Am I Existentialist???

Everybody knows that life never moves at the same pace. There are highs and lows with respect to emotions, financial conditions, career success, etc. There are times when you have strong drives. You have strong emotions for something. A passion for something, when you can totally die for it. e.g. the passion for glory. An individual is so concerned to achieve that state, where everyone respects him, knows him for something he has achieved and that can be absolutely anything, glory of sports, glory of innovation…

With most of the people it’s a phase. A phase means it is bounded by time, something that lacks the property of permanence. But the time period of this phase varies from person to person. For some it may last the whole of there life span, for others it can be as short as that it lasts only first try. The definition fails for those for whom the phase lasts the whole of their life, no phase it is permanent for them. But for those of us who tend to lose interest in every second thing try, it is merely a temporal phase.

Twenty one years of age, and I have had drives for absolutely everything. But then I lose it. Lose it, because may be it is not for me. My life is not made for it. Try something different. Some phases last months, some last days and some can be as short as minutes, which get over after having some conflict with own mind and soul.

Maximum I remember is the phase of my interest in physics, which lasted around four years. The day I felt like being an astronaut. I was out to make things that ways. I was reading absolutely anything I got on astronomy. I made telescope, though later I used it to peep into a nearby girls lodging… :P…I made calculations to evaluate the speed one needs to reach the nearest star, the fuel we would need, I had a scarp book kind of thing in which I had all the info of stupid things I did. But it ended with my entering into the stupid field of biotechnology at IIT. But no more remorse, and that for a strange reason.

I recently discovered that I am very close to something called Existentialist. I am someone to who things don’t matter much. It doesn’t matter if I win or lose. It doesn’t matter I get something or not. It doesn’t matter if people are angry or happy. It doesn’t matter if no one is listening. It doesn’t matter if you are alone because you have your own self with you. It doesn’t matter if someone loves you or not till the time you love your own self. If something is positive it is good, if something is not it should not have been like that, that’s it not much to crib about it. No more lounging for the things that I can’t find after a certain degree of effort. As may be god has something better for me and even if he doesn’t have it is still fine. I am not being pessimistic, I am just being satisfied. I am satisfied with what follows. I am satisfied with what is destined. It is not that I have lost the will but I have gained a new approach of satisfaction in case of failure. I am happy when I succeed but I am not depressed when I fail.

It is not exactly being existentialist but quite close to that. And in fact it is close to what is written in Bhagvad Gita which conveys, “One should not worry about the result but nevertheless act”.

Yesterday is Gone! Live Today! Dont Die Tomorrow

What's done is done…time gone is gone…it's true when they say that time passed by never turns back to you again…have you ever wondered that there are so many places you have visited, so many people you saw almost daily, you might never see them again in your life? Life
seems to be paving a way of it's own and moving on, with you not being a participant of it as such, the individual seems to be lost in the bigger picture.

Have you ever noticed that we spend a substantial chunk of our time dreaming up goals and situations we desperately hope and wish to be in?…do you sometimes wish that time would just pass by quickly and you can be where you hope to be, I know I do! but have you ever
realized that while doing so, you are actually losing the moment you are living in? living each moment to the fullest….isn't that what life is all about? Tomorrow is going to come as it is…prolonging thinking about it isn't going to make it come any sooner! everything comes within it's own time and it is in turn reflected upon by our yesterday, and if our yesterday was a wasted day, then…you know what I mean…The point I'm trying to make here is, that at this minute, this instant it doesn't matter where you will be tomorrow, what matters is how is your today and how was your yesterday. The important thing is to be satisfied with your today and yesterday. Was your yesterday spent happy and satisfied?…Did you brighten up someone's day and hadn't that made you smile?

The strategy I'm trying to develop here is that, though you have no control of what's meant to be in tomorrow, if your today was good, there is a definite possibility of tomorrow being the same or even better! Alright you might argue that tomorrow we might be in hardship…see that's when yesterday being good comes in to play…that way you have sweet memories to ponder over! A hard day going softer by that sweet smile on your face!

The ultimate point I'm trying to make here is reaching and feeling the kind of day when you feel like you're on top of the world! You're a queen and everybody else is your subject! The most peaceful and tranquil state of mind a man can be in… you're wrapped up in your own cocoon and though you own the world, you're most distant from it, happy and self content!

To be a little more specific about the perfect day I'm talking about, let me quote Nancy Thayer:
"Some days, are more important than others. Some days you wake with your heart pounding and your hopes higher than the sky. Some days you know you are exactly where you are meant to be."- Nancy ThayerAnd that's the most beautiful day I'm sure anyone can witness!!


PS: This is a sophomoric effort by a frnd of mine. NOT MINE. Her name is Sana. All comments if any shld b directed to her.

U Reap Wat u Sow

Times when you lose a friend without a reason
Times when everyone’s turned hostile
Times when no one’s listening while u r being loud n clear
Times when you r cheated while u were a sheep
Just keep the faith as god is there
Callin ur name n telling u
u reap wat u sow

Times when you fail to succeed despite a worthy effort
Times when you tend to hate everyone around
Times when you find no reasons for your misery
Times when all you can think of is suicide
Just keep the faith as god is there
Callin ur name n telling u
u reap wat u sow



Simple message: life is tough, we all need care, affection, support but at times we act in a fashion that hurts, something that isnt fair. Do justice to earn justice. Your past has an impact on your present. But your future is still in your present. Save it before it is too late.

Parental Advisory

There are times when we tend to lose all the rationality we earned all our life. We behave erratically, without thinking about the consequences our actions have on our surroundings. Night before holi, just before the clock was about to hit twelve while I was soothing down in my bed a music apart from my creepy rock n roll hit my head. No it wasn’t music but a cry. Cry of a woman. Firstly I ignored it thinking it to be an un-illustrated illusion or many of the strange voices in my head. But the cry rose, with its shrilling tone it sent a current down my body. And then the cry of a child too. I was startled deep down wondering what it could be. I lowered the volume of the music system. I figured out, it was a woman, screaming at her husband. Possibly because he was beating her. She screamed continuously at even higher pitch than before. Her words were loud but unclear. it was a cry, cry against patriarchal cruelty, an injustice to which there was no respite. It was a cry against unhappy married life, the torment her so called husband had given her, the cry for not getting the dignity she deserved. Along with all this was a cry of an innocent soul. The child, what about him? What about the psychological impact this instance would cast on him, which probably he will never be able to forget. Imagine the site of your father dragging your mother out of your house and you just stand there watching and crying endlessly. Even the thought of that scares on to shit. Everyone’s parents fight because they are kind of inevitable but the effect on children is horrible. That child would always be scared of her mom and dad getting split. A child naturally wants harmony among her parents so that they can give him the love he deserves but if they have conflicts they unavoidably make the child a victim.
How about if we can just give it a thought this while or another that kids don’t deserve to see violence, it scares them to shit. And even if parents are having conflicts they shouldn’t lose their humanity. I know it is easier said than done. But we can obviously make an effort with the awareness of the evil effects it has on family life in general!

Selfless Love

"When you love someone you should be unselfish enough to give them what they want", source forgotten.

Love of An Angel

The love of an angel. Angels who don’t stay on earth. They visit only for short durations. Angels who are enticing but not lasting. I fell in love with an angel only to realize later that I was a mortal not meant for a heavenly being. It makes one a typical Romeo, saying things that sound so melodramatic to someone who cannot comprehend the state of love. It is like a pinnacle of yearning, longing for something far away. As I see my love, it lies somewhere in stars, beyond the realm of mundane objects. It wakes me up, two past twelve. I peep out of my rectangular window to gaze the sky. My eyes probe very little to catch the pride of sky. she shines brighter today, brighter than ever before. The glow on her face steers straight through my heart, a piece of flesh that palpitates only on a sight of her. With a sudden flash of supernovian beauty appears her an angel in human body. There is no convulsion of earth and heaven! My soul as pure as a child’s mind leaves my mundane body as it stars with stone eyes appreciating the pulchritude of the lady love. Soul convulsion and dancing to the symphony of love is sight I can never forget. Rising above the skies, it felt like touching the moon with my heart palpitating at a rate faster than ever before. Angelic glow is for ever. But sight of angelic glow is temporal. The kick of the angel took me to the seventh sky, but everything that goes up comes back to ground till the time you are an earthly being! With no reasons no restrains my soul is deserted. I fall, this time I fall, fall for an earthly law, fall with time never to rise again. I see myself lying under the window. The heart full of love stopped pulsating.

Last Day

As if God had given me exactly one month of happy love life. My spree of romanticism ended as she left for her home. The farewell was melodramatic, somewhat similar to any retrograde Hindi movie that I would reject with a sense of relentless humor. The only way it differed was through the involvement of Hi-tech accessory of mass communication. She left as we shared last minutes on cell phones, till the time her battery got exhausted. And man, it was emotional. Sentiments rush was on a high.

Good byes are tougher for those who are left behind. Because the person left behind has lost something whereas there is a whole new world in front of the person leaving. In any case it is hard for both, only the levels differ. Her last words made me realize that I really meant something to her if not everything. She wanted more from life but at that moment her words made a cry that I was really precious for her, and if she wants someone to be seated besides her at that moment, it was me. Six twenty nine, last call from my cell, and she left.

I tried catching sleep; with restless turns finally I got out of my bed at 7:00. 8 o'clock class after 20 days, man I was screwed, attendance fucka on charts. Four hours of lectures and I returned back to my room. I moved to one of my friends room. When you miss something you look for alternates. No calls today, no morning teasing/applauding messages, just he and his selfish woman talk. I came back to my room and crashed into my bed. Two hours of moon dreaming, cant exactly recall what it was. I woke as in movies, I had a nightmare dream. I felt pukish. I wasn't sick, I double checked. "What the hell? What's wrong with me?" Pukish on losing something! "Where are those calls?" I said to myself. I went to the loo, washed my face and left for library. Tried concentrating on studies, with my exams just four days ahead. Meanwhile I talked to her cousin. My opening sentence was an apology for the call being completely selfish. Well I was missing her like hell, and I wanted some support and I had no one. I wanted someone who could make me stronger, sad but true, I found no support. No evening talks, no sweet voice, no flattery, no 'gussa hona', no business like messages reading "come online", no missed calls, no late night chit chats, man I missed everything like a person blindly in love. First day was real hard, I wondered how would I survive but time is huge force. I took out my sweat shirt which had her fragrance and smelled it. Thought, she is beautiful and I miss her. I wrote her a mail to let her know how much I was missing her and how my first day without her had been.

I am not a Paulo Coelho fan but I really liked 'The Alchemist' and I would quote it directly from there, "When you strongly want something and make an effort for it the whole universe conspires for you to achieve that thing". I received a message that read, "hi. i m messaging from my brothers cell, come online".

Jan 31st, 05

Day 1, 2005

The year two thousand and five began with half a dozen quick shots of bizarre Russian vodka, followed by twenty minutes of neck wrecking head banging to deafening noisy music, burning neighbour’s door plate, accompanied by guttural abusing that made no sense. Eventually I land up in toilet unconscious in the puddle of puke. I woke up probably shivering due to cold. I shakily moved to my room where the floor was full of chips & broken glass pecks. Somehow I found the switch and turned the lights of off. I crashed into the bed with music still on. I had just caught a couple of hour’s hard found sleep that I am woken by a friend. We planned to go to AIIMS for paranthas. Half an hour of struggle finally resulted in inedible paranthas. Satisfying our hunger with our effort we returned and had coffee at our favorite hangout, Nescafe. I cleaned my room, washed it in fact, which is a rare effort and crashed into bed again.

Things change with time and something’s change in a way that is very much desired. While I was fast asleep the woman of my dreams for whom I yearned so much that in the end I had to convince myself that she is out of my reach, rings up. Her name is beautiful, first thought. Why is she calling? Following thought. Your mind unconsciously generates stupid questions and at times answers that are not stupid. May be to wish, ‘happy new year’. “Hii”, her voice is sweet. “Hi! Happy new year”. Hey thanks and same to you…So wassup. Some unwanted stuff always follows as fillers. “I am coming to IIT”. “To IIT... okay kewl. Come! How much time will you take?” “About half an hour” I quickly refreshed my self and got ready. Do I need to do a little better to my dress? I convinced myself it’s not a woman coming to marry you. Be Normal! Be what you are! I hate to wait and she didn’t make me do so. I went down to the hostel entrance on receiving her call.

Two gorgeous young ladies waiting in a car, smiling with a stint of mischief in it. As if they are ridiculing. “Hi”, my usual monotonous woman hi. There is different ‘Hi’ I have for men, which is generally accompanied by a sarcastic remark or a jolting hug. But with woman it is different. You pretend to be a man not a kid. But I certainly wasn’t able to cast any such impression. Instead I was looking like a clumsy kid, who was running of short of words. Men are different in front of woman. So am I. I tried my best to be a gentleman, which I am not. First sight of hers, she looked prettier than before. I was finding it hard to make direct eye contact with her; instead I was again and again looking towards cousin. It is said you can’t look into eyes when you are hiding something. Yes I was hiding something. I was hiding my love for her. Given a chance I would have made the whole world listen to it. But no, that wasn’t the scene. My love was going to get married to someone else.

I took them to Nescafe. And man like every one else they appreciated it. High heels, slow walk and time after time her hair…isn’t that annoying? Perhaps not when you are in love.
We took the corner table. Conversation went on for around an hour and a half. We talked about New Years Eve, about our drinking capacities blah blah… occasionally I looked her into eyes and at times I found her do the same. She could easily see love in my eyes. But I wasn’t sure of her eyes. I am dumb at expression reading, unless it is a cow made of your face.

My friend called up. He wanted me to accompany him to brunch. I recalled I promised him in the morning. I had to leave. I am a man of my words. Whatever happens, I lay my words above ethics, morality…I guess god also. And my love was not sure enough to break my words. I left the women, a little unsatisfied as if they wanted me to stay but I could not.

Respect Quality

"Your love is precious, dont give it to someone who doesnt deserve it". Abhinav Swara

Power of love

"Love is a power that makes you vulnerable to your love. Your love is your master. You follow his/her commands without thinking without caring for the outcome. When you are in such a state you are in true love". Abhinav Swara

Logical Regeneration Of Faith

There are times in my life I feel so empty, so meaningless, so stupid that I wonder if it is all vain. I feel I have no strength. I look at the mirror and see the formation of an image about to break, about to vanish. I feel so trivial. I see no skills. No aim. I find myself wandering aimlessly in this world. I find myself building fragile dreams that are always broken by you. I find myself working every bit to save a fruitless image. I find myself struggling to save my identity. Struggling for something I am myself not sure of. What am I existing for? Surely not to pander to sophomoric desires. Desires for which I fight like hell, later only to realize the height of stupidity they hid under their enticing faces. Everything boils down to god. If you were god my question to you would be why am I here? If I get the answer to this question I need no science, I need no education to live a blissful life which for that matter is a fake illusion. Probably God put us into this place without giving us the real strength to know the purpose of life. And here we are today wandering aimlessly being unsure of every next bit. What should I do? Where should I go? and all this Why??? keeps me troubling all the time. Is love the ultimate aim? Is it money? Or success? Or it is knowing God?

Lets analize it. If we talk of the things for which we already have standard protocols, then they are achievable. We have people who have done it and we will have people who will do it. Like for example love. You give love you get love is something that is a universal protocol for achieving love. You work hard given sufficent opportunities and luck so earn success or earn money. But what in case of God?

Its different...lack of existence of a standard protocol, a visible and apprehendable one may not be a mere coincidence. Something that should exist but no one knows! No one has seen. it is different. Now the whole point is that if you are unsatisfied, vainful human being and you feel similar to what i feel, then you must learn to trust your gut. I have! My gut says, "Dude you lose interest in every other thing you try, but you never lose your faith in God. Sometimes you might say I have no faith but you always find yourself reverting back to him. For the rest you are sure but for God you are not! That makes him different! Something unique in which you never lose interest. Something thats like a last resort for you. God is there. Path to God is unknown. Some say it is meditation or some spiritual crap. It could very well be that but i dont know. They dont have any proof. You should follow a path of faith and gratification to his holyness. He will take you along."

Weak Like A Twig

Feeling of possession! It makes one weak. Weak to an extent that you fall so hard that you are unable to get up. You lose something and you are like a dead man. Some go into a gloomy state and turn to a rock others become paranoiac that makes them violent. I always thought I was strong, I recovered easily from shocks. But last night I came to know the reality. I am weak! Weak as a twig. Which can be broken by a ever little stress that it has not witnessed before. Something happened to me. I was feeling restless. Reason was in front of me but I was unaware, unable to identify it. Something like this happened, I wasn’t being treated well by someone I wanted to. And that someone was somebody I really cared for. I wanted the treatment of being special. Its like saying even if you are not special still you want special treatment. It is like having some desire that is over demanding. It is like having expectations for no good reason. I guess we have an inborn desire to be liked by someone we like. Perfectly human it is but how far is it justified. Human desires are irrational at times and they need a check. I guess all us love to be loved. This feeling is a desire that makes us weak. We are they happiest and feel like on the top of the world when above is fulfilled. But at times we don’t get the kind of behavior that we anticipate and we find ourselves fucked up! It is a desire that causes pain for no reason of good.
But the irony goes like this, even after realizing it I am still an ass to behave in the undesired way, the way that causes pain, the way that makes me weak!

Please discourage corruption

I was a proud Indian. Even after knowing all about the high profile black market and corrupt government personnel. I was proud for the citizens of India. I was proud for the kind & helping nature bestowed to Indians. I thought they were hard working and ate through what they deserved for their efforts. And above all was my respect for the custodians of public, the “Police- Taking Care of People”.
I had heard a lot about the corruption in police department but had never witnessed with my own eyes; probably the reason why I never contemplated over it. All my thanks to God, for giving my enough strength: of not tolerating injustice with my own self. All this happened when I was driving a vehicle. On my way back to home I encountered a green turned orange light on a crossing. I was stopped by a running traffic cop who whistled at me. At first I wondered why he stopped me then I realized that the surd gentleman might be asking for a lift. Being a regular hitchhiker I seldom turn down such requests unless it is night and the person asking for a lift is a woman!
As I waited for the policeman to board I saw a couple of vehicles jumping the red light and going completely un-noticed by a bunch of chitchatting policemen. To my surprise, instead of boarding the policeman asked me for my driving license. Shocked, I asked him the reason and his rude reply shocked me even more. I was blamed for jumping the red- light. I protested a bit, and then the policeman asked me for vehicle papers. A showed him to his utter satisfaction but he took my vehicle’ RC. I protested to an officer who to me looked a little more sensible (I have no regret using this word) at first sight, but all in vain. He called me dumb and uneducated, who doesn’t have any traffic sense.
I could sense what he wanted from me. For a moment I thought I should give him fifty bucks and get away. But this is what all of us have been doing all this time. We encouraged them to trap the innocent buds, today that’s me tomorrow who knows it could be you. And may be at that time their pecuniary mouths would be too large for us to fill and the malice being intolerable.
We want to avoid going to court so we bribe them, a short cut for the fine we eventually have to bear. But the consequence of this is creation of another earning opportunity. Seeing such an easy though illicit perquisite these policemen have now started pillaging the innocence.
I stopped there and I didn’t bribe him. I took my challan receipt and saw the frustrating look on his face. I had definitely annoyed him. Realizing this I couldn’t avoid passing a smile on this. It was a success disguised in failure. I had stopped one crime by apparently and innocently committing another crime. But ironically this game was not the only venue he had. In no time he engaged another biker and to my disgust that guy gave him some 100 bucks and got away. I couldn’t protest at that moment because I knew it would have gone in vain.
This is the stature of Indian “Police – Taking care of Public”. I love India and I cannot see it in a state that can be rightly described as a “Prelude to doom”. If we don’t put an end to this today we might find it hard to recover.
Above is just one citation of police corruption. India is full of government run departments and they are all corrupt like hell. Corruption is rude, remove it. Fore mostly discourage it. We ourselves have double standards we will speak out of sky against corruption but we don’t mind giving a little bit of bribe here and there to ease out ways.

But the whole point is discouraging it.

Cupid Shot

Talking to you gives me Butterflies
Walking with you acts like a launch pad to sky
Your Sweet Smile SHoot De angels

Somtimes i think god made u just to kill
U r de throb of heartslike a bob of a watch
Loving you is a sweet crime
But too much of sweet makes u a love beef
LIke a love buff aimed by a cupid
You made my life so vivid

A love Fool(incomplete)