is a teacher. But when it teaches you by force a true Sagittarian never learns. It was a stubborn kind of attitude. I would say to life, what you think you can scare me with this, seriously you can’t. I will again fall in love and will beat you bitch!

Now coming to my last crush. I can recall maximum of it because it was the most recent one and probably most intimate one too. We met in a really lucky fashion. 5 months after we came to know each other we never talked. I had no first sight crush on her, because we never met. Neither had I ever thought of getting together. Then one day she called up. A very sweet and low pitch voice. The second time she called she said lets meet up. I was surprised at the interest she was showing, but at times my words become my miseries, to keep one person happy I had to break another heart. I couldn’t meet her that day. And man she felt bad, as if I took her for granted which was not at all my intention. Any ways she cooled down after a while and then finally we met. I was dead on the first meeting itself. She had a glow on her face the glow of Oracle; I was totally stunned at her beauty. She had the elegance an order higher than an average girl. She sounded intelligent, a rare attribute for women. I could hardly talk because I didn’t really expect her to be that pretty. Long black hair totally awesome and very sweet smile. Her eyes, an illustration for the song 'sexy eyes'. She flaunted an attitude for which I fell flat.

I came back; those days were too busy for me to think of anything, I was too occupied with work, too much pressure on my little shoulders. I invited her to a function, she didn’t come. I felt bad. I am not used to hearing no, till the time I find a rational justification. Soon I was free from work, now I had ample time to drive the bike of my brain on to her track. Soon I realized that I was falling in love with her. There was I danger she made it clear that she doesn’t want any affair any more. She would say no if I approached her. I knew that. But this heart is a mad horse; it will run and jump into a cliff. I proposed her, stupid me, my fear was true, she refused. But I knew I can’t kill my love for her whether she refuses or not. I am completely a fan of moon, may be because it’s very beautiful or may be because my name means moon too. I compared her beauty to the beauty of moon. Yes she is that pretty. I would simply spend hours thinking about her beauty, and doing nothing. For a person like me who likes to be busy it is tough without a solid reason, which was she. After that we became very close friends, we shared a lot of things, we used to talk almost all the free time we had. My monthly phone bill became three times, but love makes you mad and it is really beautiful. It’s an awesome feeling to be loved by someone. We had a very sweet relationship; today I am unable to put it into words. And perhaps she is the only woman in my life I have got so close to, she absolutely knows me inside out, not even my mother. All I can say is that It was really the sweetest of all relationships I ever had. I won’t exactly call her my girl friend but she was something more than that, really close to heart, a lot cherished…

Romanticists: Part II

Class 9th new school, new city, new friends and new girls. There were loads n loads of those in a city like Chandigarh. Perhaps I am a person who falls at the first sight. First day when I went to see the result for my admission I had cracked the exam, but while I was gazing at the list, I was suddenly hit by a floral tide of some perfume. I moved my head slightly to the left to see a radiant face. A girl short curly hair, very cute face, sexy eyes ocean deep and slim sleek figure! Oops was my reaction. But I had to take my eyes of quickly as I was with my dad. I am a really puppy baccha at home, no girls, no smoking, no boozeJ. She was awesome; I came home praying that she be in my section. But my prayers were not answeredL. She went to a different section and wonder what my school had enough hot chicks but I liked only her, just she. I told my close friends about her and they gave me awful feedbacks about her character, but no I liked her no matter what she was, not to mention she had a very sexy voice too. Our interaction was totally one sided, I would always stare, she won’t ever notice, follow her when she would leave for home, I would travel three miles extra just for her every day in the scorching sun. I dropped Hindi and took Punjabi in class 9th, major reason she was there, so that at least we would have one common period. Two years no talks, now was the time to depart still nothing, she won the title for miss sixteen, I told my friends she deserved it, they never trusted me before that but that day they were amazed at my eye. But she would be gone, and yes farewell party was the last day I saw her. So this crush of mine went without a single word exchange. Now she is perhaps settled into modeling somewhere in Canada.

One Good thing about having a single crush is that every night you think of that person only so you can avoid getting confused which one to think of before sleeping.

Class 11th & 12th I had this confusion, bad years no serious crush, many mini crushes.

Then I entered college, first year whiz passed me. I was too busy enjoying the freedom one has in college that I never got sentimental for anyone. I always thought there should be a girl but fun time in hostel; playing pranks, studying very little and then getting crazed about the grades and partying around overshadowed the need. Towards the end of the third year, I got really psyched for the lack of woman in my life. I wanted a girl’s love, but IIT the place where you spend 90% of your time provided very narrow opportunity. Strictly speaking I had no crushes in IIT. I liked a few girls and did appreciate there beauties, believe me there are few of those drop dead gorgeous in IIT’s too. But the sex ratio is terribly screwed. And there is a rush, guys drooling around whatever they find. My curiosity and emptiness bumped into this woman, she had average looks but was fairly nice by nature. Most of the time we spent together talking about technical things, studying together, making crappy assignments on time with a little bit of yummy yummy stuff and yes with that I grew up a bit. Now I was in that elite group in which most of the men want to get before graduation though it’s not a part of curriculum. Then she made me her pony, do this for me, do that for me! Being generous I know how much I can do for people without getting anything in return but she exceeded limits. And finally the thing I hate the most she tried to control my life, she cramped my freedom. And we broke!

Romanticists: Part I

My first crush happened when I was in class first. In year 1989, we moved to the city of an engineering marvel, Nangal. My first day in school went awesomely. My seat was fixed with very pretty girl and was more than excited to go to the school thereafter. The level of excitement was so high that I went on to tell my mom all about this, though I later realized or in fact for the first time in my life I realized that girls were different and they were taken differently. The reaction of my mom to a guy friend and that to a girl friend differed radically. The next girl who touched my heart was my neighbor’s daughter. She was called Gudia! (Some of you might have good laugh at this one!) Somehow I really found her name very sweet and the voice she had was more than good. When you like someone it clearly shows on your face. In very little time my big brother was able to tell that I liked her. A scared kid in me refused craftily. One lie and it is dead. That marked the beginning of me hiding all girly matters from my family. My school’s crush and I had very little interaction because most of the times I would spend in adoring her beauty and then return home for my neighborhood crush. Gudia and I used to play a lot, in fact a lot of those kid family games. And obviously I used to be the husband and she used to be my wife. One day we even played a game in which she was getting raped by some street guys and I came to her rescue kicking the shit out of those bastards. Slowly my school crush faded and my neighborhood crush got stronger. And those days of holi were totally awesome, wetting each other with those colors simply awesome. We shared a lot of things, my hard core vegetarian family meant that I could never test meat and chicken, As we grew up, we became distant, the fact that I was scared to tell her the truth, first reason I was a year younger to her, secondly I was scared of his dad. She was in a different school and with the kind of looks she had I was sure many guys were hitting on her. I knew I was going to lose her, but she was surely always on my mind. Years passed and we talked less and less, her dad met a serious accident and lost his leg, I was more than sad for the pain she was in, but I didn’t say anything, thanks to my stupid head.

Along side my school crush changed, my first crush wasn’t attractive anymore. One reason was that she grew taller than me, secondly I developed a liking for voluptuous girls, and she got too skinny.

Next girl was in class eighth and she was pretty hot, perhaps because she reached puberty before her girl friends. Reminds me of south park episode titled “Beebe’s boobs ruined society” in which a little school going girl develops boobs firstly in the class and the naughty preying eyes of little kids scrutinize her like anything. So she was the Beebe of our class. I used to talk a lot with her, and used to tease her a lot. Our talks were mostly related to her likes and her dislikes with me just arguing why this and why not this. And I am bad at convincing unless the person himself realizes what I am trying to say is actually correct. We were good friends. And one day another guy proposed her and man that was the end of everything for me. She broke up crying created a lot of havoc in the class, teachers got involved and the story went to the ears of guys parents. I wasn’t a brave kid to take a risk of proposing her after all this. She kind of revealed a strange repulsion she had buried for guys deep inside her and I didn’t want to stir it again and face another calamity. Then as it happens in movies my dad moved to Chandigarh and the last good byes for not even recalled ever after.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Holy Messenger Beauty!

When the shadows of lampposts seem like unapparent ghosts, I walk along with the dogs of night, listening to music of their prosaic growling. One moment a gaze to the night sky, shows me the light of moon, the brightest and the prettiest in the sky. The very next moment a Cumulus nimbus blankets the holiness of the pretty sight. Left up is a murky view of the brightest and the prettiest. Cool breeze hits my face but the impact doesn’t hurt at all! I leant my head backwards while being seated at the tennis court stands. I couldn’t help but think. Till the time a lady in blue startled me with her slender curvy pulchritude. Holding the lamp post, as if she was talking to the shadow ghost. I couldn’t make much out of it, distance being the cause of my privation. But the urge was so strong which I couldn’t hold. All I could do was to get up and walk up to her to share a talk or so. One step forward and the view became a bit clearer. She let her long black hair free so that they could flow with the breeze, as if she wanted the souls flying around to play with them. Do justice to their splendid ness. Her blue dress was glued to her body revealing every detail of her curvaceous anatomy. I slowly move towards her, a fear in me restrains my free movement. She gently moves her left hand to her face, as if she got something in her eye I wish she called me for help, but I wasn’t lucky enough she got it cleared on her own self. I still couldn’t see her face clearly. But whatever I could see was simply awesome. I quickened my step, the desperation to see her face made me move faster. She wasn’t at all scared to see me move towards her as if she was waiting for just me. “Hi this is Abhinav! What’s your name?” a silence that lasted around 30 seconds made my heart palpitate faster with fear. She had angelic looks as if she directly landed here from heaven. A perfect 10 for her. But I couldn’t resist, I gathered courage and again asked, “Does she need any help?” she just looked at me with her radiant eyes that pierced through my body making every cell pump faster to help me breath. She took me to a high. From the gloomy situation of the evening it changed exponentially. Seemed as if she was lost and perhaps she didn’t understand what I said. She moved her right hand a bit forward as if she was offering me something. I was scared but had no choice in front of her beauty I was weak like a twig, all I could do was to get down on to my knees and obey her commands. I held her hand, soft as much as you can’t expect, cannot be put into words. I opened her fist. There was a note reading, “Life is about phases, at times high at others low. You see something pleasing, pleasurable or pretty you get high, you lose it you get back into your shell. The world is temporal, nothing lasts”. As I read the last line I looked at her and I saw a smile on her face. She kissed me on my cheek and walked away. I was marooned, but I knew I shall not run after her as she won’t stop, she won’t last. She left with an ever magnanimous smile on her face!

I understood the message but the cribbing was still there, she left! And yes she was right I went to my shell after that complaining why she left! But that’s my nature, and a faulty one. I shall improve and so should you ;)

PS:- Itz a last nite dream!