Tuesday, December 27, 2005

I for I

Followed by criticism for reasons which show others (actually a few others aggrouping me) incapability or rather I should say impatience to read my long posts that actually confuse rather than convey an idea, I have decided to keep this post short, as much as possible.

This is about being mean. Once I was talking to a friend and we were discussing or rather time passing by pondering over useless things, which ultimately generated a great school of thought, at least I consider it to be so. We all get selfish at times, when we favor our selves as against others. Now there is a definite difference between a selfish act and an act that favors you. But, if we think more deeply there is no difference.

What is it to be mean? What actions fall under selfish mottos? What qualifies self satisfaction criteria?

An extremist idea blew my head and I started to explain. Every action in this world is self motivated. Reminder, as promised, I will keep it short. Let’s see how. Primary actions consist of my daily affairs like eating, drinking, gossiping, bathing, brushing, shitting, wearing clothes etc. I do them for me no doubt. Secondary would be the things I do to achieve something like studying for exams, working for money etc… again selfish. Last category consists of acts of benevolence, gratitude, and compassion etc. I reckon they are self-serving. Consider this, you go and help out a needy poor woman, doesn’t that serve as a source of great self satisfaction. You feel proud about that act of goodwill and great satisfaction, don’t you?

Hence, I conclude (though without objectivity, which according to my recent belief has ceased to exist or rather I should say it never existed, thus actually ruling out its relevance and utility) that all our actions are self serving, meaning that all of us are mean.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Libation

In the deserts of ravenous desires, where the porcine pleasures lure you abode, I walked with the feet of an elephant. Random hysteria generated by the thirst of glittering gold caused a psychosomatic twinge in the body. Every yard moved, was scaled with a broken heart and a tiresome bod, still, the hopes were not let down. The complex mechanism of molecules generated some signals that created a craving for gold, as if a critical reaction for survival needed it as a catalyst. Across the mountains, is seen a valley with sunset alone, a place where even the dead angels fear to tread. In the depths of tragic old memories lied the tomb of treasure. The memories of those who once desired to reach the unreachable trench playfully enticed the soul. Reminiscent of the village times where the good old man talked about the anecdotes filled with fear and thrill. The place where no one ever reached, if someone did, he kind of hit the singularity of a black hole, so as never to return back to reality. As the black horse galloped through the desert, my heart much admired the courage of those who once hurled through the burning sands of the desert.

The golden glaciers, the much talked about, but no one knows what actually is inside? Some think there is a river of gold which flows inside the valley; there are others who think once you reach the real gold there will be aphrodisiacal angels greeting you carrying the ritual of libation and life thereafter would have every thing from beautiful women to gold. Some are more spiritual who think this is the way to god, crossing the valley takes you to heaven which is the place god lives and only a few lucky make it to that place, and for those who reach there, there is no return as it is heaven and who wants to come back to hell. But it is all a belief, no one actually knows what lies on the other side.

So much glory attached to this thing, that the stakes become too high. Success would simply change the time for you, so would failure. Repenting and discouraged one might digress. Life isn’t easy! It is test of how strong your character and commitment is. How long can you go with suffering without drifting away from the morals you once had and without losing the hopes of finding the gold. Compromising on character is no solution but a revelation of weakness of character. A Great man is one who has a strong commitment.

Some people tend to confuse process of learning with comprise. Our thinking is bound to change with experience. That is a part of learning. But, at the same time it should not go against the inner will we have.

Racing the horses through the mountainous stretch, heat tested the commitment time after time. Baked like a sandwich from the top it was nuclear powered sun and from the bottom it was the superheated sand. To add to pain was the dry and hot wind carrying grains which fired like bullets in the eyes. With miles to go and nothing to see, keeping the hopes high was more difficult than just walking. Thoughts of failure could just bury you in the sand; to just avoid them was the best strategy.

Thoughts of safely turning back often haunt your mind but once on the gate it is a different scenario. You feel one step closer to your target, so there is no turning back. Female clit is one way to enter her; the valley entrance seemed like a clit, and in each case you want to enter without any hesitance. The entrance is pretty enticing that you just cannot resist it. Though you get a felling of inexplicable fear but still once on the gates you just cannot resist entering. Once entered, the fate takes the control, if you took appropriate precautions, you might just come out safe without disturbing the nature else you might fuse some egg which can cause trouble in future. Inside the tomb we lost our way, we didn’t make a map to trace our way back, and we disturbed the demons, they were now secretly chasing us.

In panic we lost our goal, forget about the gold now we just wanted to survive. We were stranded like losers running around to find something to save us. Just then someone recalls that this is a test of our character and commitment, running away from it reveals our weakness and that’s how we fail. We must face it with courage, face your problems and they start disappearing. We all have weapons to fight them; the ultimate weapon is your character. Stronger the character, more lethal is the weapon.

Soon we fought and defeated them, the demons were gone and the white angels of hope appeared. The angel of conscientious thinking helped us with the path to gold. We say the brilliance; there was no libation, no women, no gold and no doors to heaven but a feeling of self satisfaction. A feeling of accomplishment and a happiness, that’s it.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Friends

The grass was greener
The light was brighter
When friends surrounded
The nights of wonder
Floydian: "High Hopes"

Friday, November 11, 2005

"Everything comes to those who can wait"

These are the words of a fifteenth century philosphor, I read them in a recent newspaper article.

We are born and we start yearning for things that glitter. It causes lots of unwanted pain, sleepless nights, random hystersis and certain wrong actions when we are no more able to bottle the steam due to high societal pressure and the inner glutton we have.

I am no different, and why should I be, being a human I have the same appetite for all that glitters. But unlike those lucky ones, who don't have to try too hard to achieve what they want, I am not blessed enough. Life has been a constant tussle between what I have desired and what I have got. Time after time god or whatever is the supreme power of universe has shown me that life is not easy for me. I ll digress a bit and pay homage to all those who are even less blessed than me, and there are billions of them. But this world is a selfish one, we live in a society that is majorly fed on capitalist ideology. So survival has to be fetched by being selfish, what I mean to say is that it is sought of justified in the culture we live in.

I get satisfaction in achieving things that others cannot. Precisily if I get something dearer, I am happy. But if I dont get it, I yearn for it, which causes pain and suffering and sometimes leads me to actions that I cannot justify in my wildest dreams.

Life is not a bed of roses, it shows both pricks and petals. Pricks infuriate you and then the evil inside prompts you to develop resistance to the prick or break it in retaliation. These pricks are like tests, they test you endurance. sometimes you tend to take an easy path skipping the pricks, but nevertheless the pricks have a vital role, they are tests. To pass a university exam you have to go through a number of tests, you dont have a choice to chose one or the other, in case you do you fail. Lesson here is that if you cannot skip any prick in path of your growth, since it is a vital test, if you do, you end up being a lesser being.

Well most of us are pretty happy being a lesser being, since we have little faith or little concern about what the lord wants from us. So, we dont want to compromise on the fun that those little action gives us. I have done that in past and I know I was wrong, I believe I could have gone beyond. I believe that god is Definate and god has a purpose for us. My conscience tells me what is right and wrong. I know the path of right is rocky and pricky but this is my test of endurance.

There has been instances in my life, when I chose the petals over the pricks, and I failed, being impatient. Knowing that you were wrong, and making up for it, takes the sin off. Wishfully, I will have the strength to face the metal in future and my faith will not shake.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Power of Our Love

"Love is an art of being sensitive ... Dont miss a single opportunity to be loving , and don't do anything that goes against love" OSHO

The sound of ur heartbeat
The depth of ur eyes
The warm touch of ur hand
mesures The power of luv!

The care in ur arms
The romance in ur voice
The comfort in ur words
measures the power of luv!

The tenderness in ur touch
The eternity in ur kiss
The support in ur nature
measures the power of luv!

Deeper than the deepest ocean
higher than the highest mountain
Broader than the milky way
shows the power of OUR luv!!

PS:- This was dedicated to me by a loving woman accentuating the Power of our relationship.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Red Fire Ball


I am the red fire ball as answer to the radical
I am the thirst unquenched for the enigma inspirited
I am the folly bound of the arduous mound
I am the primordial de-mystifier of the twisted genesis

Metamorphosis of Narcissus

Salvador Dali, one of the 20th Century Master Artists, is one of the founders of Surrealism. At that time, surrealism was a radically different approach to art, where the artist turned to his dreams and imagination, not the external world, as source material for artistic expression. Strongly influenced by the ideas of Sigmund Freud, Dali and others stunned the world with their strange and powerful symbolic images. Back in Paris after his great success in America Salvador Dali painted this picture. This is one of the most vivid works of Salvador Dali.
In Greek myth, Narcissus was a surpassingly beautiful young man who saw his reflection in a fountain and fell in love with it. According to one version, unable to fulfill his desires, he pined away; but in a more dramatic alternative he leaned forward to embrace the image, toppled into the water and drowned, Afterwards the gods transformed him into the water narcissus flower. Dali shows Narcissus sitting in a pool, gazing down, while not far away there is a decaying stone figure which corresponds closely to him but is perceived quite differently as a hand holding up a bulb or egg from which a narcissus is growing. In the background, a group of naked figures stand about attitudinizing, while a third narcissus like figure appears on the horizon.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Making World Gay for Gays

“My circle is artistic, philosophical and creative. My friends include the most popular artists, fashion designers, architects and writers of the city. Their brain is the vital attraction. And all of them are homosexuals”, proudly tells my pal who recently opened up to the society, realizing his true sexual preferences to be that of gay.

Queers, as they are called in a less dignified way, have not been accepted openly in the society. Implication of this is the formation of small alienated sects in the society. There are separate nights for homosexuals. Society itself creates rifts and when the rift is wide enough they crib about its existence. Why there is such a stigma attached to fags?

What makes us detest homosexuals and why we are unable to accept them as normal beings that have a different sexual orientation? Is that such a big deal? I guess it is! It is easy to say I will be perfectly normal, but difficult to implement. No matter how much conscious effort you make there will be stages when you tend to lower down the shutters and scream, “It is too much, you guys are so gay”. The mental blocks we have are too heavy to move I guess, but it is not totally a hopeless situation.

Last night I met two gay couples. I talked to one of them on phone before the meeting, he sounded perfectly normal like any straight guy. Before meeting them I had a strange kind of fear in myself, but I convinced myself that the best way get rid of this fear is to face whatever, it is. I met them in jovial spirits, and they also greeted me well. We went to the Nescafe picked up coffees of our strength and sat down to talk. A brief introduction, was followed by talks on what turns a gay on? This 50 year old guy, 6 ft and chubby, almost the age of my father, said that he has fetish for straight men. That was a blatant conjecture aimed at me that I was turning him on. A sense of discomfort engulfed my veins. After that he started hitting on me. I was like no ways can I let you cross your limits. And I could feel, what is it to be raped by eyes, something called ‘dormant rapes’.

I asked him one question, what do you think makes people detest gays? It is this attitude of theirs, that they start hitting on every second guy they see. I respect your sexual priority that doesn’t mean you start seducing every guy get attracted to. I met you people since I respect you guys, I respect the talent you have, the brains that you possess, do not demean them by some filthy action driven by sexual motives. Being gay is perfectly ok, but you have to keep your sexual life aloof from that of straight people. It is not that every second ass you see, you got to penetrate it.

One reason for this could be that gays are highly frustrated. This particular guy had all the success in his life, almost an empire built by him just by his creativity but he doesn’t have sexual satisfaction in his life. He is married to a woman, he has two kids almost my age, but his sexual life is not smug. He couldn’t open up before marriage; I don’t know how difficult it would have been for his wife, just because of the society we have. Proclaimed gays are few in number, since people fear from coming out, they fear rejection on part of society, parents and family.

It has to be joint effort, we have to be broad minded and we have to remove the mental blocks. And gays have also got to respect straight guy’s sexuality. Obviously if you go about touching a straight guy on his body he will surely feel molested, which is detestable by anyone.

Make a conscious effort to stay aware of what and why you are thinking, whenever you encounter gay issues, remove the mental blocks.

Friday, September 30, 2005

The Un Sinful Curves

"If I imagine viewing her naked, it is not a folly of mine, but the one who made her"

It is the most intriguing object of arousal. No doubt great artists of all time have made their share of contribution by painting naked women, writing poems with descriptives entailing every detail of that curvacious bod and all points to the consequent pornographic movies.

Nudity is sinful, the world where I live in, it is surely. But is it really sacrilegious? Something that has to be answered now. Our society will say it is, but the justification is never convincing enough. A few custodians of culture and values tell me that sex, nudity and pornography arouse carnal desires which themselves are wicked. Let me put some arguments and offcourse with justification, why it is not so Wicked.

Let us answer this first, if you were isolated and left all alone on an island, would it be that your sex desire disappears? A critic can debate, answer could be conditional wheather you have had a past experience of sexual arousal or not. Let us take both the cases. First case is easy to answer, it would not disappear if I have had prior sexual arousal any time in my past life. Now, if I was born in an isolated island, in a totally hypothetical and impractical situtation, there could have been a possibility that I could have stayed chaste from this feeling. But that also has question mark in front of it. What if i argue sexual desire is inherent in me, you and them. Even little babies get aroused. I have seen it personally in a fairly interesting incident, I accidently looked at my 2 month old little cousion's penis, I don't know what was he was imagining but that little bastard had an erect penis. (oye don't doubt my character I aint a peadophile) Now how much is he exposed to the so called sexual stigma in this world. See we have to accept this fact that it is perfectly natural to have sexual desires. They are inborn.

We have to accept nudity and pornography as means of sexual pleasure or appreciation of feminine beauty. I think these porno companies are doing a great job unless offcourse they start exploiting the woman featuring them, which is something unacceptable and immoral.

The question of woman serving as objects of beauty is something that bothers most of the feminists. Well, personally I don't think it should be a concern since the woman leading the procession for female rights is always dressed up to kill, well that is again an effort to look good. Why can't these women wear lose kurtas, why they are so out streched on revealing every detail of the curves they possess. Perhaps their dogmas are self contradicting. Looking good is a part of ostentatious sexual arousal.

It is just that we often start things without defining limits and then scream when the water goes overhead.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Re-Discovering Myself

"Chasing the shadows in yellow light while sailing on the ripples of smoke, I discovered myself high in the sea of caffeine"
Abhinav Swara

Monday, September 05, 2005

Dim light of Hope

Twenty years of life, loads of learning, loads of experiences, loads of memories and loads of expectations from future. A man is born, and hopes are built. My Grand pa used to say, "A man's life is all about his wisdom". It is about how much he gained from life, how much he added to his intellect. Pertinently this wisdom is mostly acquired or a better word would be realized through experience. A true wise man is not born, he is built. Recall the thing they say, "Rome wasn't built in a day!"

Sky is really inspiring, especially the night sky, the beauty in vastness, the profundity in darkness, the glittering stars and the veiling constellations. Last night when I was walking down the road, I happened to look above, at the sky, something I often love to do. It propagated a flood of thoughts in me. Why the stars, why the sun, why earth, us and me? Wondering over the meaning of apparently the meaningless, it sounds so futile, then my gut pulls me back like what Einstein said, life can't be so trivial, there has to be something special about it. What is life for most us, who never bother to give a profound thought to it? I would take myself out of that set and look scornfully down at them and wonder the materialistic web they trap themselves into. Can life be so trivial? Every body does this! Running around like salivating dogs or may be growling pigs, behind the glittering emptiness of this world. Lord gave us something called conscience, use it and you will know lord doesn’t really want you to earn big money and buy limos and mansions! Or does he? May be your conscience would react in a different way! And then there could be a two reasons for that either it is corrupted/dishonest of it has been reluctant in accepting the truth, which is often unpleasant so we tend to shove ourselves away from it. As we fear it!

Then my watchdog hits me down and makes me wonder again why it can’t be the other way around. Today you look scornfully at the rest of the world, may be that is the way to live. May be materialistic chase is the ultimate road to where life is destined to take us. Life today, the way it is being lived, even after all professional success, spiritually it is dejected. Special stress, I in no way mean it the way religions profess it, the religions make it so complex. Religious rites are futile obligations. Strength of true self-less prayer is far more powerful against any sort of meanly motivated sacrificial rite. Why is it so hard for us to understand this? Would god be happy to see us being selfish?

Wise men said, "If you want to understand how the other person is feeling, you better put yourself in his/her position". Makes sense! Ok! Let us say I am god! First thought, I am no more an atheist. I see people being mean, I see this person really selfish, using and throwing humanity. What should I do about this person? And I say, "Gawd Damn it! Go to hell you filthy crook". Probably god would be a little less vulgar, but that is how things would look from his perspective. Common, it is not that difficult to see what god wants from us. If you are strong enough, you can figure it out, if you have will to that, you can figure it out; else the mundane world is always there to welcome you.

Now if you have chosen the mundane over the spiritual which obviously does not make much sense with our terribly constipated intellects, which probably comes at a different level of Feeling, which is something people have been unable to put on paper. Reasonably enough God didn’t want to make things so easy for us. To make into a prestigious institute you need to go through an equally high standard exam, not to demean its grandeur.

God is tough to achieve! Is it really so? I wondered, and then I explored analogies. And I found one. To get into IIT's is tough by ordinary standards, and the rarity makes it prestigious. Undoubtedly, it is one of the most superlative exams at the undergraduate level, in the whole world. An analogy can be drawn here, with parallelism fairly high exactitude. An ordinary student, an average one can crack the exam, given the right approach. If you ask the mentors, they will tell you how common sense is used to approach any problem. Strong basics, which can be developed by using common sense only and committed dedication, a spirited effort made by ones soul, are the too things that can bring this to your feet.

God, off course the most wanted ultimate resort for most, when we screw things up, when we are leveled by everyone, is the one thing/person/entity we ultimately land up to. I want you to ask your conscience, question your conscious what god wanted you to be and where you are heading. God wanted me to be a compassionate towards poor, I never give them alms! Rather I spend copious amounts of money on my so well seeked materialistic entertainment. At times I hurt people, use them for my selfish motives and then I beg pardon. How do I defend myself from this? I see no other way than to say that I am just human, and I learn from my mistakes. And that’s the way to it. Vivekananda laid so much stress on realization. Realization of mistakes, realization of truth, realization of your own self…they are the ultimate things.

Perhaps it is too early for me to explore the exact path to God, but one thing I am pretty confident about is that it can just be found by your own self, no one in this world will come and tell you that this thing is right and this thing is wrong, we ultimately do what our conscience tells us to. I don’t remember the last time I worked on a path which was a production of someone else’s conscience. We might wander whole of our lives, but one day will come when we will realize that all we did was not what we were supposed to do and that would be the point of enlightenment. All that’s needed is the time to grow.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Solitary Reaper

Provocative women drive me crazy at times. And worst are the times when you die for someone particular. You lose freedom to broaden your horizons. You lose freedom to move ahead. It is like a full stop in life. And then even your notorious mind would never stops, you keep vacillating from one person to others, the others forming the set of people you want.

I was talking to a friend of mine, she sounded really sad about her break up with her boy friend, something provoked me to contemplate over benifits of single hood.

Lets see, how singles live! Me being one, loner in the abyss with couples and hot women sitting on the top of the mountain, try to see life from my perspective. Life from down here is not that bad, and trust me it is not that hard to realise, if you can burden your neural networks a little bit. There were times, when I used to crib, god damn! where's the girl I want, I want this woman, that woman...(See every one needs love, me no exception, I was born in a normal fashion and I am living a life of a normal being, so don't look at me with contempt. And if you try to be honest there is an equally frustoo guy/gal inside you, don't confuse it with a justification, I ain't proving anything to you, I just want you to believe in what you truly feel).

Then one day god appeared in my dreams, and said, "Swara! (c how popular this name of mine is that, even god can't call me Abhinav, :(( I miss my name so much) Women come and go!" Wiser a person is, more laconic he/she is, and who could be a better example than God! Thank you God, moment I have a problem he comes in my dreams and tells me a solution. I never believed in people who used to say that even friends ain't forever, friends today won't be friends tomorrow, perhaps I had strong reasons for this thinking, in 21 years of my life, I had never lost a friend, for me friends once, is friends forever! But then I question myself, is past such a strong reason to ruin your life sticking to one person. Profound thought leads you to great solutions, thats why I always take my time to ponder, and this time was't different. Life is about learning and moving on, rather than sticking to past, which has all glutinous properties to mar your confidence in life. So, one line lesson, Avoid glueing to past. I think I digressed a lot, sign of a bad writing. Without wasting any more time I ll state pros of singlehood.

Single-hood gives you freedom to dream about a different person every night, things shouldn't get boring right! And I caution the committed people, I don't know how much you think about ethics and morals before acting, but surely if you dream about different persons every night :P, you are ethically going wrong, filling your empty sin-tanks, and remember evil tanks fill a lot faster than you can imagine.

Next, single-hood gives freedom to flirt with N- no. of people because you ain't committed to one, Makes sense right! Its like being India, we stand with our liberal open economy, allowing countless opportunties to the world for trade, on similar lines we should leave ourselves open and let the world full of beautiful and unique attributes trade on terms of love and affection. See, I am not demeaning commitment, its sanctity is still maintained. I just want to show you the joys of not being committed.

Next, while you are single you don't owe any responsibility to anyone, which binds you. I am sure no one in this world wants to live in a coop! You can always start a new thing, and forget the past, things seem really hard at the beginning and one needs a lot of cruelty to kill your emotions but eventually its for your good. Your past can't bring happiness to you, you know that but you just refuse to trust your gut. Don't fool your self!

Next, singles enjoy the freedom of trying and testing! You enjoy the freedom of tasting different people(:P), an explicit pun intended) See, one person in your mind is like a huge rock, which restrains your movement in life. Remember what our teachers taught us in school, if you are stuck on one problem in exam, leave it and move to the next else you will lose many marks. A direct analogy can be drawn here, if you are stuck upon one person you are losing loads of fun in life, so its best to move on.

Next, love plays an important part in shaping your life, but there are things more important in life, that one must look up to, which includes career, your friends, your parents, and above all your own self. Love your self! You know this love is hardly successful and most of the things one does in love are lust driven. And for the naysayers, here is an advice, don't be skeptical, try being patient and give it a deep thought, you ll realise it better.

This article is something I put on and realised that it is very controversial and open to criticism. My own view would be to say that if there is love, great, if its not even then its great. See you got nothing to lose, in fact you have more to gain in single hood.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Thought for the Night

"Falling doesn't matter, if you fight back to rise again"

Monday, July 25, 2005

Cinnamon Girl

Tennis is a game where you wait for ball to come to you, especially when you play a slow game of dry clay courts. Ramming the last shot with vigor and a feeling of banal pride, I ended the game. Pulling my socks up, and aligning the skewed matrix of racquet guts, I moved to the stands. Take some time before you grab the water bottle after a game, an always overlooked warning. I gulp a few milliliters of water, while my eyes still on the little space age kids. Really the so called “cool babies”, though even they know they are wearing plastic masks, their parents bought them from their riches. I take a deep breath, when I am checked by a pat on my rear head. I turn my head to see who it is. To much of surprise, it is that young girl I saw a little while ago, on the other side of the court. Fairly tomboyish, shoulder length hair locks, a cute smile and a greeting hi. “Hey”, I respond back. “Remember me”, she said. As blank as ever, I said, “no”. She bursts into an expected laughter. “How would you know me, we never met before”. “Yeah Right”. She took her eyes off me and started looking straight, “you want to play a game?” “No, not now”, I am already done, I replied without thinking. “I want you to teach me”, she surprised me with all that interest, and “I have been like watching you for a couple of weeks now”. “Hey thanks you considered me worth that”, I replied feeling honored. She looked back and smiled. There is something with pretty women that you just can’t say no, and if she smiles she knows that she is killing you. “Ok! Let’s give it a try. By the way, what’s your name”, I just couldn’t say no. “Sania Mirza”. “What the fuck”, I was creepy laughing. “Moron! That’s my name, all right! Just a coincidence that it is same as Sania Mirza”, she was annoyed a bit.
I taught her a few basics, and shot techniques. Surely she hadn’t learnt anything from the training she was taking and I wasn’t sure that she will retain what I told her. Good for me that she got tired quickly. She was friendly and not shy, unlike me. Certainly, now I take my broadsword out whenever I see such an assault. But I liked the way she took things along. We went for a coffee after the game. I generally drive fast, but this time I wanted it to be slow. I wanted to prolong the time as much as I could. You like chocolates, I said yes I do. Again her smiling face, I wondered why god has been ruthless to men. Why couldn’t he make all men gay and reproduce and work hard for the welfare of MAN kind. You want to go for a drive? I gathered tons of courage and asked her. Not to my surprise she gladly accepted, “that would be awesome”. We went to the road of basking pleasures. Both side lush green forest, curvy roads with tulips smelting gold, and with her arm around my seat. You know why we have no ways out of this world, its because of the pretty things we see here. Every now and then in life we find something that is beautiful. God knew how to control population in his worlds. He sent pretty, material things down to earth to stray goats personified as men. But at times in life you want to untie your self.
There was something I didn’t expect to flow in, “Teach my driving”. I resisted. I thought to myself this just gone adult might ram us down some where. She put her hand on my arm and pleaded trust. For a while I just wanted that she never left my arm, but then I would be a sculpture, with donkeys peeing on my feet and crows shitting on my head. “All right! All right, but we just go straight all right, and you do no ruff handling, go smooth”, would I have a chance to say thanks to god. Driving lessons to cutie, another nice job option. Did she smell good, god did all adversities with men only, even after so much sweating she was fragrant. You start slow. Ok. First lessons, I remembered my Dad’s driver, rather I should call him Guruji, and the things he taught me, first lessons are always remembered, like first kiss, first date, first heart break…you can never forget them. I told her all that shit and we moved forward with a few hitches. I just cannot help my dirty mind, or perhaps my so called Dog nature, I looked at her slender legs, and I could take my eyes of them. A woman charisma is like that only, a seduction act, when you let yourself lose. “Nice legs”, I ain’t afraid of complimenting her assets. She daggers another shot into my heart with her foxy eyes and naughty smile. To my ill fate the feet at the end of those flashy legs were pestering the poor accelerator a little too much. My heart concomitant with the poor engine both were pumping hard for survival.
“Hey! Calm down. Slow it baby, you don’t have to press it too hard”, I almost shouted. She didn’t listen; instead she gave a kinky look back. You are driving for the first time, slow it. She won’t listen, we were already crossing sixty, my grabbed the hand brake, and the need could be anytime. I screamed again, “why are you doing this? I will pull the hand brake if you persist”. Don’t do that she responded smiling. This girls gone crazy and is going kill me today. We will touch hundred in a little time, please slow down, I literally begged. She felt the wave and quivered not in fear but with a nitro boost. I will slow down if you say that you love me, she caught me with sheer surprise. What is this crap? I retorted. Are you high on crack? No but moron say that you love me. Why do you want me to love you? We don’t even know each other. No, just say it.
Why I have to be adamant about certain things all the time? All right! All right! I love you. I love you a lot Sweet heart. And she slowed down and granted me life. She brought the car from 60 to zero in less then five seconds and caused me palpitation. This crazy girl removed her seat belt and kissed me, or rather suffocated me, something that I was supposed to do. She was all drenched with excitement and told me that she knew how to drive; she was just playing a game, and yeah last but not the least she smelled good ;), the cinnamon girl.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

I died

Last night I passed away. I hit a strange kind of fever or perhaps it hit me. May be it is dengue that hit me; I was bit by a mosquito in the day. I looked at the watch; it was 3:15 in the morning. Got up and took a paracetamol. Body temperature must be around some what 105 degree Fahrenheit. Half of my body was burning and the part below my belly was like freezing cold. “What’s happening”, I questioned myself that I always do. Shall I move to sick bay, call an ambulance! Is life risky? May be it is! Sometimes you feel you are unstable. Your thinking totally challenged. I choose not to go, wondering what if I passed away. One man less in this world won’t really make a difference. So I chose to die. I smiled looking outside the window moving my heavy lips. What if I die? Sounded so funny at that moment. I am 21 and people don’t often die at this stage. And I wasn’t normal that ways so I am going to die. They say life flash backs when you are about to die and yes it did. I recalled everything from my birth to tonight. Happy moments and sad moments, good people and bad people. Did I feel smug? I wasn’t sure. Probably not. I wondered things I wanted to do, but I couldn’t. Anyways once you are dead, it doesn’t matter. Fever was rising. I again considered my thought is dying ok. It might be painful; my body was already aching so much, it might really hurt more as I neared death. Strange is life and its moments. I wished I could see light once, I wanted to see brightness but outside my window everything was dark and gloomy, perhaps the right time to die. When I was young, I had this gut feeling that I will not die the way others do, but I never thought it was going to be so funny before death. I felt gay, couldn’t jump or scream because I had no vitality. But my heart was joyous. Still staring at the roof above and listening to Elton john’s Mona Lisa. The fever hit my head then, I quivered. My eyes closed. Ten minutes later I opened my eye, I was still alive. I wanted to put this experience on pen. It drove me to the MS word. My fingers move faster on the key board, then any other thing, probably I can be a good typewriter. Then I wondered where I am going to go once I die. Hell or heaven? Doesn’t really matter I can be good typewriter any where. Pee before you die, I saw my pale face in the mirror. Surely death was approaching me. I pulled key board close to me and lay in my bed. I will enlist the last thing you before you die. Some body died just for inferring the taste of a chemical. Probably this discovery of mine would also be of some use. What are last things I want to see before I die? I saw Eddie Vedder’s picture, he gave me lot in life, and with all due respect his words “think different” hit my mind. Desolation, fear and agony three words that lost there meaning. Mentally unstable, speaking or rather typing these words, that’s what I seem. Probably true, I freaked out. My head grew heavier. It is four forty one in the morning. I might get to see light once for the last time. A man followed into my room, I told him to put this on www.damnshitpot.blogspot.com.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Blitzkrieg

One year of await finally ends, not to mention it started the night it ended last year. Ardent followers dressed up in impressive black gush outside the arena where the prestigious act is about to start in a few hours of time. It is a high demand show. The most applauded concert in the northern part of country, a prestigious contest of Rock Giants from all over the nation.


I wait for this show the whole year, for last six years I haven’t missed a single one and with every coming year my enthusiasm keeps on waxing. The show starts at 5 in the evening always delayed from its programmed time, because of the over burdened shoulders of immature undergraduate student's organization. I enter three hours before the show and see the bands going through the crucial sound check, setting there electronic machines to the tones of the console. Shrilled distortions, shrieked blazes from the stringed instruments ignite a covetous desire to head bang.

Running around with a bag full of entry passes and a walkie-talkie in my hand the situation was a mixture of high tension and excitement. Assuring everything to be at place and every event on time, managing a dozen sub ordinates, allocating duties, really meant a lot. The pressure is high when you know the responsibility of an event where the hopes of around five thousand people for a good show is fairly on your little team. And the relentless authorities of your institute will not tolerate a little deviance from ideality. They want things right at place and right on time no matter if a person stands for 24 hrs without sleep.

Half past four in the evening and all bands ended their sound check, I announced the evacuation of OAT, “Please leave and show your passes and enter again, cooperate so that we don’t call security”. Crowd showed sensibility and moved out. Dean of students calls me and enquires for all the details. So far so good. Band entry is from the VIP gate, all bands show there passes and enter at one time with me at the gate to verify there identity. We did so, I sounds easy but it took one full hour to enter bloody 6 bands in. I move to the other entry point and see a very common sight such an event. Some what thousands standing in queues, some with entry cards rest just hoping to swindle the security.

Every time it happens thousands of uninterested random beings just out of curiosity, who don’t even have any sense and respect for Rock n Roll get in and leave when they are unable to tolerate, wasting the chance of an ardent rock fan. Me and my pal decided this time we will try curbing this shit to the extent we can. I had some what around 300 entry passes, in my bag and I was running around giving people I knew deserved to be in. All thanks to my professor who understood the emotion behind it and thanks to my luck that day. I got around fifty people entering from the VIP entry all deserving ones. Another pal contributed to the effect by cajoling the security guards at the general entry point.

Success shows. After an hour or so my dean comes to me and tells me why the people are not leaving. When you have such a big crowd to handle, you have all the logistics of crowd in flow and out flow worked out. Under normal circumstances, something that had been happening for last few years, around after an hour of the event starting a gust of crowd moves out and then the gates open again to let those in who were left out. But there logistics failed this time, they experienced something that was very unexpected, people in stayed in. I saw Dean’s face and smirked, he made jeer remark at me when I was talking about Blitzkrieg with him about rock fanatics. And that moment I saw a perplexed authority. I told him, today there won’t be any such cycles and that actually happened. No one left the theater, every one was jolly in the frenzy cloud of the music rising high, reaching the seventh sky, listening to the guttural screams of the metal maniacs.

The event was an ultimate success. All credit to the team. It was an effort applauded by everyone around. The Dean was exalted, he gave us chocolates congratulating for our success.


Determination is strength, you can make differences with your will even if they are minor, and if you have a strong true emotion behind it your efforts will surely get what you want, all you need is little bit of God, rest is you, all the best.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Deep in my Heart

Will you love me till the day I die
Will you love me in the after life
Will you pray to the seraphs and ask them to make sure I'm alright in my next life

Would you massage my back if I asked you
Would you believe me if I told you I loved you
Would you hold me tight and kiss me
And if I tried to get away would you say come back I ain't finished yet

If I told you I hated you would you take it to the heart
If I told I was leaving would you just let us part
If I had plane tickets to a tropical island far away
Would you drop everything you're doing and come away with me

Why is it we can never tell how we feel about each other
Why is it so hard to believe each other
Why is it that really don't trust each other
Why is it that we lust for each other

Why I think these things I really don't know
Maybe I think someday soon you might go
Or maybe it's just the opposite and I am just tired of all this shit
Would it really affect our lives if we were to part
I know when you answer these questions they will stay deep in my heart


PS:- This is by a friend of mine Sana. (All comments should be addressed to her)

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Modern Day Warriors (Lovers)

Love is no less than a war, and lovers no less than zealot warriors. Lovers’ fight the war against world to stay together, and at times they are ready to lay there lives for this purpose. Ranjha died, Romeo was killed.

Driven by the ardent emotions, which results from one stupid chemical secreted in our brains called Dopamine. Love has beneficial effects on you. Falling in love makes you more attractive, with the secretion of sex hormone estrogen that makes our skin softer and improves blood circulation. So all babes around get ready fall in love ;)

Love, if we look back into time it was pretty different at that time or may be the examples I know are pretty different from the way I see it today in our society. Like the love of Heer-Ranjha, Romeo-Juliet, they were warriors who probably exemplify love in the most appropriate sense. I don’t think I need to educate any one regarding what these warriors were like. But now the times are changing. The concept of love is changing.

One of my dear friends, perhaps the one among the two best I have, doesn’t mind going around with any woman, no matter who she is for “a fling”. The funniest thing about it is that he tells every one of them “I love you sweet heart” and then he tells me, “Man this time I have fallen in love”. Preposterous! And funny. The whole essence of love is lost it is used for everyone. Ok answer this! Why you say I love you to someone? Because you find him/her really special, meaning that probably he/she is your whole life’s most precious possession. You go around with a person and you hide your true emotions. Both of you know what you feel about each other, but you are just two scared to face the reality and you just can’t say it. Any relation that lasts, that has a stronger basis is one that is based on true facts not on fake illusions that one creates.

Another pal tells me that you can easily love 5-6 people in one life. Now I think of it, I just can’t stop laughing at this statement. But surely you need a king size heart to accommodate all of them. I wish had that big a heart. Last time I went home, a friend of mine told me in his pompous tone, “I got 30 women’s contacts in my cell phone, till date I have slept with half of them, I just want to complete the list”. I was like holyfuck! But all I could say was good luck buddy. I wish your dreams come true. (Pretty Lusty :P)

Another friend of mine had a sex relation ship with a woman for four months. But they clearly had the rules stated, they knew it on the first night they had sex and they knew it on the last night they had sex. Today, still they meet and they are like very good friends. The whole point is you have to be honest enough in expressing your true emotions so that the complications do not persist at later stages. Grudges are going to creep up if things are not clarified. Keeping things in heart is pain, unless you are a sado-masochist, which I presume 95% people are not, any one would hate it.

Sometimes I feel it is my traditional thinking that doesn’t allow me to think the way others do. I haven’t grown with the society. Our society is becoming fast with time. And surely lot of it is inspired by the western culture. Human beings pick evils quickly, perhaps I am not being rational enough to call it evil but I am sure even if our society doesn’t pick the traits of hard work and loyalty, we will surely adopt most of the evils of their culture.

Modern day warriors, they fly with the wind, not against it. This provokes me not to use such a respectful word like warriors!

This article is fairly open to criticism and I know fingers are going to be pointed and doubts about pragmatism of things are going to be raised. But believe me foundation of a lasting relation ship love, friendship is honesty. You might hurt a person for temporarily but in long he/she will respect your honesty.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~mAKe WorLD A LovabLe PLAce to live in~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday, July 01, 2005

Dawn of Slavery

Poverty is going to be eliminated because every one who is poor is going to die in impoverishment.

That’s precisely what globalization is doing. All right now I know fingers are being pointed, you will have things like creation of tremendous job opportunities, initiation of technology transfer, and economic prosperity of middle class to mention. Let us not be so selfish, I know at individual level and that too only to individuals of a particular section of society, globalization is doing good, but when it comes to economics the main emphasis is on the poor not the already rich.

We have had quite a bit improvement in the number of employment opportunities in our nation since last ten years or so. There has been large number of industrial setups with opening up of the economy. Cheap labor and resource exploitation was the buzz word in the era of colonization, and say what, it is the same even today under the name of Global economy and development loans to the poor country. I know this is something, which is really hard to escape, seeing the fact that we do need loans and we do need technology for rapid development. But there has to be a check, there has to be a filter which ensures that we only pick the stuff that we really need and be a little wiser at our policy making substance.

I will give a simple example. We have a canteen called KLS (which serves good food at fair prices), and then we have the Nescafe’s in our campus (which provides coffee, maggy and muffins, equally good, at least not better). Now the differences and what makes us prefer Nescafe over KLS (which is totally domestic), first of all, the fact that it is not open 24 hrs a day. The next, perhaps unconsciously or consciously but surely because of the way things are served. Looks matter; we again unconsciously or consciously, like those fancy cups and maggy dishes. Seriously it might sound trifling but it is a fact. And see how the Foreign shit exploits us, KLS just revised its rates once, raising prices by 50 paisa, and this counterpart of his raising maggy from Rs. 8 to Rs. 12 and Coffee from Rs. 3.50 to Rs. 5.0. How small, isn’t it? How much does it take, a mere difference of 1 or 2 bucks? Hardly matters to me or to you. But you know what he did with it? He is sending all that profit to a foreign country. The guy a Nescafe is paid Rs. 4000 per month and same for the guy at KLS, but the guy at Nescafe looks smarter. He says hello to all his customers for nice repeated visits, which the KLS man does not. The result is loss of business for him (a domestic industry at the part of a foreign industry). And can you guess what is ultimately going to happen, few years ahead we will have a pizza hut in IIT, pizza corner and KLS would be gone. (A case of domestic industry being over seized by a foreign industry).

Similar thing happened in case of most of the cottage in our country! Similar thing happened with ‘Thumbs Up’ if I am remembering it correctly. Ludhiana is known as the Manchester of India, all clothing is made there only, but it gets tag of Levis, Reebok, etc and is sold under a brand name for hefty prices. And see who is buying it? Rich or the middle class who can afford it, they could have any ways bought it.

I am not totally anti globalization; I know it something we just can’t escape from. All I am saying is that we need a good quality control at all points. If the leather is made in Jalandhar why can’t we have the similar quality under the name of some Indian brand than a foreign one? And we need a little bit policy improvement at some points like not letting our own industries subside due to a foreign industry, because that would eventually end up in the displacement of our domestic industry by them and that is going be the dawn of slavery!

Sunday, June 26, 2005

My Friend Achievement

Is it Achievement? Yeah it is she. She is coming this way. “Hey! Sweet heart! How are you darling?” sheepishly I answer, “I am fine honey, how you doing?” She tells me that she loves me (wink) and I tell her that she is my latest crush.
All right this friend of mine, she is called Achievement. Yeah right that’s her name (anglicized). But I think she is pretty tough to achieve. She reminds of me of, I don’t know what we exactly call it, a sugar coated knife. She will say sweet things, make cute faces, and pass on winks that will make your heart pound. And then like an innocent little doll she will walk away and I guess she loves it. She will wake you up in the middle of the night jus to say hi, and man how you can sleep after that.
Once upon a time she was roaming in an apple orchard, searching for the most beautiful fruit. Her search ended when she found a really sweet apple and there on she decided to live under that apple tree, caring and clinging to the blossoming bud. She thought she had found a reason to live, she had found life. One day when she was sleeping under the tree the apple fell on her. It hit her on the left part of her chest. It hurt and she screamed to the destiny why she? Pretty touchy.
My friend Achievement loves to dance, she loves to freak out…dancing is a passion for her and perhaps a mad one that she breaks the floor and makes everyone else falls to her feet. The height of her love for dancing is so much that once I was walking with her and she in her jolly mood swung her arms, only to find a moment later that I was lying on the road, so beware ( ;) wink)
I proposed her a couple of times but she says we don’t have intellectual matching. She thinks my intellect is not good enough for her. She demeans my mere intellectual capability. :)
My friend Achievement or my latest crush, I am sending you this apple of mine, accept it or else if would be taken by someone else or might rot. (:D)

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Daddy! I wanna Play

Persistently crying against the unaware force of patriarchy this aspirating kid eventually got tired and lost her hopes. She is destined not for what she desires. She is destined for something the male dominance of society wants. This is 21st century we are living in, and even till date we have such uncouth acts of the stronger sex.

This evening, I witnessed two bad things; first of all I was on the verge of losing the tennis match to Khanna, some thing that has not happened in past, anyways that’s trifling. Coming to the second bad thing and the one that is read through the title of this article, today I witnessed something that quivered my senses badly. I mean I have known that female child is neglected in family, things that a male child does are not allowed for the female child but I never witnessed it with my eyes. The scene goes like this! On the court adjacent to ours there were two kids and their father playing. Kids seemed not more than 10 years of age, one girl and one boy. Ten minutes of play all I could hear was repeated cries of the girl, “Daddy! I wanna play! Daddy I wanna play! Daddy! Daddy!...” And worse that little kid was running around the court picking up the ball for her preposterous father and brother to play. She probably had in mind that she will get to play if she did that. But sorry girl your father still isn’t able to respect the equality you deserve. Man I was pretty freaked out, but he was like an unrequiting rock. I gave him a stern look once and he stupidly smiled back at me. I didn’t want him to get hurt by someone 10-15 yrs younger so I didn’t tell him to stop exploiting the little kid and give her the racquet.(Perhaps I later realized that I was wrong, shouldn’t just watch injustice and do nothing) And trust me, that man, he looked like some professor shit, a highly educated personnel. I am sure it doesn’t mean that education has nothing to do with a persons understanding of right and wrong, it is more of a trend in the society. In fact it is the only way we have to make our society equal for both men and women. Probably we need more explanatory education, that says it loud and clear, not to fuck up with gender equality. I propose we should have chapters like "How unwittingly we Commit Gender disparity?"and "Ways we can avoid it" etc.

It might seem like a pettish thing but it is not. It starts from here only, perhaps countless similar things in which a female child is devoid of the opportunities a male child captures. It is just one instance that is acting like an example.

Well this is day when young females like Sania Mirza are making their way to Wimbledon, may be she lost in second round but that’s a separate issue. Why we don’t have more Sania Mirza’s. I think it would be redundant to mention it again. The last paragraph brings out the difference in conduct altogether. Why we can’t give them what they want when we can do the same for a male child. I am sure it is not that tough. Be rational and grow up parents.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Hollow Souls

When the burden gets heavy and your body begins to ache for the will to strive,it finally finds a way to collapse; a way to heave you out of your worthless life.You have been walking for so long,with that weight on your back;time to let go.You have decided to drop it all off; torturous pain,you no longer wanted to know.You see the truth through doubtful eyes; a wrecked image,with cracks in between.Who are your friends?You no longer know; hurtful lies through love you have seen.the finger you pointed at those who cried, twisted and turned to face no one but you. Slowly fate uncovered those hidden lies; revealing what your innocent soul never knew. Wounded by hypocrisy,blinded by tears,you walk alone feeling numb and so dead inside.Your body is mangled;yet you are dead to the feeling;you no longer want to confide.Disheartened by continous failures;torn between shards of hope and seas of despair.Waves drag you and shove you back to reality;agitation is your companion;forever there.Through the murkiness you see your hope,breathing weakly;faraway from you grip.Standing on the edge of sanity,you see it fading-hope from hands begins to slip!Suddenly hatred finds a way to consume you and you let it weaken you with its power.You watch yourself tear away;as the life is drained out of you;you feel like a wilting flower.You are dead to the world,but mostly dead to the world who show you sympathy.You pay them back with revengeful words and make them taste your bitter agony;you watch yourself turning ruefully to the person you never imagined you could be.Even those smiles you sensed coming,they turned to spiteful glares for your eyes to see.You no longer see love and your heart is poisoned by abhorrence;yet you choose to stay.You finally decide that being lifeless will shield you from feeling pain-it was the only way!So the burden gets heavy and the heart gets harder-you begin to destroy what you built.Those years of hard work and trust begin to fall apart and your memories seem to wilt.You watch everything so carefully,just like you have always done but still you dont care. You watch those who loved you begin to despise you,as you helplessly stand there.You dont need their sympathy;you dont your eyes to shed tears over your past.yet you still do;you sit in your corner everyday,sobbing-for life fell apart so fast.You become to worship your anguish and welcome it with your arms wide open.To hold it between the waves in the merciless sea where your soul was sunken.Your world is painted eternally black;similar to the color of your drenched soul.To consume yourself and your memories;this will forever be your atrocious goal.You cast your shadow upon their eyes;blinding them from pleasure and happiness.You replace their bliss with goodbyes;and fill their world with never ending silence.You hold their sweet memories ij your and crush them to watch them slip away.You kiss their smiles goodbye with your noxious lips;nothing could stand in your way.You hiss those abhorrent words in their world of satisfaction to turn it into burning hell.You linger around lost souls;those who are hollow inside are those you can relate to.You whisper your soothing words in their ears,they understand;for they are like you.You seem to breathe you life into them, knowing that in their bodies it'll be secure. Safe from your insanity and continuos torture;other sufferers are your only cure. For as long as you live, you will carry the burden-for it surely what pushes you to strive. Your burden is your challenger, your burden is your relieving agony; it keeps you alive. Queen of Distress, you are to be,fate maybe deceitful yet to his promises he's a keeper. Forever suffering,forever in darkness-forever in tears, forever alone, forever weeper.


Ps:- This article is written by Sana(a frnd of mine). Ur comments if ne wud be addressed to her.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Women Of Misery

http://www.geocities.com/saviinabyss/hu372n.html

Keep Smiling

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

My Last Summer

I got up in the morning on the wrong side of the bed. I slept again as I had nothing to do. A summer morning, my head was damp with sweat. The fan in my room is not good enough to cool. Only cooling effect came from the sweat that dripped from my head onto the pillow. I slept bare naked last night to protect my satin sheet. Thanks to the heat at least it killed all the mosquitoes. And thanks to god, I never forget, at least I am still alive. I finally got up at 10:30 when I could not sleep any more. Life is injustice I can sleep for 20 hrs when it is exam time but not more than 12 hrs when I am free. I turned on the idiot PC; it logged me on to various messengers. I browsed through the offliners, none of them made any sense. Next thing it boots is the song player; turned on the loud crap I was listening to last night. It makes no difference now, I am already deaf. I check my mails, again nothing useful. I went through my ablutions monotonously without an interest. I wasn’t especially hungry but I wanted to eat for the ritual. I took my bag, put some books into it none of which interest me. I reached Barista my only hope of a nice place. ‘Breakfast at Barista’s’, one month it would have been a gay thought today it is my last hope. My thoughts: I sit alone at the corner table for some reason it is my favorite spot. I look at the cosmopolitan people around me they sound strangely strange. This guy pretty well dressed like an official is doing some work on his laptop or a funny thought he might be watching porn. What is he doing here at 12 if he is an official? Does it matter to me...huh! And this fat lady sitting right besides me seems so badly engrossed in her paper work that she didn’t even once sip the coffee she ordered. May be she likes it cold, but then why she ordered a hot cup? I have a curiosity problem; at times I will do anything to quench this strange desire. I peep into her papers while she looked outside; and damn it man she is doing some 10th class mathematics, perhaps she is a school teacher. I thought her to be a business analyst; make it a rule dude looks can’t talk about your profession. I don’t like this place, it seems so plastic. People seem so manipulative here. One o clock I move to the library, its better than my room but again I don’t like books either. I leave by 1:30. It is very hot, scorching summer sun, will it ever pity the poor. Again the idiot computer and a little bit of same old orkuting. I catch sleep after that. I get up at around 2:30. I wish it was evening but I wasn’t lucky enough. It feels like I am living just to live, I don’t know the art of life. It feels like it has been ages I even heard my own voice. I miss my friends and it is really ugly to live without people who care for you. It is really ugly to live without people who make you feel special. You talk to someone only when they give you a sense of security. I miss the love and affection. Its value is not realized when you have it but when it is gone. I see familiar faces but I cannot talk to them, they always existed there but I never bothered to talk, and they were never interesting and they will never be. It is 11 at night and the only words I spoke today were when I placed an order for breakfast. Funny it is to live like this, funny is a wrong word; it is painful to live like this. Hope tomorrow is not the same. Hope I get to hear my own voice a little more in the days to come.

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Confession

It is preposterous, how my mind works. One moment it can analyze things with an awesome rational knack, the next moment I lose it all. My head loses the battle it fights against the heart, the creepy entity that imparts emotions. It transports blood into my 'nerve of emotions', good and bad. And yes it always beats my mind, the rational entity. Like the war between evil and good, the evil (the emotional entity) almost always wins. I tend to react like a baby; a good willed adult who understands that the feelings of jealousy, hatred, distrust... are evil loses his ability to rationalize his own behavior. There were pressure situations I handled without panic, when others failed but the emotional crisis makes me too vulnerable. I am bad, and the God shall punish me.

Confession to the victims of my irrationality. Sorry for all the pain. Forgive me, I am nothing but a human.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Crash Landing after an awesome Flight

Snort a pinch and your eye ball zooms and your vision goes hazy, you soar into your subconscious dreams seeing things funny, horrible, vulgar, gory. Your imagination takes a leap into ‘You in wonderland’. You feel thirsty to the extent that cannot be quenched by any amount of cold water. An intelligent being of you turns into a shitake mushroom, who gazes around like a mentally retarded person. You burst into laughter for no reason of good, an unstoppable activity for you till the time your tummy aches and you are lying on floor beating it. The very next moment you have an urge to hit, you are filled with tremendous psychological energy but you really don’t know how to focus it. This rush of blood can drag you into any antisocial activity, you can kill, rape, stab, jump out of a window for no reasons. That’s Cocaine!

Rolling spliffs, it is really a time consuming job, me not being an expert. But I had to rush, my friend called me a little while ago and told that another friend of his who has to leave soon wants to try the marijuana hit. I finished the job rolling six joints and went down. He was waiting in his car, thought, three of us and six joints, two each, cool! Hey hi! Introductions and we are on the move. The stuff was really good that time; I was expecting a good hit! We moved to the nearby hangout bought a cold menu drink (formality sake) and lit the first joint. There are etiquettes for smoking, three puffs and pass on to the next. But with joints it is different; one roll lasts longer than an average cigarette. Around two and half times longer, moreover the hit is even higher. First joint done, second done, third done, fourth done and our lips were dry like the sand of Sahara. I tried plumbing the level of hit they had underwent but my gauging power was badly hit too. My throat was burning. I got up and gulped three glasses of water. As the host it was my responsibility to ask for another one, so did I? But they were sloshed. I grinned, as if I had accomplished the task of making them feel the punch. Sorry, it was too good. The stuff was awesome this time. When I wasn’t noticing, in my state of so thought of as eternal bliss, they drank water like mad cows. We moved out of that place, climbing the stairs when every step seemed like lifting a hundred pound stone. Everything was slow, as if it was multiplied by 0.2 so that it moves slowly, whether it is our mind or our motion. We dragged ourselves to car, with no one knowing anything about other, we sat on our usual fixed locations but the car didn’t move. We waited but it didn’t move. We still waited but it didn’t move. I turned my head and saw there was no one to drive it. The driver was missing! I slowly gazed around, and holy shit he was puking in the corner. He didn’t stop for at least half an hour, after that he was too weak to move, we took him to the hospital, I knew there was hell lot of chance that the thing could to our parents but I had no choice my friends life was in danger, and we were scared to shit. He got two bottles of glucose drip. Somehow we were able to fake out that day, and we not caught, we fooled them saying it is a case of food poising, and not dope poising. The main reason he puked was that he took too much of water after the joints, and he was keeping all the smoke inside his tummy and not letting it out for a higher hit.

I learned a lesson that day drugs are futile. They make you sick and nothing else. Moving into such a state is really not a good experience where you lose your senses.

We had already smoked Mary Jane for around 15 days without any mishaps but with that we ended our resolution to dope. No more to drugs!

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Romanticists: Part III

Life is a teacher. But when it teaches you by force a true Sagittarian never learns. It was a stubborn kind of attitude. I would say to life, what you think you can scare me with this, seriously you can’t. I will again fall in love and will beat you bitch!

Now coming to my last crush. I can recall maximum of it because it was the most recent one and probably most intimate one too. We met in a really lucky fashion. 5 months after we came to know each other we never talked. I had no first sight crush on her, because we never met. Neither had I ever thought of getting together. Then one day she called up. A very sweet and low pitch voice. The second time she called she said lets meet up. I was surprised at the interest she was showing, but at times my words become my miseries, to keep one person happy I had to break another heart. I couldn’t meet her that day. And man she felt bad, as if I took her for granted which was not at all my intention. Any ways she cooled down after a while and then finally we met. I was dead on the first meeting itself. She had a glow on her face the glow of Oracle; I was totally stunned at her beauty. She had the elegance an order higher than an average girl. She sounded intelligent, a rare attribute for women. I could hardly talk because I didn’t really expect her to be that pretty. Long black hair totally awesome and very sweet smile. Her eyes, an illustration for the song 'sexy eyes'. She flaunted an attitude for which I fell flat.

I came back; those days were too busy for me to think of anything, I was too occupied with work, too much pressure on my little shoulders. I invited her to a function, she didn’t come. I felt bad. I am not used to hearing no, till the time I find a rational justification. Soon I was free from work, now I had ample time to drive the bike of my brain on to her track. Soon I realized that I was falling in love with her. There was I danger she made it clear that she doesn’t want any affair any more. She would say no if I approached her. I knew that. But this heart is a mad horse; it will run and jump into a cliff. I proposed her, stupid me, my fear was true, she refused. But I knew I can’t kill my love for her whether she refuses or not. I am completely a fan of moon, may be because it’s very beautiful or may be because my name means moon too. I compared her beauty to the beauty of moon. Yes she is that pretty. I would simply spend hours thinking about her beauty, and doing nothing. For a person like me who likes to be busy it is tough without a solid reason, which was she. After that we became very close friends, we shared a lot of things, we used to talk almost all the free time we had. My monthly phone bill became three times, but love makes you mad and it is really beautiful. It’s an awesome feeling to be loved by someone. We had a very sweet relationship; today I am unable to put it into words. And perhaps she is the only woman in my life I have got so close to, she absolutely knows me inside out, not even my mother. All I can say is that It was really the sweetest of all relationships I ever had. I won’t exactly call her my girl friend but she was something more than that, really close to heart, a lot cherished…

Romanticists: Part II

Class 9th new school, new city, new friends and new girls. There were loads n loads of those in a city like Chandigarh. Perhaps I am a person who falls at the first sight. First day when I went to see the result for my admission I had cracked the exam, but while I was gazing at the list, I was suddenly hit by a floral tide of some perfume. I moved my head slightly to the left to see a radiant face. A girl short curly hair, very cute face, sexy eyes ocean deep and slim sleek figure! Oops was my reaction. But I had to take my eyes of quickly as I was with my dad. I am a really puppy baccha at home, no girls, no smoking, no boozeJ. She was awesome; I came home praying that she be in my section. But my prayers were not answeredL. She went to a different section and wonder what my school had enough hot chicks but I liked only her, just she. I told my close friends about her and they gave me awful feedbacks about her character, but no I liked her no matter what she was, not to mention she had a very sexy voice too. Our interaction was totally one sided, I would always stare, she won’t ever notice, follow her when she would leave for home, I would travel three miles extra just for her every day in the scorching sun. I dropped Hindi and took Punjabi in class 9th, major reason she was there, so that at least we would have one common period. Two years no talks, now was the time to depart still nothing, she won the title for miss sixteen, I told my friends she deserved it, they never trusted me before that but that day they were amazed at my eye. But she would be gone, and yes farewell party was the last day I saw her. So this crush of mine went without a single word exchange. Now she is perhaps settled into modeling somewhere in Canada.

One Good thing about having a single crush is that every night you think of that person only so you can avoid getting confused which one to think of before sleeping.

Class 11th & 12th I had this confusion, bad years no serious crush, many mini crushes.

Then I entered college, first year whiz passed me. I was too busy enjoying the freedom one has in college that I never got sentimental for anyone. I always thought there should be a girl but fun time in hostel; playing pranks, studying very little and then getting crazed about the grades and partying around overshadowed the need. Towards the end of the third year, I got really psyched for the lack of woman in my life. I wanted a girl’s love, but IIT the place where you spend 90% of your time provided very narrow opportunity. Strictly speaking I had no crushes in IIT. I liked a few girls and did appreciate there beauties, believe me there are few of those drop dead gorgeous in IIT’s too. But the sex ratio is terribly screwed. And there is a rush, guys drooling around whatever they find. My curiosity and emptiness bumped into this woman, she had average looks but was fairly nice by nature. Most of the time we spent together talking about technical things, studying together, making crappy assignments on time with a little bit of yummy yummy stuff and yes with that I grew up a bit. Now I was in that elite group in which most of the men want to get before graduation though it’s not a part of curriculum. Then she made me her pony, do this for me, do that for me! Being generous I know how much I can do for people without getting anything in return but she exceeded limits. And finally the thing I hate the most she tried to control my life, she cramped my freedom. And we broke!

Romanticists: Part I

My first crush happened when I was in class first. In year 1989, we moved to the city of an engineering marvel, Nangal. My first day in school went awesomely. My seat was fixed with very pretty girl and was more than excited to go to the school thereafter. The level of excitement was so high that I went on to tell my mom all about this, though I later realized or in fact for the first time in my life I realized that girls were different and they were taken differently. The reaction of my mom to a guy friend and that to a girl friend differed radically. The next girl who touched my heart was my neighbor’s daughter. She was called Gudia! (Some of you might have good laugh at this one!) Somehow I really found her name very sweet and the voice she had was more than good. When you like someone it clearly shows on your face. In very little time my big brother was able to tell that I liked her. A scared kid in me refused craftily. One lie and it is dead. That marked the beginning of me hiding all girly matters from my family. My school’s crush and I had very little interaction because most of the times I would spend in adoring her beauty and then return home for my neighborhood crush. Gudia and I used to play a lot, in fact a lot of those kid family games. And obviously I used to be the husband and she used to be my wife. One day we even played a game in which she was getting raped by some street guys and I came to her rescue kicking the shit out of those bastards. Slowly my school crush faded and my neighborhood crush got stronger. And those days of holi were totally awesome, wetting each other with those colors simply awesome. We shared a lot of things, my hard core vegetarian family meant that I could never test meat and chicken, As we grew up, we became distant, the fact that I was scared to tell her the truth, first reason I was a year younger to her, secondly I was scared of his dad. She was in a different school and with the kind of looks she had I was sure many guys were hitting on her. I knew I was going to lose her, but she was surely always on my mind. Years passed and we talked less and less, her dad met a serious accident and lost his leg, I was more than sad for the pain she was in, but I didn’t say anything, thanks to my stupid head.

Along side my school crush changed, my first crush wasn’t attractive anymore. One reason was that she grew taller than me, secondly I developed a liking for voluptuous girls, and she got too skinny.

Next girl was in class eighth and she was pretty hot, perhaps because she reached puberty before her girl friends. Reminds me of south park episode titled “Beebe’s boobs ruined society” in which a little school going girl develops boobs firstly in the class and the naughty preying eyes of little kids scrutinize her like anything. So she was the Beebe of our class. I used to talk a lot with her, and used to tease her a lot. Our talks were mostly related to her likes and her dislikes with me just arguing why this and why not this. And I am bad at convincing unless the person himself realizes what I am trying to say is actually correct. We were good friends. And one day another guy proposed her and man that was the end of everything for me. She broke up crying created a lot of havoc in the class, teachers got involved and the story went to the ears of guys parents. I wasn’t a brave kid to take a risk of proposing her after all this. She kind of revealed a strange repulsion she had buried for guys deep inside her and I didn’t want to stir it again and face another calamity. Then as it happens in movies my dad moved to Chandigarh and the last good byes for not even recalled ever after.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Holy Messenger Beauty!

When the shadows of lampposts seem like unapparent ghosts, I walk along with the dogs of night, listening to music of their prosaic growling. One moment a gaze to the night sky, shows me the light of moon, the brightest and the prettiest in the sky. The very next moment a Cumulus nimbus blankets the holiness of the pretty sight. Left up is a murky view of the brightest and the prettiest. Cool breeze hits my face but the impact doesn’t hurt at all! I leant my head backwards while being seated at the tennis court stands. I couldn’t help but think. Till the time a lady in blue startled me with her slender curvy pulchritude. Holding the lamp post, as if she was talking to the shadow ghost. I couldn’t make much out of it, distance being the cause of my privation. But the urge was so strong which I couldn’t hold. All I could do was to get up and walk up to her to share a talk or so. One step forward and the view became a bit clearer. She let her long black hair free so that they could flow with the breeze, as if she wanted the souls flying around to play with them. Do justice to their splendid ness. Her blue dress was glued to her body revealing every detail of her curvaceous anatomy. I slowly move towards her, a fear in me restrains my free movement. She gently moves her left hand to her face, as if she got something in her eye I wish she called me for help, but I wasn’t lucky enough she got it cleared on her own self. I still couldn’t see her face clearly. But whatever I could see was simply awesome. I quickened my step, the desperation to see her face made me move faster. She wasn’t at all scared to see me move towards her as if she was waiting for just me. “Hi this is Abhinav! What’s your name?” a silence that lasted around 30 seconds made my heart palpitate faster with fear. She had angelic looks as if she directly landed here from heaven. A perfect 10 for her. But I couldn’t resist, I gathered courage and again asked, “Does she need any help?” she just looked at me with her radiant eyes that pierced through my body making every cell pump faster to help me breath. She took me to a high. From the gloomy situation of the evening it changed exponentially. Seemed as if she was lost and perhaps she didn’t understand what I said. She moved her right hand a bit forward as if she was offering me something. I was scared but had no choice in front of her beauty I was weak like a twig, all I could do was to get down on to my knees and obey her commands. I held her hand, soft as much as you can’t expect, cannot be put into words. I opened her fist. There was a note reading, “Life is about phases, at times high at others low. You see something pleasing, pleasurable or pretty you get high, you lose it you get back into your shell. The world is temporal, nothing lasts”. As I read the last line I looked at her and I saw a smile on her face. She kissed me on my cheek and walked away. I was marooned, but I knew I shall not run after her as she won’t stop, she won’t last. She left with an ever magnanimous smile on her face!

I understood the message but the cribbing was still there, she left! And yes she was right I went to my shell after that complaining why she left! But that’s my nature, and a faulty one. I shall improve and so should you ;)

PS:- Itz a last nite dream!

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Am I Existentialist???

Everybody knows that life never moves at the same pace. There are highs and lows with respect to emotions, financial conditions, career success, etc. There are times when you have strong drives. You have strong emotions for something. A passion for something, when you can totally die for it. e.g. the passion for glory. An individual is so concerned to achieve that state, where everyone respects him, knows him for something he has achieved and that can be absolutely anything, glory of sports, glory of innovation…

With most of the people it’s a phase. A phase means it is bounded by time, something that lacks the property of permanence. But the time period of this phase varies from person to person. For some it may last the whole of there life span, for others it can be as short as that it lasts only first try. The definition fails for those for whom the phase lasts the whole of their life, no phase it is permanent for them. But for those of us who tend to lose interest in every second thing try, it is merely a temporal phase.

Twenty one years of age, and I have had drives for absolutely everything. But then I lose it. Lose it, because may be it is not for me. My life is not made for it. Try something different. Some phases last months, some last days and some can be as short as minutes, which get over after having some conflict with own mind and soul.

Maximum I remember is the phase of my interest in physics, which lasted around four years. The day I felt like being an astronaut. I was out to make things that ways. I was reading absolutely anything I got on astronomy. I made telescope, though later I used it to peep into a nearby girls lodging… :P…I made calculations to evaluate the speed one needs to reach the nearest star, the fuel we would need, I had a scarp book kind of thing in which I had all the info of stupid things I did. But it ended with my entering into the stupid field of biotechnology at IIT. But no more remorse, and that for a strange reason.

I recently discovered that I am very close to something called Existentialist. I am someone to who things don’t matter much. It doesn’t matter if I win or lose. It doesn’t matter I get something or not. It doesn’t matter if people are angry or happy. It doesn’t matter if no one is listening. It doesn’t matter if you are alone because you have your own self with you. It doesn’t matter if someone loves you or not till the time you love your own self. If something is positive it is good, if something is not it should not have been like that, that’s it not much to crib about it. No more lounging for the things that I can’t find after a certain degree of effort. As may be god has something better for me and even if he doesn’t have it is still fine. I am not being pessimistic, I am just being satisfied. I am satisfied with what follows. I am satisfied with what is destined. It is not that I have lost the will but I have gained a new approach of satisfaction in case of failure. I am happy when I succeed but I am not depressed when I fail.

It is not exactly being existentialist but quite close to that. And in fact it is close to what is written in Bhagvad Gita which conveys, “One should not worry about the result but nevertheless act”.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Yesterday is Gone! Live Today! Dont Die Tomorrow

What's done is done…time gone is gone…it's true when they say that time passed by never turns back to you again…have you ever wondered that there are so many places you have visited, so many people you saw almost daily, you might never see them again in your life? Life
seems to be paving a way of it's own and moving on, with you not being a participant of it as such, the individual seems to be lost in the bigger picture.

Have you ever noticed that we spend a substantial chunk of our time dreaming up goals and situations we desperately hope and wish to be in?…do you sometimes wish that time would just pass by quickly and you can be where you hope to be, I know I do! but have you ever
realized that while doing so, you are actually losing the moment you are living in? living each moment to the fullest….isn't that what life is all about? Tomorrow is going to come as it is…prolonging thinking about it isn't going to make it come any sooner! everything comes within it's own time and it is in turn reflected upon by our yesterday, and if our yesterday was a wasted day, then…you know what I mean…The point I'm trying to make here is, that at this minute, this instant it doesn't matter where you will be tomorrow, what matters is how is your today and how was your yesterday. The important thing is to be satisfied with your today and yesterday. Was your yesterday spent happy and satisfied?…Did you brighten up someone's day and hadn't that made you smile?

The strategy I'm trying to develop here is that, though you have no control of what's meant to be in tomorrow, if your today was good, there is a definite possibility of tomorrow being the same or even better! Alright you might argue that tomorrow we might be in hardship…see that's when yesterday being good comes in to play…that way you have sweet memories to ponder over! A hard day going softer by that sweet smile on your face!

The ultimate point I'm trying to make here is reaching and feeling the kind of day when you feel like you're on top of the world! You're a queen and everybody else is your subject! The most peaceful and tranquil state of mind a man can be in… you're wrapped up in your own cocoon and though you own the world, you're most distant from it, happy and self content!

To be a little more specific about the perfect day I'm talking about, let me quote Nancy Thayer:
"Some days, are more important than others. Some days you wake with your heart pounding and your hopes higher than the sky. Some days you know you are exactly where you are meant to be."- Nancy ThayerAnd that's the most beautiful day I'm sure anyone can witness!!


PS: This is a sophomoric effort by a frnd of mine. NOT MINE. Her name is Sana. All comments if any shld b directed to her.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

U Reap Wat u Sow

Times when you lose a friend without a reason
Times when everyone’s turned hostile
Times when no one’s listening while u r being loud n clear
Times when you r cheated while u were a sheep
Just keep the faith as god is there
Callin ur name n telling u
u reap wat u sow

Times when you fail to succeed despite a worthy effort
Times when you tend to hate everyone around
Times when you find no reasons for your misery
Times when all you can think of is suicide
Just keep the faith as god is there
Callin ur name n telling u
u reap wat u sow



Simple message: life is tough, we all need care, affection, support but at times we act in a fashion that hurts, something that isnt fair. Do justice to earn justice. Your past has an impact on your present. But your future is still in your present. Save it before it is too late.

Monday, March 28, 2005

Parental Advisory

There are times when we tend to lose all the rationality we earned all our life. We behave erratically, without thinking about the consequences our actions have on our surroundings. Night before holi, just before the clock was about to hit twelve while I was soothing down in my bed a music apart from my creepy rock n roll hit my head. No it wasn’t music but a cry. Cry of a woman. Firstly I ignored it thinking it to be an un-illustrated illusion or many of the strange voices in my head. But the cry rose, with its shrilling tone it sent a current down my body. And then the cry of a child too. I was startled deep down wondering what it could be. I lowered the volume of the music system. I figured out, it was a woman, screaming at her husband. Possibly because he was beating her. She screamed continuously at even higher pitch than before. Her words were loud but unclear. it was a cry, cry against patriarchal cruelty, an injustice to which there was no respite. It was a cry against unhappy married life, the torment her so called husband had given her, the cry for not getting the dignity she deserved. Along with all this was a cry of an innocent soul. The child, what about him? What about the psychological impact this instance would cast on him, which probably he will never be able to forget. Imagine the site of your father dragging your mother out of your house and you just stand there watching and crying endlessly. Even the thought of that scares on to shit. Everyone’s parents fight because they are kind of inevitable but the effect on children is horrible. That child would always be scared of her mom and dad getting split. A child naturally wants harmony among her parents so that they can give him the love he deserves but if they have conflicts they unavoidably make the child a victim.
How about if we can just give it a thought this while or another that kids don’t deserve to see violence, it scares them to shit. And even if parents are having conflicts they shouldn’t lose their humanity. I know it is easier said than done. But we can obviously make an effort with the awareness of the evil effects it has on family life in general!

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Selfless Love

"When you love someone you should be unselfish enough to give them what they want", source forgotten.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Love of An Angel

The love of an angel. Angels who don’t stay on earth. They visit only for short durations. Angels who are enticing but not lasting. I fell in love with an angel only to realize later that I was a mortal not meant for a heavenly being. It makes one a typical Romeo, saying things that sound so melodramatic to someone who cannot comprehend the state of love. It is like a pinnacle of yearning, longing for something far away. As I see my love, it lies somewhere in stars, beyond the realm of mundane objects. It wakes me up, two past twelve. I peep out of my rectangular window to gaze the sky. My eyes probe very little to catch the pride of sky. she shines brighter today, brighter than ever before. The glow on her face steers straight through my heart, a piece of flesh that palpitates only on a sight of her. With a sudden flash of supernovian beauty appears her an angel in human body. There is no convulsion of earth and heaven! My soul as pure as a child’s mind leaves my mundane body as it stars with stone eyes appreciating the pulchritude of the lady love. Soul convulsion and dancing to the symphony of love is sight I can never forget. Rising above the skies, it felt like touching the moon with my heart palpitating at a rate faster than ever before. Angelic glow is for ever. But sight of angelic glow is temporal. The kick of the angel took me to the seventh sky, but everything that goes up comes back to ground till the time you are an earthly being! With no reasons no restrains my soul is deserted. I fall, this time I fall, fall for an earthly law, fall with time never to rise again. I see myself lying under the window. The heart full of love stopped pulsating.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Last Day

As if God had given me exactly one month of happy love life. My spree of romanticism ended as she left for her home. The farewell was melodramatic, somewhat similar to any retrograde Hindi movie that I would reject with a sense of relentless humor. The only way it differed was through the involvement of Hi-tech accessory of mass communication. She left as we shared last minutes on cell phones, till the time her battery got exhausted. And man, it was emotional. Sentiments rush was on a high.

Good byes are tougher for those who are left behind. Because the person left behind has lost something whereas there is a whole new world in front of the person leaving. In any case it is hard for both, only the levels differ. Her last words made me realize that I really meant something to her if not everything. She wanted more from life but at that moment her words made a cry that I was really precious for her, and if she wants someone to be seated besides her at that moment, it was me. Six twenty nine, last call from my cell, and she left.

I tried catching sleep; with restless turns finally I got out of my bed at 7:00. 8 o'clock class after 20 days, man I was screwed, attendance fucka on charts. Four hours of lectures and I returned back to my room. I moved to one of my friends room. When you miss something you look for alternates. No calls today, no morning teasing/applauding messages, just he and his selfish woman talk. I came back to my room and crashed into my bed. Two hours of moon dreaming, cant exactly recall what it was. I woke as in movies, I had a nightmare dream. I felt pukish. I wasn't sick, I double checked. "What the hell? What's wrong with me?" Pukish on losing something! "Where are those calls?" I said to myself. I went to the loo, washed my face and left for library. Tried concentrating on studies, with my exams just four days ahead. Meanwhile I talked to her cousin. My opening sentence was an apology for the call being completely selfish. Well I was missing her like hell, and I wanted some support and I had no one. I wanted someone who could make me stronger, sad but true, I found no support. No evening talks, no sweet voice, no flattery, no 'gussa hona', no business like messages reading "come online", no missed calls, no late night chit chats, man I missed everything like a person blindly in love. First day was real hard, I wondered how would I survive but time is huge force. I took out my sweat shirt which had her fragrance and smelled it. Thought, she is beautiful and I miss her. I wrote her a mail to let her know how much I was missing her and how my first day without her had been.

I am not a Paulo Coelho fan but I really liked 'The Alchemist' and I would quote it directly from there, "When you strongly want something and make an effort for it the whole universe conspires for you to achieve that thing". I received a message that read, "hi. i m messaging from my brothers cell, come online".

Jan 31st, 05