Sunday, July 17, 2005

I died

Last night I passed away. I hit a strange kind of fever or perhaps it hit me. May be it is dengue that hit me; I was bit by a mosquito in the day. I looked at the watch; it was 3:15 in the morning. Got up and took a paracetamol. Body temperature must be around some what 105 degree Fahrenheit. Half of my body was burning and the part below my belly was like freezing cold. “What’s happening”, I questioned myself that I always do. Shall I move to sick bay, call an ambulance! Is life risky? May be it is! Sometimes you feel you are unstable. Your thinking totally challenged. I choose not to go, wondering what if I passed away. One man less in this world won’t really make a difference. So I chose to die. I smiled looking outside the window moving my heavy lips. What if I die? Sounded so funny at that moment. I am 21 and people don’t often die at this stage. And I wasn’t normal that ways so I am going to die. They say life flash backs when you are about to die and yes it did. I recalled everything from my birth to tonight. Happy moments and sad moments, good people and bad people. Did I feel smug? I wasn’t sure. Probably not. I wondered things I wanted to do, but I couldn’t. Anyways once you are dead, it doesn’t matter. Fever was rising. I again considered my thought is dying ok. It might be painful; my body was already aching so much, it might really hurt more as I neared death. Strange is life and its moments. I wished I could see light once, I wanted to see brightness but outside my window everything was dark and gloomy, perhaps the right time to die. When I was young, I had this gut feeling that I will not die the way others do, but I never thought it was going to be so funny before death. I felt gay, couldn’t jump or scream because I had no vitality. But my heart was joyous. Still staring at the roof above and listening to Elton john’s Mona Lisa. The fever hit my head then, I quivered. My eyes closed. Ten minutes later I opened my eye, I was still alive. I wanted to put this experience on pen. It drove me to the MS word. My fingers move faster on the key board, then any other thing, probably I can be a good typewriter. Then I wondered where I am going to go once I die. Hell or heaven? Doesn’t really matter I can be good typewriter any where. Pee before you die, I saw my pale face in the mirror. Surely death was approaching me. I pulled key board close to me and lay in my bed. I will enlist the last thing you before you die. Some body died just for inferring the taste of a chemical. Probably this discovery of mine would also be of some use. What are last things I want to see before I die? I saw Eddie Vedder’s picture, he gave me lot in life, and with all due respect his words “think different” hit my mind. Desolation, fear and agony three words that lost there meaning. Mentally unstable, speaking or rather typing these words, that’s what I seem. Probably true, I freaked out. My head grew heavier. It is four forty one in the morning. I might get to see light once for the last time. A man followed into my room, I told him to put this on

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